Does anybody else feel like they're grieving themselves?

[Justsad30]

Hello all. I'm having a really bad time recently, currently off work and now been prescribed valium to help me calm down.

I can't quite believe I've got to this point with all the work I've been doing to help myself but here we are, a lot has gone on the last year.

I've spent the last 10 days crying, sobbing, being absolutely inconsolable for the disappointment I've had this year but also I feel like I'm grieving myself and who I could've been had I not been such a fuck up.

I've always known I'm going to ctb and it makes me incredibly sad, I think like many here I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel like this.

Does anyone else feel like theyr grieving themselves because they know it's coming?

 

[unkuto]

I do. Although my situation is different but I feel the same way. I don't want to die but I also don't want to live because I fucked up so many opportunities in my life.
If I wouldn't fuck my life so much I would be never be at this point where I'm on the edge of killing myself.

 

[nopride86]

I understand. It's something that people who have chronic mental/physical illnesses unfortunately go through as well. I think it's healthy to grieve the parts of you that were, and never were. It brings clarity to your current situation because you're able to say goodbye to the "you" that your ego was protecting.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it isn't fair. We shouldn't have to grieve ourselves as a living person. Grieving for someone who has passed is hard enough, but when it's pre-ctb and for yourself it can be more than the mind should ever have to handle.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel sad about dying at all personally, it is all that I want. When I am dead nothing can hurt me and I will be free from all suffering. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it must be so painful and unbearable. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Yes, I do. Not really because I know what's coming but because of what I've lost, including the hope of things actually being "okay."

 

[Rational man]

I did have grief about loss of the future but eventually, i,accepted that nothing in life is guaranteed, not even tomorrow. My disease will kill me unless i ctb first.

 

[sharky]

I feel the same way. I wish I would just feel nothing at all because grieving and being disappointed in yourself feels horrible

 

[houseofleaves]

I'm grieving not myself, but the life i could've had.

 

[lostmylove]

I've kinda come to conclusion that most people don't want to die. Just people eventually get left with a choice of suffering more or escaping.

When people have had enough even then a lot, if not a majority of people try to stick it out even if it gets worse and worse and worse.

Only way I'm going to ctb is if I make peace with the fact my situation is unreversable, it won't get better and instead of drifting, do what's required and leave.

 

[Sarros]

Sometimes I find myself in that kind of mood. Brooding about what could have been and the choices I could of made. Then I get taken back to the present moment and I see myself continuing to squander opportunity and generally avoiding putting in the work to improve my health and life. And it's strangely comforting the thought that comes next: If this is the person I was, I am, and will continue to be, does that ideal self even really exist for me to grieve? If they don't, is even this person worth grieving? I decide, no, and I am content in my death.

 

[Justsad30]

Thank you for your replies. It's so bittersweet to know that others are in the same position.

It's really good to read other people's takes as well.

Here's to fighting another day, sending love to you all

 

[Al_stargate]

That's all I think about, how good it was and where would I be now, if not for one stupid decision. Everything feels lost, I feel like an absolute loser who will die bitter. Why did I deserve this I don't know. Never had a bad intention in my life.

 

[Hollowman]

I feel the same way. I wish I would just feel nothing at all because grieving and being disappointed in yourself feels horrible

I've been feeling nothing for many years it's horrible too.

 

[Al Cappella]

A little bit, on some days, if I allow it. Mostly it's for the life that might have been, if not for this condition. But. It is what it is, and there's no point…

 

[symphony]

Oh, absolutely. I mourn for everything I loved from my past that depression has stolen from me and I will never re-experience. I mourn for all the comforts of the present I'll leave behind. I'll love for all the things I'll never be able to learn, achieve, and experience as I flourish into being in the future.

But sometimes in life we have to choose between two unappealing options.

 

[y0dha]

I made bads decisions and got influcended in those bad decisions, fucked up my mental health and physical health, I regret everyday what could I have become, I had so much potential but I blew it.
But the issue is that now it's too late I already tried to go back up and it didn't work, so yeah I mourn everyday and soon I'll CTB cause I don't have any other option anymore.

 

[Life interrupted]

Yes all the time. 10 months ago I was living in a completely different world. Now I'm trapped in a dying body.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Hello all. I'm having a really bad time recently, currently off work and now been prescribed valium to help me calm down.

I can't quite believe I've got to this point with all the work I've been doing to help myself but here we are, a lot has gone on the last year.

I've spent the last 10 days crying, sobbing, being absolutely inconsolable for the disappointment I've had this year but also I feel like I'm grieving myself and who I could've been had I not been such a fuck up.

I've always known I'm going to ctb and it makes me incredibly sad, I think like many here I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel like this.

Does anyone else feel like theyr grieving themselves because they know it's coming?

Yes this. I have this. Ever since i know my deformity is not fixable i know the only way out is suicide. I didn't necessarily wanted to die but living like this is horrible. I feel like im grieving myself too. Its gonna happen even if i wanted a normal life its just not possible.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes, it's quite sad and painful. I feel like a fool.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Hello all. I'm having a really bad time recently, currently off work and now been prescribed valium to help me calm down.

I can't quite believe I've got to this point with all the work I've been doing to help myself but here we are, a lot has gone on the last year.

I've spent the last 10 days crying, sobbing, being absolutely inconsolable for the disappointment I've had this year but also I feel like I'm grieving myself and who I could've been had I not been such a fuck up.

I've always known I'm going to ctb and it makes me incredibly sad, I think like many here I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel like this.

Does anyone else feel like theyr grieving themselves because they know it's coming?

I definitely grieve the life I could have had, pretty much constantly - I am obsessed with those 'turning points' or forks in the road, where it all went wrong

 

[NSA]

Absolutely. Thinking of all the great things I could have done, if only I wasn't the way I am. If i could cut the failure out of me with a knife, I would.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Yes, I miss myself, who I used to be.

 

[ArcherFiles44]

I'm grieving not myself, but the life i could've had.

Yes