Do you want to get better?

[Achlys]

I don't know anymore. Sometimes I commit self-sabotage in paltry attempts at pushing me closer to ctb. Performing such acts makes me question whether I even want to get better. My last act of sabotage involved staying home from the latter few weeks of classes and skipping my final exams. Now I have academic probation to look forward to. I don't know why I bother trying these days. There's one final medical procedure that has the potential to alleviate some of my despair, but I'm not optimistic about my chances, let alone that I would have to endure another two years in this hell merely to undergo it. I've all but given up, so why can't I be more decisive and just forfeit entirely already? Instead, I find myself in a race I don't even know I want to win, trapped in some accursed limbo.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case there is no such thing as 'getting better'. I simply do not see life as being worth living. I have no interest in suffering when instead I could be peacefully not existing. To me, non existence is always preferable to living. Life is just unnecessary problems and misery all for the sake of it and if I was dead then nothing could possibly hurt me. I have never wanted to live and nothing could make me want to stay here.

 

[Expiry]

I want to but I don't know how. I wasn't always like how I am now but somewhere along the line it just feels like something broke.

 

[Flying Away]

Yes

 

[Ash’Girl]

I used to. And I did try, for a long time.

Now I don't believe I can. Or for me even if the briefest respite comes, the depression comes back worse than before. I'm just wired a certain way and meds / therapy don't change that (for me).

 

[Interloper]

Nope, I'm also a chronic self-saboteur. Getting better brings too much work with it.

 

[tilsleepcomes]

Sometimes I self-sabotage cuz I'm sure today is the day I CTB or die to my intentional recklessness. Then SI kicks in, or I survive my intentional attempt at overdose or risking my life.

Then I just suffer more and hate myself more.

Sometes I've even self-sabotaged in the hopes the suffering would be so acute I would overcome my SI and finally DO IT.

 

[hungry_ghost]

I want to but I don't know how. I wasn't always like how I am now but somewhere along the line it just feels like something broke.

Holy shit, this is exactly what I was about to say, lol.

 

[hellispink]

There's no way to get better for me. The world is rotten and all there is problems and selfish people. Injustices are the daily in this world. I can't be ok seeing others suffering or being hungry while the government and masses just enjoy themselves. The system makes me nauseous. Sure I can obtain things or improve me and ignore all of that, but i dont wanna live ignoring others pain or being slave for the rich.

 

[Liferunner]

No I don't want to get better, not for the sake of this world in its current state. Humanity is simply disgusting and I think we will be wiped out in a few centuries. I have fought long enough and I don't have it in me anymore. Every night I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just can't stand having nothing to live while at the same time finding no happiness. I am just too weak to muster the courage to ctb but I pray that will change in the coming months.

 

[Nirrend]

I tried to get better, but every time, i get caught by my suicidal ideation, i think that in my case, there's no other solutions

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yes.... No..... Idk.... Idc

I have dreams, ambition... But it all seems pointless and empty with this hole in my heart

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I can't really get better without going back in time, my life is screwed at this point and I have hardly any family left so I think what's the point? I wish I had got help 15 years ago and tried to enjoy life more then when it was possible. Now I don't believe it is.

 

[Achlys]

Then I just suffer more and hate myself more.

Sometes I've even self-sabotaged in the hopes the suffering would be so acute I would overcome my SI and finally DO IT.

This aligns with my rationale, even if only subconsciously. Inevitably, as you said, the suffering inflicted by one's own hands only perpetuates self-loathing.

 

[wanttodie]

no i want to die want my life to be over

 

[locked*n*loaded]

For me that would depend on the definition of "get better". If get better means just not having feelings and desires of needing to ctb, while everything else in my life stays exactly the same, then no.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

No. Recovery is a joke for me and hope is almost delusional and toxic. At the end,reality always wins and the world we are living in, is full of ignorant,narcissistic and delusional people. Getting better is not always possible imo

 

[Euthanza]

No. I deliberately want to die, that's the very definition of suicide.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I don't know anymore. I don't know about anything anymore. This is probably the most lost I've ever felt in my entire life.

 

[outrider567]

Get better? For me, that would be an impossibility

 

[Messgram]

I don't know anymore. Sometimes I commit self-sabotage in paltry attempts at pushing me closer to ctb. Performing such acts makes me question whether I even want to get better. My last act of sabotage involved staying home from the latter few weeks of classes and skipping my final exams. Now I have academic probation to look forward to. I don't know why I bother trying these days. There's one final medical procedure that has the potential to alleviate some of my despair, but I'm not optimistic about my chances, let alone that I would have to endure another two years in this hell merely to undergo it. I've all but given up, so why can't I be more decisive and just forfeit entirely already? Instead, I find myself in a race I don't even know I want to win, trapped in some accursed limbo.

Fighting takes a lot of work and there's no guarantee that you'll make it, so i'd rather sabotage myself and push myself even more towards suicide than keep fighting.

 

[Mixo]

I would give my soul to get my health back and resume living like a real person again. I don't glorify or romanticise death but I know it's a reasonable outcome for me to self euthanise after so many sincere attempts at recovery.

 

[Poor Stargazer]

No, I just want it to be over.

 

[theboy]

Me 2

 

[Painless_end]

No. I just want to die. My basic personality which I strongly believe is due to some neurological issues those make my life very difficult for no reason.

If you asked me right now, I would never be more physically and mentally fit than I am right now, I have no diagnosable mental or physical issues yet I have other issues that have complicated my existence beyond hope.

It's really not worth it for me to continue existing now. It's really not.

 

[_Minsk]

I can relate a lot to this

 

[Slimetae]

i stopped stressing about it and really caring it is what it is .

 

[outatime_85]

Yes, I would not mind getting well.

For now, I live day by day doing my own self-reflection, still trying to learn to accept what I went through, what was done, and who I am now.

That said, I am a broken toy, and I am not sure how much of me is recoverable or can be healed.

 

[chloramine]

I don't know. Sometimes. Sometimes it's still just too much and I don't see the point. Sometimes I want safe and safe people that I trust. I usually don't believe it's possible anymore, but I can want it more than dying.

 

[Darkover]

if i could get better i would love too but thats impossible the only real solution is to end this terrible lifetime