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buddhaleg

New Member
Dec 15, 2021
2
I am the daughter of south asian immigrants in my early thirties and work full time as a physician. Despite the money, health, and the freedom I have, I still think about suicide because of all the pain and betrayal I have lived through.

I was born into an abusive home, my father was narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I still loved him and feared him and respected him all at once. He emotionally and verbally abused my mother and me and my two brothers throughout my childhood (and occasionally would hit me too). Some of my earliest childhood memories as a 3 or 4 year old are of my father yelling at me in anger while I was frozen in fear. My mother is an emotionally immature (imagine the emotional capacity of a teenage girl) woman who parentified her kids in order to get her needs met, often heaping guilt and shame on us for all the suffering she endured as a woman who wanted to have a career but was stuck being a stay-at-home mom. I reacted to the situation by overachieving. I worked hard at everything I did, was the team captain of a varsity sport and became a high school valedictorian. I thought if I achieved enough maybe I would not hate myself and think I am worthy of happiness. I slipped into a long and severe depression during my college years after a breakup, would walk home every day crying for a whole year. I felt like I didn't fit into the world, no matter how hard I tried and pretended to be normal I felt worthless and shameful and afraid that everyone is going to find out. Still I kept working hard in school, did lots of research and extracurriculars, and got a scholarship to attend a great medical school. Even though I was so scared, depressed, and broken at this time, I continued to be my parents' golden child. They bragged about me to friends and relatives all over the world. At this time was still emotionally dependent on my parents, cared deeply about their opinion of my because I knew no other way, and I was financially dependent on them for living expenses. Most of all, I trusted them. In my culture, there's a lot of emphasis on parents knowing best, and if a parent thinks something is the best decision that means it is.

When I got to med school, I realized I hated the medical field. I didn't like being around sick, sad people all the time and I hated how physicians are basically cogs in a machine to make profits in a morally corrupt healthcare industry. I started dating an older med student while I was in medical school and because of my cultural background/religion, I wasn't allowed to date him unless I quickly married him. I changed my whole career trajectory for him basically, including which specialty I did and where I did residency. We moved to another city to do our residency. After two years in residency, I found out that that my husband had been hiring prostitutes and cheating on me. I felt so betrayed, not just by him but by my mom and dad whose opinion I had trusted so deeply in making the decision to get married to this guy.

I started the divorce process feeling so hopeless, like my whole life I had tried so hard to do the right thing and had not gotten any happiness or satisfaction. I felt unworthy, unlovable, and full of shame. I was so angry particularly at my father; by then I had learned enough to know my issues with self esteem started with the early childhood abuse that came from him. I unleashed years of anger, cursed at him, and went no contact with him; this was a monumental event in my family because nobody ever talked back to my dad. Soon afterward I stopped speaking to my older brother as well because he didn't even bother to call and check in on how I was doing after my divorce. Almost a year went by, I was numb, broken, depressed, and all I could focus on was finishing my last year of residency. In the mean time, my father separated from my mother, saying that part of the reason he was leaving her because he was so upset that she had continued to speak to me after I had cut him off. He filed for divorce all the while telling my mother that he needed some space and that maybe they would get back together in the future.

I moved back to my home city after residency and got my first real job. My younger brother, who I was close with, cut me out of his life, because he said I was so full of anger that I had caused our family to fall apart. My mother would often have angry outbursts and scream at me stating that I ruined her life. I finally had enough of being the scapegoat and for almost a year I didn't speak to my mother. I had no family in my life, I felt alone in the world except for my boyfriend at the time. Since my divorce 3 years ago, I have had two 8 month relationships which have ended because I felt like my partner is inevitably going to blindside me and betray me. I broke up with my last boyfriend a week ago and feel again like I have nobody.

I have done three years now of weekly therapy, I am in perfect health, good at my job, have some strong female friendships, have ample time and money to travel, change jobs, live wherever I want. But inside I am broken, unable to trust anyone, and feel hopeless that I will be able to live a normal happy life. I have developed a strong distrust and deep hatred of men and I realized I'm not going to have a successful relationship. I have no hope that my family will ever be healthy or loving to me. I feel like I was born to be abused and discarded by evil men.

I have never written about my personal life like this for strangers on the internet and I am not sure what I am hoping to get. Mainly I just want to not feel so alone. I can't talk keeping talking about my suicidal thoughts with my friends because its not fair to keep burdening them with this. Last night I couldn't sleep so I drove out at 2 am to a dark park by myself with my gun and cartridges. I wasn't really planning on putting a bullet in my head, it was more just an exercise to feel like I can make a big change in my life. I have had a loaded gun in my mouth in the past and have been unable to pull the trigger because the truth is I feel scared to make a big change. I have also seen many failed suicide attempts in my line of work, included a guy who blew off half is face with a self-inflicted gunshot wound; the thought of failing badly is also holding me back.
 
CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
Hi, very close situations. Few years older. Physical abuse as well since I'm male. You're not alone.
 
Last edited:
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C

Chelsea Leng

Student
Feb 3, 2024
139
I am the daughter of south asian immigrants in my early thirties and work full time as a physician. Despite the money, health, and the freedom I have, I still think about suicide because of all the pain and betrayal I have lived through.

I was born into an abusive home, my father was narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I still loved him and feared him and respected him all at once. He emotionally and verbally abused my mother and me and my two brothers throughout my childhood (and occasionally would hit me too). Some of my earliest childhood memories as a 3 or 4 year old are of my father yelling at me in anger while I was frozen in fear. My mother is an emotionally immature (imagine the emotional capacity of a teenage girl) woman who parentified her kids in order to get her needs met, often heaping guilt and shame on us for all the suffering she endured as a woman who wanted to have a career but was stuck being a stay-at-home mom. I reacted to the situation by overachieving. I worked hard at everything I did, was the team captain of a varsity sport and became a high school valedictorian. I thought if I achieved enough maybe I would not hate myself and think I am worthy of happiness. I slipped into a long and severe depression during my college years after a breakup, would walk home every day crying for a whole year. I felt like I didn't fit into the world, no matter how hard I tried and pretended to be normal I felt worthless and shameful and afraid that everyone is going to find out. Still I kept working hard in school, did lots of research and extracurriculars, and got a scholarship to attend a great medical school. Even though I was so scared, depressed, and broken at this time, I continued to be my parents' golden child. They bragged about me to friends and relatives all over the world. At this time was still emotionally dependent on my parents, cared deeply about their opinion of my because I knew no other way, and I was financially dependent on them for living expenses. Most of all, I trusted them. In my culture, there's a lot of emphasis on parents knowing best, and if a parent thinks something is the best decision that means it is.

When I got to med school, I realized I hated the medical field. I didn't like being around sick, sad people all the time and I hated how physicians are basically cogs in a machine to make profits in a morally corrupt healthcare industry. I started dating an older med student while I was in medical school and because of my cultural background/religion, I wasn't allowed to date him unless I quickly married him. I changed my whole career trajectory for him basically, including which specialty I did and where I did residency. We moved to another city to do our residency. After two years in residency, I found out that that my husband had been hiring prostitutes and cheating on me. I felt so betrayed, not just by him but by my mom and dad whose opinion I had trusted so deeply in making the decision to get married to this guy.

I started the divorce process feeling so hopeless, like my whole life I had tried so hard to do the right thing and had not gotten any happiness or satisfaction. I felt unworthy, unlovable, and full of shame. I was so angry particularly at my father; by then I had learned enough to know my issues with self esteem started with the early childhood abuse that came from him. I unleashed years of anger, cursed at him, and went no contact with him; this was a monumental event in my family because nobody ever talked back to my dad. Soon afterward I stopped speaking to my older brother as well because he didn't even bother to call and check in on how I was doing after my divorce. Almost a year went by, I was numb, broken, depressed, and all I could focus on was finishing my last year of residency. In the mean time, my father separated from my mother, saying that part of the reason he was leaving her because he was so upset that she had continued to speak to me after I had cut him off. He filed for divorce all the while telling my mother that he needed some space and that maybe they would get back together in the future.

I moved back to my home city after residency and got my first real job. My younger brother, who I was close with, cut me out of his life, because he said I was so full of anger that I had caused our family to fall apart. My mother would often have angry outbursts and scream at me stating that I ruined her life. I finally had enough of being the scapegoat and for almost a year I didn't speak to my mother. I had no family in my life, I felt alone in the world except for my boyfriend at the time. Since my divorce 3 years ago, I have had two 8 month relationships which have ended because I felt like my partner is inevitably going to blindside me and betray me. I broke up with my last boyfriend a week ago and feel again like I have nobody.

I have done three years now of weekly therapy, I am in perfect health, good at my job, have some strong female friendships, have ample time and money to travel, change jobs, live wherever I want. But inside I am broken, unable to trust anyone, and feel hopeless that I will be able to live a normal happy life. I have developed a strong distrust and deep hatred of men and I realized I'm not going to have a successful relationship. I have no hope that my family will ever be healthy or loving to me. I feel like I was born to be abused and discarded by evil men.

I have never written about my personal life like this for strangers on the internet and I am not sure what I am hoping to get. Mainly I just want to not feel so alone. I can't talk keeping talking about my suicidal thoughts with my friends because its not fair to keep burdening them with this. Last night I couldn't sleep so I drove out at 2 am to a dark park by myself with my gun and cartridges. I wasn't really planning on putting a bullet in my head, it was more just an exercise to feel like I can make a big change in my life. I have had a loaded gun in my mouth in the past and have been unable to pull the trigger because the truth is I feel scared to make a big change. I have also seen many failed suicide attempts in my line of work, included a guy who blew off half is face with a self-inflicted gunshot wound; the thought of failing badly is also holding me back.
Do u see any failed attempts using h2s gas method?
 
CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
How are you doing currently?
 
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BrainShower

BrainShower

Tiny storm
Nov 7, 2023
202
Hi, I am sorry for your situation. I empathize with your mistrust and fear of relationships very deeply.
Your family sounds very dysfunctional. I hope you do not blame yourself for any of that. I also have experienced this.
Wish I had good advice to give, but just wanted to say that you've been heard by people who understand.
I hope you find your way towards peace.
 
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BojackHorseman

BojackHorseman

The View From Halfway Down
Feb 8, 2023
60
I am so so sorry for what you went through. My parents are still together, although they shouldnt be. I was their scapegoat too. My father would tell me that its my fault we're poor, my fault he cant have nice things, I cost too much to feed (although he always had money for burgers and beer every night), I ruined his life, I should have never been born, and that its my fault my mother doesnt have sex with him. This all started pre-kindergarden.
I totally empathazie with your pain. I understand there may be cultural differences, but for me cutting them off completely was the best thing I ever did. When I was a young adult, I was also convinced that they always knew what was right and tried my best to please them. It wasnt till at therapist told me at like 25 years old that I am a grown ass married woman and dont have to listen to them, I can drive away. Sounds stupid obvious I know, but it was super helpful. At first I tried setting boundaries, but those were repeatedly crossed. It wasnt until I did a full ban that I saw real progress. I havent spoken to my father in probably 10 years now, and its been lovely. I just recently started talking to my mother again, but with strict boundaries and she knows i will just cut her off again if she doesnt respect them.
I used to have intense hatred for my father, intense hatred. I don't hate him anymore or wish him harm for the things he did to me. Dont get me wrong, I dont forgive him nor have I forgotten, and I certainly have no desire to have a relationship with him. All I'm saying is that my desire for bad things to happen to him that used to consume my every waking moment has now subsided. I had to completely cut him out of my life, and everyone who supports him, before I was able to distance myself and be able to let it go. If your able to, I highly recommend it, although I understand thats not always an option for some.
To say I have stopped obsessively hating him though doesnt mean I am necessairily over it. We live in a small rural town, so I have passed him on the road and in stores. I dont speak, I keep going, but it absolutely destroys me. It fucks me up for a week. All he has to do is give me this look, he has this look that is just full of disgust and hatred for me. I havent crossed paths with him in town for a few years now though, maybe I will be fine if it happens again since more time has passed.
You have already done the other thing I was going to recommend: you said what you feel. I had to blow up on my mother and grandmother with all my feelings and get it out in the open, to put it in precise words the kind of bastard he is and why he is not welcome in my life in any way. I had to get my feelings off my chest and then say fuck it and distance myself from it all. It has taken literally a decade, but it feels good to finally be free of the hatred I was carrying in my soul.
Talking about your gun, I have also done the same. I have sat on my bed and held it to my head. Not sure what for, I didnt have the intention of pulling the trigger at the time. I just find it comforting to know its there, if things become just abolutely unbearable, its there. Unfortuantly for him, my husband loves and depends on me too much for me to leave him alone in this world. I have also seen unsuccessful suicide attempts here at the hospital that have scared me.
Side note: I am also in healthcare, and I also hate it. Sorry you hate it too. I have a degree, but as a physician yours required much more time and money than mine, so I'm very sorry you dont like it. I feel like my job has been very detrimental to my mental health.
Sorry for the long story, didnt mean to write so much, I just felt like we had alot in common.
 
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K

Kit1

Enlightened
Oct 24, 2023
1,022
I bread through everything you wrote and hear you - and totally understand the pressures from the Asian perspective given own background.

I am also glad that you are on the recovery section. There can be a life beyond the family and societal pressures and abuses. Not all partners are going to cheat which is difficult to believe after what you have been through - and also not everyone has to be in a relationship to be happy. In fact, I have noticed that my friends who are single are happier than the ones in relationships!

Wishing and send you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to reach out. Take care.
 
R

Regen

I stay in my power
Aug 20, 2020
358
I feel you. A long time in my life I was high functional (and high suicidal) too.

Since some years I visit CoDA-meetings and there sometimes I listen to similar stories. Maybe you will try that too. But if not, sorry for mentioned it.

It is very difficult to follow the own passion without thinking of what the parents thought about it... My parents are less difficult then yours but this deep feeling of loneliness and this problems with men I really understand.

Your past was really difficult, I am so sorry to hear this. But when I read your words I can also feel some really strong energy inside you. I wish you can find a way to take this energy and love to yourself and your own life, your heart, your deep wishes. I think you could make a really great change like others I saw. That would be great... I hope you will have the power and the hope to go on. Much love to you!
 

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