do you want to be in a calm state of mind when you ctb, or do it during a desperate episode?

[sadgirl9999]

basically i've struggled with the choice of waiting to be pushed over the edge, or just do it on a day where i feel more "normal" (which is never good lol, but just not in complete despair). not sure if other people experience that, but at least with me i have a ton of mood swings. always want to be dead though due to chronic pain. anyways, today was a better day and i was thinking about how nice it would be to just put on a music playlist, drink a lot of wine, and leave (partial method). but of course, that means SI would likely be harder to overcome. if i do it when i am at one of my very low points, there's probably less chance of messing up because i'll be so determined. but i don't want my last moments to feel that awful and distressed. i guess it doesn't matter in the end though

 

[asani]

Personally I want to do it when I'm cold-minded so nothing will push me back. Your mood can change momentarily and lead to chicken. I don't think you need it when you CTB.

 

[DyingAlf]

While it would be nice to be calm & composed I don't really care.
If I have to be desperate to succeed then so be it.
I just want to die.

Edit: I have calmly & carefully planned my ctb, but even if I did it a different way while distressed... I know for sure that this is what I want.

 

[woxihuanni]

A year ago I was going at it relatively calm. Now it doesn't look likely that it'll be anything peaceful. Same as anybody else who is murdered, the only difference is I have to do the dirty work for the murderer myself.

 

[reggiesaurus]

Either - you die all the same. But hopefully benzos will keep me collected enough to not freak out and alert someone

 

[Deathbydemo]

I want to be completely calm and drink my SN in bed. Lie down afterwards and just wait for death to take me. Talking about it, I feel almost euphoric so I'm hoping that lasts for the actual event.

 

[death137]

I was thinking about this lately. I want to ctb during a desperate state. When I look at my history all my serious attempts were made when I felt desperate. Also even if I want to feel calm I can't because my of method.

 

[theguineapigking]

I think I need to do it when I am extra depressed, personally. Here's the thing though: I think it's something that should be both decided and planned(method, place, etc) when you're in a calm, normal state of mind. Provided that you're 100% sure that you truly want to die, and you have a method planned, I think an impulse attempt is sometimes what's needed to actually go through with it. However, I don't think you should be drunk then decide to just go do partial(for example), otherwise you may mess up. If you have everything done and ready, then being drunk may help to go through with it(again, being drunk is an example).


I get what you mean though, sadgirl. Sometimes I feel really relaxed and in a calm state of mind, yet I imagine going to the hotel and taking sn, because I feel like I just want to sleep(die). Sadly, I still haven't. I need something to push me over the edge. I think doing it at a low point can increase your chance at success.

I'm really sorry that you feel so trapped and I hope that you figure things out. It's a horrible feeling to feel trapped and go back and forth between emotions. I really wish it was only good days for you!

Best wishes @sadgirl9999

 

[nitroautnz]

Im not sure, its a good question, i suppose ca depend on the method. If its going to be painful i probably want to be desperate to help. But if its line SN or exit bag I think its better to be sure you don't it properly.

 

[Jellyfish42]

Calm state ideally because it should be a decision made without your emotions getting the best of you. In desperation there may be recklessness and that could lead to a failed attempt.

It might not be possible because now-a-days the animalistic/emotional side of me is mainly driving my thoughts/behavior. So I might have to settle and let it be my driving force.

Maybe the trick is finding a combination of both.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I can relate to what you said. It would be ideal to be calm - less chance of messing up and further ruining my life. But SI is so strong and pervasive. I may have to be desperate. I attempted the first time out pf desperation, unfortunately. I "felt calm" but... I didn't plan it at all. It just sorta happened.

 

[Pharmaruined]

Tough call.. I'm pretty confident I'll be calm , cool and collected with just fierce determination.. I haven't had a strong emotion in 10 years, just numbness everywhere.. but I know it's because my system is just so damaged.

I think as long as you know there is no way to heal you'll do it calmly.. if there is any doubt or something you have yet to try there is going to be more anxiety even if its not why you think your feeling it.. if that makes sense..

On a side note, there are lots of frequency devices/microcurrent that do a heck of a job for pain and even healing.. just throwing that out there..

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I would love to be calm, collected and at peace with my death but in reality, I'll probably be in more of a desperate and emotional state.

 

[AMG44]

I personally would do it on a bad day, so that SI is easier to overcome

 

[BorderlineSuicidal]

Ideally, while I'm calm. However, that just isn't realistic for me due to a number of reasons that are hard to explain.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I want to be calm and aware. Another member posted something in humor and it makes me laugh, but it also will help me at the time, so I might put it up on the wall to set and maintain the tone for me: We die like men. However, that doesn't mean desperation won't be the motivation.

 

[tidalwxves]

basically i've struggled with the choice of waiting to be pushed over the edge, or just do it on a day where i feel more "normal" (which is never good lol, but just not in complete despair). not sure if other people experience that, but at least with me i have a ton of mood swings. always want to be dead though due to chronic pain. anyways, today was a better day and i was thinking about how nice it would be to just put on a music playlist, drink a lot of wine, and leave (partial method). but of course, that means SI would likely be harder to overcome. if i do it when i am at one of my very low points, there's probably less chance of messing up because i'll be so determined. but i don't want my last moments to feel that awful and distressed. i guess it doesn't matter in the end though

I don't think ANYONE should every make this decision in desperate breakdown type of state. Death is PERMANENT, IRREVERSIBLE. It is NOT good to advise anyone to make decisions that cannot be changed when their mind is functioning at its literal worst. It's one of the most tragic things that can happen. It leads to people dying over things they would have healed from. Suicide is a choice, yes, I don't judge people who make that decision but I definitely am very against encouraging people to make their most important choice in the worst possible state to make a decision.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I don't think ANYONE should every make this decision in desperate breakdown type of state. Death is PERMANENT, IRREVERSIBLE. It is NOT good to advise anyone to make decisions that cannot be changed when their mind is functioning at its literal worst. It's one of the most tragic things that can happen. It leads to people dying over things they would have healed from. Suicide is a choice, yes, I don't judge people who make that decision but I definitely am very against encouraging people to make their most important choice in the worst possible state to make a decision.

Nicely phrased.

 

[muffin222]

I want to be calm and certain when I do it. Only in a serene state of mind am I fully able to connect to my truths

 

[Bauhaus]

I thought about this a lot and I think it's 2 extremes:
- Either you're in a sort of hyper agitated state where you want to do it immediately without hesitation and thinking, as in a impulsive moment.
- Or you feel completely calm, like you have made peace with yourself.
But I could never do it when I feel severely depressed and especially anxious.

If I go for exit bag, I need to be in the second state, you need to be calm and focused to prepare everything and can't permit any nervousness and anxiety.

 

[Sensei]

I hope that I will do it when I'm in my right mind. That said, I know that if I do it during one of my bipolar depressive episodes, I will feel no fear, sadness or hesitation.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I want to be calm and I've been in that state of acceptance before, even had a few practice runs to be sure, except I couldn't let go of my mother. It's just not going to happen either until she passes or something makes me do it on impulse. It's shitty but I hope for the latter anyway. I want my judgment to be overridden so I can get this over with.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I want to be calm, sipping one last drink on a wooded hilltop while taking in the sunset. Just before it gets dark, I picture myself rising, slowly putting the noose around my neck and letting go. I would hate to die in a panicky state of mind. Your last feelings on earth should not be fear and confusion.

 

[woxihuanni]

No amount of drugs can calm me down, probably. Stopped eating with death nearby, and I want to eat everything. I want to eat a trillion dishes. I hate dying. I can never die calm. I don't even want to die of old age, I never want to die.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I don't think ANYONE should every make this decision in desperate breakdown type of state. Death is PERMANENT, IRREVERSIBLE. It is NOT good to advise anyone to make decisions that cannot be changed when their mind is functioning at its literal worst. It's one of the most tragic things that can happen. It leads to people dying over things they would have healed from. Suicide is a choice, yes, I don't judge people who make that decision but I definitely am very against encouraging people to make their most important choice in the worst possible state to make a decision.

thank you for writing this. Very well said and I 100% agree with you.

As for me- I want to be calm. It will be a very emotional day as I've chosen the day my son died. I'm sure I will be sad for him and for his little brother who is almost 20 I am leaving. I will be semi abusing my xanax for sure. I will be excited because I believe I will be reunited with my son in my afterlife. I just can't wait to spirit hug him. My bro and mom know I plan to go so it isn't a surprise for them. My younger son most likely has questioned why I haven't done it yet all he heard for the first yr and a half was I want to die and he ran to my ex in laws. I've held on by a thinning thread for him. I want my decision to go to be looked at with she made this choice, thought it through, planned every tiny detail and was of sound mind and body to make this decision. I'm considering leaving some type of letter to discuss existing in such pain and how doctor assisted would be so much more humane. Once my family has done their grieving they may be able to share that letter somewhere to help with laws for doc assisted for those so beyond help it's more humane to help them on their journey. I'm about to go off on a long post so rather than reply to this thread and change it's direction I'm going to make a whole new post about doc assisted.

 

[HowSoonIsNow]

Oh, I definitely want to be calm. I've tried to ctb before during a desperate episode and it didn't worked at all, also, I didn't planned anything....I was out of my mind and praying to God to let it work. I want to be calm, wearing a pajamas and listening to my favorite song.

 

[WornOutLife]

Last month I tried to CTB (and obviously failed) and I was really calm. I took the pills, prepared the rope while I wrote some goodbye letters. It felt good to do that in a calm state of mind.

Desperation is dangerous. I'd rather avoid it.

 

[tidalwxves]

thank you for writing this. Very well said and I 100% agree with you.

As for me- I want to be calm. It will be a very emotional day as I've chosen the day my son died. I'm sure I will be sad for him and for his little brother who is almost 20 I am leaving. I will be semi abusing my xanax for sure. I will be excited because I believe I will be reunited with my son in my afterlife. I just can't wait to spirit hug him. My bro and mom know I plan to go so it isn't a surprise for them. My younger son most likely has questioned why I haven't done it yet all he heard for the first yr and a half was I want to die and he ran to my ex in laws. I've held on by a thinning thread for him. I want my decision to go to be looked at with she made this choice, thought it through, planned every tiny detail and was of sound mind and body to make this decision. I'm considering leaving some type of letter to discuss existing in such pain and how doctor assisted would be so much more humane. Once my family has done their grieving they may be able to share that letter somewhere to help with laws for doc assisted for those so beyond help it's more humane to help them on their journey. I'm about to go off on a long post so rather than reply to this thread and change it's direction I'm going to make a whole new post about doc assisted.

I'm so sorry to hear about the devastation caused by the loss of your son, that's a pain I can't imagine. I appreciate you sharing your story

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Ideally I would like to be calm and at peace with my decision to ctb. Instead I feel forced and the times my SI was lowest and I knew I could push through and do it was when I was in desperation and pushed over edge (sadly 1 thing or another prevented me). I worry I'll be stuck in limbo suffering unless I'm pushed over edge.

 

[peacefuldeath14]

If I was at peace , I wouldn't want to die. The will to live keeps me alive, and the pain is forcing me to die. It's like a battle between the two. But the pain is so chronic and shows no end in sight that in desperation it wins. So all 3 will be happening for me. The will to live, the desperation of suffering, and the peace of ending it.