do you *want* to die?

[sorararara]

**i don't mean this in the weird, invalidating "don't kill yourself!!! you don't want to die, you just want to stop feeling sad!!!" way that other people present it in.
please read the rest of this

i know this question might sound stupid, but i wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that i do. also, it's a weird thing to talk about anywhere else.

i've stated it a million times, but i genuinely don't want to die. all of my previous attempts and plans to ctb were never about me wanting to die—it's about me needing to die. there's just no way for me to be happy in this life. i want to live a long life that's full of love and happiness, and i wouldn't even be on this site if i believed that was possible. that's one of the reasons why ctb has been a difficult thing for me to do. i don't want to die, i need to. i can't be miserable for the rest of my life, but there's nothing but misery in my future, so i need to die. i'll probably want to die someday, i dunno.

i've heard a lot of people say that they don't want to live. regardless of their pain and struggles, they don't want to be alive because they simply have no interest in living. that's understable, i'm not dismissing anyone who feels this way. you shouldn't have to live if you don't want to, even if your life is great in general.

so, yeah, i'm just wondering which side everyone falls on, if any.

(of course, you're valid no matter what you want. whether you've been through some terrible shit and still want to live, you've had a happy life without troubles but still want to die, etc... it's all valid.)

 

[genie]

Not at the moment. I have been suicidal since 13. What comforts me is it's always am option in case things go drastically wrong such as homelessness or severe illness. I'm more tired of life at the moment than actively wanting to die.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I don't want to CTB either.

I genuinely want to live, I've been screaming it since day 1. But each day is a challenge. Wanting to die to me is more of a mantra with a sprinkle of reality that I have the cability to do it, to escape the burden of my own mind rather than a timeline I want to be a reality. It gives me peace to know I can, but that doesn't mean I want to at this moment.

But in the case where there is no hope, ever, I know suicide is available. But not now, and I hope it stays that way.

 

[Danby]

I don't really WANT to die. I want to be happy. But I can't take much more of the struggle my life has become.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

No, not particularly. But I wish I was never born, since there's absolutely nothing worth coming into existence for imo. But I'm alive now, and the only way to change that is to die. Like the text under my profile says, "Sleep is good, death is better". But the quote ends on, "but of course, the best thing would be to never have been born at all."

I like sleep, as it's generally a nice break from living. "Living is a sickness to which sleep provides relief every 16 hours. It's a palliative. Death is the cure", a bit from Nicolas Chamfort. But death is presumably a permanent cessation of living (if traditional physicalism is true). So if sleep isn't enough to get you by, death is all that's left. So I just gotta do what I must when the time comes. It's not ideal, but not being born is a luxury that no one is capable of attaining.

 

[willitpass]

If I didn't have crippling treatment resistant mental illness that stole my childhood and is now years into stealing my adult life as well, I would love to stay alive. I have passions. Up until recently I was working in a career I love but had to quit due to my mental illnesses destroying my physical health. I'm still in school to further that career. I have hobbies that I love but no longer have the energy for. When I'm in a good headspace I find a lot of meaning in friends and family and relationships. If mental illness didn't steal it all from me then I would have a very fulfilling life. In that sense, no I don't want to die. But I am out of treatment options and have been for years. I know the odds of me ever recovering to the point where life is worth it are very slim. And I do not wish to wait around on the slim chance. In that sense, yes I do want to die. The benefits due not outweigh the risks.

 

[Mojo's mama]

I don't really want to die. But I don't want to keep feeling the way I do. I've had lots of therapy for almost 30 years and it hasn't helped (not the same therapist). I've tried medication and the last psychiatrist said she didn't think new meds would help. I actually appreciated her being honest. It's not a chemical imbalance in my brain so drugs won't help. I've suspected this for a long time. I've got borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, MDD, bulimia, alcoholism and addicted to hard substances (the latter 2 have only developed in the last year. The others 20+) I'm not young. I'm in my early 40s. Not married, no kids, live with my mom still. Each passing year, it gets harder to see things truly improving.
I am lucky to say I do have some people in my life who are good. I don't want to leave them. But they can't help. They try as best they can.
One part of me is still really holding on to that every so tiny piece of hope. The other is very tired, very lonely, very overwhelmed by the negative thoughts in my head.
Also... I'm scared. Scared of what happens when you die... no one knows what really happens. I'm worried how it will effect those left behind. My one friend CTB in Feb 2022.... I know how it effected me. And the guilt I felt about not being able to do more is part of why I'm in this place today. I know... I know... in the end, it is someone's choice if they CTB or not... and I won't be around to know if they do. After he died... I never, ever wanted to put anyone through what I went through and what his family went through (and the train conductor) But here I am.
So..... it's not so easy. If there was a red pill (that would let me pass peacefully without suspicion that I CTB) and a blue pill (that gave me motivation, hope and a promised chance at life improving just enough to get by)... I'd take the blue

 

[pain6batch9]

I don't want to die. I determined a long time ago that I would be the great undecided. I realise nobody will get this, but I'll try and explain it anyway. Here goes.

I have uncontrollable suicidal ideations. They come from the OCD so I'm told. I have depression as well. I don't want to die, I want to live. But, I want the thoughts to stop, and they will not.

So, I've developed a sense of fatalist determinism. (Maybe not in its original definition.) I've decided that if I live, I shall try to make the very best of the limited skills I have to make a difference in the world. As well as trying to fight back the demons of my own mental health. But, if death comes, in whatever form, I will not avoid it.

For example: Late one night, four guys pull up next to me in a car. They ask for directions to Buckingham Palace, which, being from London I was able to give. After a couple of tries at explaining the route, they asked if I could get in the car with them and show them the way. Now, I'm not John Wick, but I know most of the time I'm able to defend myself, being as I am, a vicious little c••t in a fight. And, I was going that way anyway, so I figured what the hell. Long story short, we ended up at the Palace. That's when the driver 'admitted' he was a terrorist and was going to blow up the car we were sitting in. The other three were silent. For a second, deep in my mind, panic begun to grip me. Then, in that moment, I released all my anger and fear. I simply said, 'Well, when you gotta go…'

The car irrupted into a cacophony of raging laughter at that point. Yeah, great joke guys thanks. Actually, the driver gave me his scarf as a kind of reward. It was cold that night.

But I achieved, in that moment, a weird zen like calmness. It's a philosophy I try to maintain to this day. That careful balance between survival and fatalism. I know this might not make sense. In any case, to answer your question, I don't want to die. But if death comes, or my mind breaks, I won't necessarily lament leaving this realm.

 

[huntermellow]

i feel exactly how you feel

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I believe there are things that would make me no longer desire death, but they are so far out of reach for someone like me that it is just not realistic for me to have them. Therefore, I will have to die. I just cannot stand the thought of never having such things.

 

[ham and potatoes]

i want to live and be happy.
i really dont think any of us want to die. we all want to live and be happy.
but being happy isnt in the cards for all of us for various reasons (mental and physical illness, family, finances, lonleyness, ext)
eventually, if the cards are stacked against you enough, hopping on the bus is the best hand you can play.

 

[Ariii]

In a way. How I see it is that it's the best solution I have and am willing to do. Therefore, I shall eventually do the solution. But I would prefer to be truly happy and free, so I guess not.

 

[sugarb]

Yes. I've seen enough

 

[SpeckofDust]

At this point, I want and need to be dead. I don't want to continue on with this life filled with pain, lonliness, hopelessness, and debilitating depression. I am ready for the relief I have needed for a long time. I do wish the methods available were more peaceful and dignified, though.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm ready to go to the next dimension. There's nothing but suffering here

 

[greenblood]

I am indecisive, when something bad happens in my life and nothing improves I really want to die and there are people who say "there are people who feel worse than you and keep living" maybe it is true and I would be a small example of that, although I also feel that they only try to minimize my problems by telling me that. When something minimally positive happens, I regret feeling bad and wanting to have wished to die.

 

[badtothebone]

Yes, I want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I have no connection no purpose no hope just numb. Nothing matters in my life anymore.

 

[Lostopportunities]

**i don't mean this in the weird, invalidating "don't kill yourself!!! you don't want to die, you just want to stop feeling sad!!!" way that other people present it in.
please read the rest of this

i know this question might sound stupid, but i wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that i do. also, it's a weird thing to talk about anywhere else.

i've stated it a million times, but i genuinely don't want to die. all of my previous attempts and plans to ctb were never about me wanting to die—it's about me needing to die. there's just no way for me to be happy in this life. i want to live a long life that's full of love and happiness, and i wouldn't even be on this site if i believed that was possible. that's one of the reasons why ctb has been a difficult thing for me to do. i don't want to die, i need to. i can't be miserable for the rest of my life, but there's nothing but misery in my future, so i need to die. i'll probably want to die someday, i dunno.

i've heard a lot of people say that they don't want to live. regardless of their pain and struggles, they don't want to be alive because they simply have no interest in living. that's understable, i'm not dismissing anyone who feels this way. you shouldn't have to live if you don't want to, even if your life is great in general.

so, yeah, i'm just wondering which side everyone falls on, if any.

(of course, you're valid no matter what you want. whether you've been through some terrible shit and still want to live, you've had a happy life without troubles but still want to die, etc... it's all valid.)

I relate to this, I feel like I missed a chance for a happy life, and now I'm just spiralling, feels like my soul was ripped out from me and now I'm just waiting for death to come.

 

[IwantHappiness]

I'm ready to go to the next dimension. There's nothing but suffering here

wanna go together?

 

[Mars34]

I want to live, but I suffer a lot and it just seems so hopeless to me. I feel as though its less painful to die. If life had less suffering I would want to stay here. There are some things I don't want to let go of, but I feel like letting go is better over living

 

[divinemistress36]

wanna go together?

If you are down to go to Valhalla :)

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i'm already dead to myself and everyone i used to know - all that remains is to leave, never look back.

 

[Geodude77]

I don't really WANT to die. I want to be happy. But I can't take much more of the struggle my life has become.

Same. My quality life has gone down the gutter in the last couple of years. I just don't see much of a point to continue but dying seems a bit extreme (although it seems less extreme by the day). I wish shit was different

 

[IwantHappiness]

If you are down to go to Valhalla :)

as long as I can re-claim all of my powers so that I become untouchable...and never be slave of this meat suite ever again
:-)

 

[wanttodie]

yes i want to die

 

[chester]

I want to live, but I want to live in a world that no longer exists. I don't want to live in this reality.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm sober, back in school, and have gotten pretty far into the interview process for a part time job that is adjacent to emergency medical services. As much as I hate myself and want to die, I know this is my chance to actually turn things around and maybe be able to live a relatively normal life from now on.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes, I want to die. I have no desire to experience anything in life nor do I want anything in life

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't want to experience death particularly. Whether it's natural death or CTB, chances are it seems it will be accompanied with fear and pain. If death were as simple as sneezing then, sure. But, it seems more likely a suicide method in particular will be highly risky. Why would I actually want to put myself through that?!! Because the prospect of more life also looks highly risky and also full of fear and pain. I expect when one frightens me more than the other, I'll do it. It's not something I want to do though- no. But then, I don't want to live either! They are all choices that were forced on us. We just pick the lesser of the evils I suppose.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I have gradually lost interest in living and the reasoning is because I realised how unfit I am for life itself. Life as in, the one humans have in this society. I am too weak for it. If I had a "normal" life up until now I probably would've been different.

I've also thought that I needed to die to escape future problems that have been planted in the past. What I mean by this is that shit will come bite me back in the future and once that happens it will be already over for I will be living a hell on earth of consequences.

I tried to check and screen for what could be worth living for me and I always come to the conclusion that life is work, sex, family, money and relationships (which I don't have and can't forge anymore).