Do you think you suddenly know when it’s time?

[Givingupandgivingin]

I still go back and forth on making a final decision - mainly because I'm aware my 4 year old will initially be so upset. She says I'm her favourite person. It's only by default, she sees more of me than anyone else.
I believe she will get over it quickly and eventually won't remember me at all.
I increasingly have flashes of feeling ready, of feeling so hopeless that eternal nothingness really does seem the ideal. I know I have a couple of practical things to do, but not much. Really I could be gone tomorrow and it wouldn't make too much difference.
Will I just suddenly know when it's time? I just want to stop feeling so fucking sad all the time.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i don't know if you ever really "know", but i think you have a stronger feeling. that's why people have such a hard time getting over not knowing when to do it/if it's the right choice.
i always say that the option to CTB will always be there. it's usually better to stick around until you can't anymore/feel better about it because once you make that decision and complete that step, you can't really go back once you're gone.
hopefully that makes sense.

here if you need someone to talk to

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

i don't know if you ever really "know", but i think you have a stronger feeling. that's why people have such a hard time getting over not knowing when to do it/if it's the right choice.
i always say that the option to CTB will always be there. it's usually better to stick around until you can't anymore/feel better about it because once you make that decision and complete that step, you can't really go back once you're gone.
hopefully that makes sense.

here if you need someone to talk to

Thank you.
I just feel I'm out of any other options. Lockdown in the England again has made it worse, but in reality I've felt sad for a long long long time.
Any of the things that used to make me feel happy or safe don't anymore, they actually make me feel the opposite because they now make me feel nothing.
Most of the time things feel sinister, like I'm in a horror film and something dreadful is going to happen. It's been this way for a long time now and really I'm tired of fighting it.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

My brother did. One day it was just enough.

 

[Ardesevent]

I think you do. Old people always tell stories about how they know that they're going to experience the next great journey soon, because life has grown tiresome for them.
I hope you find peace.

 

[lonelymountaingirl]

I just want to stop feeling so fucking sad all the time.

This. A million times this.

 

[StuFin]

Tired - that's how I feel.

I end up feeling alright now, then I think about how will things be in 6 months, or 3 months, or a year if there's no jobs etc and no income.

Then I feel like ending it again.

I think I'm probably just going one day to think right, this is it, and do it. Like today - If I hadn't been drinking beer, this would probably be it.

But beer and SN doesn't mix so I'll still be here tomorrow.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, I think something shits and you don't feel scared or sad about it anymore.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

Who will look after your daughter when you're gone?

 

[Bauhaus]

Who will look after your daughter when you're gone?

I wondered too, do you have a (ex-)husband or boyfriend to take care of your girl ?

 

[Rn110bg101]

I don't know if you actually do feel ready one day or if you need to push yourself to it before your brain settles. I feel like I could never be ready and yet CTB is my only option (and my days are starting to be numbered)

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I have a husband.
Currently everything re the children is mine because I stupidly stayed home whilst my husband carried on working.
He's never done a single early morning get up. Changed a nappy. Got up in the night. Done bathtime. He's done two bedtimes with my daughter since she was born and she is nearly 5 now. He's never taken them on his own to the park, swimming, shops. He's taken my son to the cinema on his own twice. And my son is nearly 12.
Consequently the children are very much mine and my daughter cries if I leave her with my husband even for five minutes to go to the shop - which is about all it ever is. If I go out in the evening she has to be in bed before I go. Hence why he's only done bedtime twice in nearly 5 years. I have stopped away one night with a friend since my son was born and I had to fight for that. Initially I was not allowed to go.
In contrast my husband has continued playing golf all weekend, twice in the evenings in the summer and has had entire weeks away with friends abroad over the years.
It's my fault though. I stopped working when I had them and no I've no money on my own. I can't leave him because he can afford a much better solicitor than me and would maybe get the children. And I'd have nothing. I won't be able to afford to live.
It is my own fault. I know this. But that doesn't really help me.

 

[miserableforever]

I have a husband.
Currently everything re the children is mine because I stupidly stayed home whilst my husband carried on working.
He's never done a single early morning get up. Changed a nappy. Got up in the night. Done bathtime. He's done two bedtimes with my daughter since she was born and she is nearly 5 now. He's never taken them on his own to the park, swimming, shops. He's taken my son to the cinema on his own twice. And my son is nearly 12.
Consequently the children are very much mine and my daughter cries if I leave her with my husband even for five minutes to go to the shop - which is about all it ever is. If I go out in the evening she has to be in bed before I go. Hence why he's only done bedtime twice in nearly 5 years. I have stopped away one night with a friend since my son was born and I had to fight for that. Initially I was not allowed to go.
In contrast my husband has continued playing golf all weekend, twice in the evenings in the summer and has had entire weeks away with friends abroad over the years.
It's my fault though. I stopped working when I had them and no I've no money on my own. I can't leave him because he can afford a much better solicitor than me and would maybe get the children. And I'd have nothing. I won't be able to afford to live.
It is my own fault. I know this. But that doesn't really help me.

I have a child too. She's my life and I love her so so sooo much. I was still married when I had her. My husband was a terrible guy and I tried finding comfort elsewhere. No, I didn't cheat. My marriage was not a marriage. He dropped me off to be with strangers, hoping Id make money.
He stole all my life savings when I left and right now he's trying to take my kid from me, he's not even the father, but on birth certificate cause we were legally still connected. He knew I wanted out, and he's punishing me. My daughter is the only reason I'm fighting through this. I wish you well. I know how desperation feels like.

 

[Hurt]

I always want to do it impulsively. Can't set a date because maybe I won't feel suicidal that date.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, it will be time when the suicidal thoughts take over, and I can think about nothing but suicide. Any doubts will be gone. I think I will know when it is time.