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Does anybody else keep delaying the date of suicide?
Thread starterLoneliest
Start date
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Yeah but I don't think I can turn my life around by any means. It's shit. Living with depression for the rest of my life doesn't sound fun. So hopefully very soon
you should try all different ways to heal yourself from your depression. Look into psilocybin and lsd, there are many studies and anecdotal evidence that show impressive results. Research it if you have the energy for, i could send you some links for good books if you want. Of course, there is no guarantee and it depends a lot on your circumstances. It is especially problematic if you life with people who trigger your state of mind, like your parents or an abusive partner. The problem is that the health care system seems to have no idea how to heal depression. Of course, there are some cases without a cure, you can only take mind-numbing "medication" and I understand everybody who says that death is preferable to these. I apologize if I said something that you already know.
I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm sure that death is the only way because I have no way of changing my life into something better. I have got SN and everything else ready. Everyday I tell myself ok I'm doing it on this date. I would fast, then when the time comes, I'd be so hungry so I would eat then fast again then eat again. I think I'm just a bit scared of the process of dying, which is ironic because I'm in so much pain already and can I really not take some pain for a short while..
I understand how you feel. I delayed so many times now since March, it's embarrassing…… I'm feeling absolutely hopeless. And each day it's getting worse and worse. Living with depression is definitely not fun….. I'm sorry we're both stuck here
I have delayed it a bit. Some days are worse than others for me and when I'm doing bad, I set a date or make plans and when I'm doing good, it's like I forget about it and just enjoy myself. I seem to flip-flop a lot. I don't know how to explain it well.
I have a few times now. My first real date was early September then I moved it to November now I'm not sure what to do. I have most of what I need except I lost one of the things I had due to med change. I still don't know if I want my current method or change to something I'm more comfortable with.
I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm sure that death is the only way because I have no way of changing my life into something better. I have got SN and everything else ready. Everyday I tell myself ok I'm doing it on this date. I would fast, then when the time comes, I'd be so hungry so I would eat then fast again then eat again. I think I'm just a bit scared of the process of dying, which is ironic because I'm in so much pain already and can I really not take some pain for a short while..
I keep postponing I wish I could do it without my wife finding me I hv no friends cause they don't understand and family just says I'm the damaged one like it's funny….I guess I'm useless
A few days ago in a response to a question about making peace with catching the bus I said that not terribly long ago I believed I did. Made peace. Everything was in order and ready as planned.
But I am still here.
And now I am worried whether I have been, even if subconsciously, lying to myself all this time. Whether all the meticulous preparations have been nothing more but coping mechanism. Devised to help me cope with unbearable emptiness of my reality. This is what scares me. Really scares me. Because it screams - 'I, your subconscious mind, am not only incharge, but I am your jailer and your executioner as it pleases me.' It makes me question the whole concept of self-deliverance I have been carefully examining for a long time. Is it really as simple as the strength of SI? That some peoples' SI is much stronger than the others? I am not so sure any more.
Yeah it does make a lot of sense. We're not programmed to go against surviving.
Yeah I feel like a fool sometimes for not going through with my plans. I overdosed on sleeping pills before and woke up two days later like nothing happened. I also tried to burn charcoal in my bathroom and hours went by, still nothing happened. Maybe I was doing it wrong. But kinda scared I'd take SN then fail too.
I used to keep pushing mine for a while until it had ended up being a whole year later. Then I suddenly made an impulse attempt that almost worked. In short, don't worry about pushing it back too much. When it's the right time you won't have an issue attempting and will actually find it easy. If you're not there then just take comfort knowing you'll be gone one day and it's okay if that isn't now. Everyone reaches a point eventually where they can no longer push it back and that's when you know it's the right decision.
Off topic but has anyone heard of Mac miller album swimming. He mad a whole album and it talks about life and suicidal thoughts and depression (not explicitly, I believe Mac miller was suicidal himself before he died of an overdose). its really good. I made a tape recording talking about my whole life story and the reason why I am going to ctb. every time I listen to the recording I kinda get a bit emotional it reminds me why I am going to do what I am going to do (ctb). I tried successfully to ctb multiple times and failed. every time I listened to the recordings. Ive switched to sn now, so hopefully no more failed attempts. I think anyone who wants to ctb needs to realise its probably one of the most important decisions of your life and should not be made lightly and to be aware of the consequences. I always reminds myself why, maybe this would help you guys if you did the same. But I've never been so sure of anything in my life, my only wish is that I was never born so I would not have to ctb. I think that is the sad irony of life.
I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm sure that death is the only way because I have no way of changing my life into something better. I have got SN and everything else ready. Everyday I tell myself ok I'm doing it on this date. I would fast, then when the time comes, I'd be so hungry so I would eat then fast again then eat again. I think I'm just a bit scared of the process of dying, which is ironic because I'm in so much pain already and can I really not take some pain for a short while..
every time I have a sure fire plan it simultaneously backfires because of the peace of mind that comes with having a reliable readily-available exit plan
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