Discussion Do you want to be in a relationship with someone else who also has mental health struggles?

[nevergoodenough91]

I am thinking about if I want to persue a relationship or not, and who that would be with. I realized that I think it would be better if both me and the other person dealt with mental health problems so we can understand each other better. A normal person would probably be under a lot of stress trying to understand and on top of that even be able to relate at all. Over time I think since ive struggled for such a long time that now my mental issues are a part of me in my personality in many ways. Someone else who has the same kind of thing would probably make it easier for both of us.

Theres also the issue of meeting them I dont know where these people normally are irl, but online there are many communities where connections could be made. Personally I dont trust online relationships but I know it has worked out for other people.

What are your thoughts about this?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I am thinking about if I want to persue a relationship or not, and who that would be with. I realized that I think it would be better if both me and the other person dealt with mental health problems so we can understand each other better. A normal person would probably be under a lot of stress trying to understand and on top of that even be able to relate at all. Over time I think since ive struggled for such a long time that now my mental issues are a part of me in my personality in many ways. Someone else who has the same kind of thing would probably make it easier for both of us.

Theres also the issue of meeting them I dont know where these people normally are irl, but online there are many communities where connections could be made. Personally I dont trust online relationships but I know it has worked out for other people.

What are your thoughts about this?

I am contemplating the same and even discussed it with my psychologist a couple weeks ago but like you I would prefer a mentally ill person too and a person that doesn´t work/NEET since I can´t work myself and working is so embedded into peoples personalities and value of themselves that I don´t think a normal person who works a full work day would understand or view me as a suitable match but the problem is where to meet them I am not sure how many people like this are on dating apps but I could maybe try sometime although in my case if I would get the courage to try meeting girls again I think there could easily go a year before I have fully processed that thoughts about me having a girlfriend again although I could be wrong I might just throw myself out there just to at least have tried and probably failed then I at least would´ve done it.

 

[Malaria]

I am in a relationship with someone who also has mental health struggles. He suffers from anxiety, OCD, depression, and trauma from events that happened in his childhood. As a result of that, we understand each other because we both know what it's like to have these kinds of disorders and past traumas. There are some downsides, though. One of them is that it's hard to see someone you care about struggle that much and feel powerless that you can't help them even if you want to. The other is that, depending on what kind of disorder they have, it can impact your relationship greatly. For example, I have BPD, and I'm sure you can see why it's hard on both me and my bf. It's hard for me to be in a relationship while having BPD because I'm always afraid I'm going to be abandoned and will have wild mood swings and engage in self destructive and impulsive behavior. It can be exhausting for the non-BPD partner because they always have to constantly reassure their partner that they're not going to leave them, and may also be on the receiving end of said mood swings. It's hard but we've been together for a while now so we do try to manage. Add to the fact that we're also LDR, it just makes everything so difficult for us, but we do try our best to manage in our own way.

 

[trashprincess]

Never learned how to connect with people, not sure if I even can, but I would like to find someone in a similar position as me and learn how to love together.

 

[LittleCupcake]

I would if they dont make their mental health stuff my problem and can some what deal with it on their own. I wouldnt want to create a dependency on eachother

 

[Final_Choice]

It has its pros and cons, on one hand if you aren't able to help each other out and create some sort of dependency it could become a toxic and possibly dangerous relationship. On the other hand, you would have someone who understands you and your struggles a lot better than someone who doesn't have mental health struggles, they wouldn't leave you after opening up to them, and you two could assist each other; resulting in a relationship with both people trusting each other and helping each other in different ways.

Biggest thing would be to make sure you trust them and that they deserve your trust and also finding them, like you mentioned. In public no one will publicly admit that and you'd have to get to know them before they do open up about things like this. Online there are communities which you could find people like this, but you could also be tricked and exploited in different ways.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

It's a complicated question. Mental health issues are difficult. It depends on the person and depends on the symptoms. I'd want a partner with whom I'd have a mutually beneficial relationship. This probably would require manageable symptoms.

I've got a macaw. Many autistic people can't handle being around something that says hello so loud it can be heard down the street. He's saved my life by so many times that I'd get rid of partner before him. People with BPD would likely find knowing this incredibly upsetting. Dark triad disorders are not something I want to mess with.

 

[whiteclaudia]

having just gotten out of one, yes and no. i think you have to be willing to get yourself to a point where your issues aren't consistently having a negative impact.

my ex had such an intense fear of being left out that i couldn't play a card game without them - let alone spend time with friends or have a private social media profile. once i started creating distance, they accused me of cheating. they tried to reach out to my friends to "clear their name" because they knew i had been venting. they talked about how they'd probably ctb without me. it got dark. they said it was just part of their bpd and they didn't think it would ever "go away" no matter how much they worked on it. that doesn't mean they couldn't have tried to manage it in a healthier way.

i don't think i could be in a relationship with someone without trauma. they wouldn't understand. that said, i'm definitely going to broach the subject of recovery and personal responsibility before i commit to anything in the future.

 

[sserafim]

That sounds like a recipe for disaster

 

[Meteora]

I had both, "healthy" partners and such with mental health issues. Both had advanteged and disadvanteges

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

For things to work smoothly, one or both of you should be healing and able to cope with life on your own before jumping into a relationship. Depending on each other when you're both struggling a lot will only result in further struggles. I completely understand wanting someone who can know what you're experiencing and understand your perspective, but as someone currently in a relationship with someone else who's pretty mentally ill, it can be devastating to your health and progress. You have to make sure you're able to handle your mental health crises before trying to take on your partner's.

 

[Moonomyth]

Not anymore, no. I find that I am regularly judged for behaviors that my spouse also experiences, and for the same reasons, because I don't have quite the exact cocktail of mental health issues of my partner. Overall, I am significantly more functional, which means a great deal more caregiving and daily tasks are imposed on me. If I have a setback, it can never be serious enough to impede the day to day of chores and earning a living, or I am only making things significantly worse for my spouse.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

My mental health issues only stem from loneliness, for me physical health/pain is my core issue. I'd definitely like a relationship with someone with physical health problems such as pain or someone who needs a quiet lifestyle for whatever reason

 

[ColorlessTrees]

It worked for me, but having been through both sides, I think it's more about compatibility. Not that I have much experience with relationships aside from one that I never wanted in the first place, and another leading to marriage. But maybe we succeeded because while he has dealt with insane amounts of trauma, he's still much higher functioning than me, and that's been a catalyst for my own improvement..

There are quite a few variables here, but it no doubt creates a unique dynamic. On one hand, the burden is doubled, but sorrow shared is sorrow halved; if your mental health issues are 'compatible', similar, then your outcome is more likely to work. But if your personalities or conditions conflict, say one is very needy/fearful, and the other becomes closed off when depressed, that is a recipe for disaster. Ask me how I know.

Your milage may vary. Relationships are already complex without adding illness into the ring, but if it's important enough to both people, you can probably make it out alive. Half the battle is finding a person who's not a flake when times get rough. It's harder to meet people in today's world.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

What are your thoughts about this?

I think it's an issue of wanting understanding, first and foremost. The most verifiable form of understanding involves said person experiencing the disorder. Maybe mutuality too, so that you can feel like the dynamic is balanced in terms of emotional neediness. I say this as someone who once developed attraction to a mental health professional that treated me, who is usually turned off by neurotypicals.

Over time I think since ive struggled for such a long time that now my mental issues are a part of me in my personality in many ways.

This is true, which makes the question so loaded. Since you said mental health in general, and not a specific disorder. Two people with DID could get along well. I could also imagine NPD and BPD clashing terribly.

Me personally, I find all expressions of common disorders fine except for GAD. People with GAD just piss me off for some reason, likely because it's the complete opposite of my personality. I tend to be attracted to autistic people and people with ADHD.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

autism or adhd? maybe. BPD? hell no. I was with someone who made my life a living hell. I hope he returns to the hell that spawned him

 

[slightoverlooked]

im not sure but probably not with someone who is suicidal like me :(( i just dont think i could deal with that. it would be a dependent relationship.

 

[theboy]

the love partner may be "empowered" with negative thoughts and behaviors, causing a toxic and perhaps dangerous relationship.

 

[Adûnâi]

I've got a macaw. Many autistic people can't handle being around something that says hello so loud it can be heard down the street. He's saved my life by so many times that I'd get rid of partner before him.

I thought it was some terrible condition, but it's a parrot, nice!

One of them is that it's hard to see someone you care about struggle that much and feel powerless that you can't help them even if you want to.

It's hard for me to be in a relationship while having BPD because I'm always afraid I'm going to be abandoned

a person that doesn´t work/NEET since I can´t work myself and working is so embedded into peoples personalities and value of themselves that I don´t think a normal person who works a full work day would understand or view me as a suitable match

All true!

my ex had such an intense fear of being left out that i couldn't play a card game without them - let alone spend time with friends or have a private social media profile.

This one hits close to home, too, as I can't really attain such regularity as to be online every single day. (I'm online, but not interacting.)

I'd definitely like a relationship with someone with physical health problems such as pain

That's an unexpected quote^^

On one hand, the burden is doubled, but sorrow shared is sorrow halved; if your mental health issues are 'compatible', similar, then your outcome is more likely to work. But if your personalities or conditions conflict, say one is very needy/fearful, and the other becomes closed off when depressed, that is a recipe for disaster. Ask me how I know.

Both so spot-on!

Me personally, I find all expressions of common disorders fine except for GAD. People with GAD just piss me off for some reason, likely because it's the complete opposite of my personality.

Interesting, is it about worrying? (Feel free not to reply.)

I kind of get anxious at these psychiatric terms, I don't trust them, and can't even imagine them. For me, a person is always his own thing in particular, it's apparently unnatural for me to group people by "mental disorders". I do understand "bipolar", but only if someone radically changes his mind over nothing (so it's probably not BPD).

im not sure but probably not with someone who is suicidal like me :(( i just dont think i could deal with that. it would be a dependent relationship.

...Meanwhile, for me, suicidality would be a decent basis for establishing a common ground. I would inherently be suspicious of a non-suicidal person.

I hope you don't mind the lengthy quotes, it might not be an incel forum, but writing out the fitting quotes can be a decent practice, imho.

Personally, I'd like to be in a relationship with anyone at all, but I would fully expect to be rejected lmao, so that's kind of pointless? Of course, then it could be asked whether "wanting" would be sufficient to change my behaviour to her tastes, and I'm not sure whether that's possible, or depends on required extent.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Interesting, is it about worrying? (Feel free not to reply.)

I hate it when people overreact and can't see it as irrational. It would be really rude to say "calm down," so I don't, but in my head I do and I'm not a nice person.

 

[SexyIncél]

Reminds me of a quote: "In a pathological society such as our own, in contrast, those individuals who do somehow manage to preserve that inborn artistic "genius" with which all children begin their lives, do so at tremendous personal cost; they are typically driven half mad by the experience."

One idea from disability is that we're all disabled. For example, we can't fly like birds. And when you look at normies, they must be mentally fucked up — for the world to look like this. But they're the norm, so not labelled disabled

I'm basically saying: you're gonna get someone mentally fucked up, to some degree. Some mental illnesses even come from desirable traits, like retaining their childish genius

So I'd say it depends on:

• her metacognition & respectfulness to me
• my ability to be independent: give her space by doing my own thing until she pulls me into her world

These are invariant — they hold regardless of her mental illness or how much she struggled in life

 

[qw3rty259]

It depends of kinds of those mental health problems. If those are just some mild struggles that can be deemed as "weird" traits of given persons, then it may work and you could, so to say, help each other. But if both of you have something really severe, I think you're most certainly just gonna be a disfunctional couple. It'll be really hard even if one of you have something really bad, because it becomes a burden for another partner and you may not be able to really help them or tolerate certain behaviors. No need to romanticize it.

 

[lita-lassi]

i recently talked my bf down from suicide for 5 hours straight and had to endure a plethora of self destruction and attempts to "get rid" of me on his part the whole time. hes been extremely depressed and suicidal for many years, no self esteem, very scared ill leave all the time and a bit of an addict to several things trying to numb reality. my own can of worms is major depressive, high anxiety, cptsd, suicide ideation (im here so obvs) and my own self-sabotage and addiction issues just to name a few. there's likely some undiagnosed shit on both sides in there as well. it can be very explosive at times but almost all the foul emotions are usually only aimed at ourselves or the world, rarely at the other. i dont know how long this will last or ultimately how healthy it is; sometimes the suicide talk gets a bit dicey if we're both feeling shitty and sobriety can be hard when both parties want to relapse at every junction.

but he also understands how hard a lot of issues ive dealt with are, hes brutally honest, loyal and willing to drop nearly anything to help me however he can. he encourages my sobriety which encourages his own. hes put up with more bs than i could ever ask anyone for and idk what he really gets out of it besides my messed up ass having a problem and crying every day love is love though and laying down the hard no's and boundaries and having someone understand and respect them has been the most important bit. ive dated "normal" and i dont think they could really handle my caustic/bleak approach to a lot of things or some of the odd communication patterns i have. i know they certainly felt helpless, scared or overwhelmed in the face of my mental health tanking really hard. sometimes my partner feels all three but he has the frame of reference to understand my feelings and know it will change for better or worse, usually better if he just keeps holding me

all this is to say i got very very lucky on the compatibility aspect. some issues work great together, a lot blow up. im sure at some point past the honeymoon phase we'll blow up entirely, but im happier if im not alone, hes not a dick in the slightest so here we are with somewhat volatile but altruistic love as best we can manage with our fucked up traumas

 

[Namarupa]

My problems are already bothersome enough. Bringing another fucked up person to the equation would be madness.

 

[MundaneMoths]

I've been with both. There's pros and cons. Dating someone who also struggles with mental health does bring empathy and understanding, but it can compound on the total stress if your anxieties feed eachother. My last reaction ship was nearly 4 years of just that. I didn't realize how bad it was for both of us until we broke up. I've also been in relationships with "normal" people, but to be honest, they never lasted long.

I've been single for two years now, my most recent fling committed suicide shortly after we met. I thought they were "normal" so that threw me off and I haven't had a taste for romance since.

So long story short: I don't think it matters. It's really hard to have a healthy relationship when you are mentally unwell. Hard to prioritize another, hard to be kind, hard to be patient. Everyone deserves to be loved regardless of how much they "love themselves", but I don't believe a romance can "save you". it might temporarily muffle the pain, but without the internal work, it'll creep out and cause havoc.

 

[gogoprince]

I think you'll find it hard to not find anyone whose had a mental health struggle. Sure, people tend to gravitate towards other people with similar experiences, but I wouldn't count anyone out because they haven't gone through exactly what you've gone through, or vice versa.

One of the difficult things about recovering from persistent suicidal ideation is that the whole time we've been stuck in this trap it's had a lot to do with the fact that we've been looking at ourselves as fundamentally broken people, right? But we're not! We're not any less worthy of love, or more hard to deal with a lot of times. My sister is married to a guy who gives her such a hard time , but he as far I know is not "mentally ill" he's just a jerk sometimes! You can find someone you really connect with regardless of whether they've been to therapy, or had suicidal thoughts because there are a lot of good people out there who want to love and be loved!

 

[whywere]

A relationship is like life, ups, downs and everything in between. A relationship takes work and give and take each and every minute, and at least for me, I could care less if someone has issues, like I have, as if we would click, then it is worth working together to move forward.

Walter

 

[melancholia_melodia]

We could depend on each other for support since we're both mentally ill, but we could also ruin one another, so idk, the risk is 50-50 in the relationship... but it's still worth it, it's a chance to make meaningful connections with someone else similar to urself.

 

[Ashu]

It was the only kind of relationship that was fair to myself and my partners and had any possibility of serious happiness. Unfortunately I ended up marrying a sane woman, which destroyed both our lives.

 

[Little_Suzy]

I don't date people with mental illness. Living with a mental illness isn't easy; we need to avoid stress and get plenty of rest. The extent to which my spouse can perform his duties is determined by his ability to function at full capacity. Sorry, but only I can be sick in this marriage! One of me is enough! Hahahahah!

Here's the truth. Your partner is not your home health aide or a mental health professional Trauma bonding or over-dependence on your partner creates a toxic relationship.

Partners provide emotional support and a comfortable lifestyle, allowing us to rest and avoid aggravating our illness. If the relationship is healthy because we are in a peaceful environment without stress, our mental health improves. This is healthy for our relationships!

Dump your trauma on therapists, and consult your doctors when you're not feeling well. Don't overwhelm your partner because you're too mentally ill. Hire help, such as delivery services, housekeeping, pet groomers, home health nurses, and keep a strong support network.

Don't believe that dating people with mental illnesses is the only way to feel understood and respected. A loving, emotionally mature partner will validate your mental illness and show compassion.