Venting About to ctb, but many things stop me from doing it

[TheLonelyReaper]

Hi everyone , I am a 20 years old guy with a full time job that has literally ruined my life. I feel forced to stay there, it is a work that is a particular type of academic school too, and that makes it so stressful and full of rules. It's not for me, I would like to do other things even though I don't know what. Other than that, I talked many times to my parents about leaving this place, but I had violent reactions by my father and desperate ones from my mother. The only thing they care about is money, they thing that as long as i earn money and don't bother them, anything will be fine. But that's not the case, I have been contemplating to end it innumerable times, without a single real attempt though. The peak was reached in August, when I ordered SN through internet and unfortunately it didn't arrive. I have lost the totality of interest in humanity, I reject every human connection because I feel like they are all hypocritical and trivial in their behaviour. I lost my gf in April due to my mental situation, and my only 2 friends months before. I am so cooked that today I started venting to chat gpt, that's the situation. I feel completely numb towards my family, instead in the past I had that minimum of affection that linked me to them. I don't talk to them and I don't listen the voice of them from the 18 of August. Do I miss that? Not at all, my mind figures them out as the responsible of my miserable situation, my hate towards the world and peers, my despair and of the work I am locked in. I tried talking to a psychologist to, it lasted three months, but after a while I was tired of hearing always the same bullshit.
It might be true, I have to step towards other, change my mentality, but I felt firstly pleased by the path the therapy was taking, then I started thinking it was a total waste of time and money, without any progress that occurred in weeks despite the numerous appointments. Probably i am the reason of the lack of improvements, I just want to ctb and say farewell to this life, I think life is not for everybody, and we should stop saying things like: "It gets better" and etc. We are free to choose our fate, and hearing the same shitty advices makes me wanna puke every time.
Sorry for all that, don't judge my grammatical errors please, I am not even a native in English.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, I also see existing as not for me. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[TheLonelyReaper]

I understand just wanting to be gone, I also see existing as not for me. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thanks bro, hope we will come out of our struggles, in a way or another.

 

[needthebus]

what sort of school is it that you can't leave?

If you hate the school, the job will possibly be as equally awful.

Aren't there other alternatives?

Don't take this the wrong way, but this seems like a bad reason to commit suicide, and a good reason to get a career counselor, a life coach, and change the situation.

 

[FriesLovee]

It's like ur describing me almost . I can relate to you in a lot of ways . I'm just a bit older than you . My mom only wants to provide any type of help as long as I have a job . As soon as I don't she starts becoming violent and really mean . She gave me ptsd from her rages . I literally crawl into a ball every time she rages at me for leaving a job . Literally stuck in a hole I can't crawl out of . Only thing getting me out of that whole is SN . But you know nothing is harder than dying even if we want to die . Every other method scares me , even SN scares me . Also the fact that my mom has been holding back on my life really makes me wanna live because it's not fair someone else's actions have brought me into this. It's not only her fault and a lot of it is due to my mental illnesses but still .

 

[nails]

I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation. i hope you'll be able to be free and find your peace soon.
i know you're tired of the world and people, which i understand, but i'm here if you need to vent. i've had to vent to ai in the past, so i understand how that feels.

i'll be wishing you the best.
and i like your tokyo ghoul pfp. :)

 

[TheLonelyReaper]

what sort of school is it that you can't leave?

If you hate the school, the job will possibly be as equally awful.

Aren't there other alternatives?

Don't take this the wrong way, but this seems like a bad reason to commit suicide, and a good reason to get a career counselor, a life coach, and change the situation.

It's a military one, the fact that family forces me to stay there only for money is so painful

I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation. i hope you'll be able to be free and find your peace soon.
i know you're tired of the world and people, which i understand, but i'm here if you need to vent. i've had to vent to ai in the past, so i understand how that feels.

i'll be wishing you the best.
and i like your tokyo ghoul pfp. :)

Yes, thank you for your kind words...
In this moment I want just to be alone and leave this job, but I am in a limbo that causes much pain, because I am not sure if I will be able to find alternatives...
Such a shitty life.

 

[needthebus]

It's a military one, the fact that family forces me to stay there only for money is so painful

Yes, thank you for your kind words...
In this moment I want just to be alone and leave this job, but I am in a limbo that causes much pain, because I am not sure if I will be able to find alternatives...
Such a shitty life.

can't you be selfish and leave military school and just try to be happy somewhere?

if all the problems are from military school and your family, isn't there some other way? can you apply for jobs in secret while at the military school and leave immediately when you get something?

 

[TheLonelyReaper]

can't you be selfish and leave military school and just try to be happy somewhere?

if all the problems are from military school and your family, isn't there some other way? can you apply for jobs in secret while at the military school and leave immediately when you get something?

Yes but where I'd stay? Realistically it's impossible to get a well paid job from 0, I would have to pay rent and things like that