Discussion Do you think you are in a suicidal point of no return?

[BlueberryDeer]

I just wonder if some suicidal persons like me achieve a state of mind that the only way to get rid of everything is suicide, and eventually do it despite any treatment, life circumstances and delay of the attempt.
Look, I have a moral compass that I didn't condemn suicide as "coward" or "just crazy persons" thing, since I'm suicidal myself and I had a serious attempt in december 2020. Since then, I battle against depression and suicidal thoughts. I think I am in peace with the idea of taking my own life, despite I have the regrets of hurting my brothers (Since both my parents passed away on 2020), or have some doubts of feeding the stats of another transgender person dying by suicide and then becoming another laughing and bigotry material.
So I am in a state of mind that I accept the real possibility of doing it, in a couple of weeks, or next year, at 40 years old, or whatever date in the future. Regret it? Maybe, I don't know, unconsciousness could happen quickly. And afterlife, whatever. The best scenario is a complete darkness. By my own current spiritual beliefs, I could reincarnate in any other person. And if the worst scenario of a literal hell because I didn't commit to Yahweh and his son, Jesus, whatever, at least I didn't make the life of a straight cis woman a hell pretending to be a christian male when I wasn't.
In some terms, I am "fine" in the sense I didn't feel in total despair, or having a severe depression. But I don't want to disclose anything to any psychiatrist or therapist. It's my personal secret between this forum and my diary. I am "fine" in the sense thatr I have a job (Still on 90 probation period), a house and a relative decent health, with obesity and some ocassional flu.
My problem is to find a purpose. And I don't talk about having a family, or pursuing the world peace or a Nobel prize, or leaving a legacy on the LGBT community as activist or intelectual. The fight for my identity keeps me lingering here a little, but coming out didn't resolve my emptiness. Sure, I could be open to a psychiatrist or a therapist and find a recovery, but still, I am near of 40 years old and besides my bachelor's degree in Literature I don't feel any satisfied with my life. Then, dying - Specially by suicide - is irrelevant for me and I don't see me in that situation of "I don't want to die!"
What is your situation? Do you feel that is irreversible your situation and you will take your own lives in any moment?

 

[whitetaildeer]

I don't see my situation as irreversible, if anything I'm more overwhelmed by how to get out of this. My entire life, I've tried becoming better, both mentally and as a person, without knowing what better even meant, or what it entailed. I still don't know what that is, and I strongly believe that not knowing has set me up to fail this whole time.

I've had to go through a long process of accepting that I'm disabled due to chronic illness, and I won't be able to live up to my own dreams and expectations. It's been as humbling as it is shameful and distressing. I was a conceited person who thought I could make it big if I just "tried hard enough" and "fought the chronic pain" somehow, and it's hard to let go of that vanity. Ironically, that approach made things much worse for me (I have fibromyalgia, it gets worse from stress, you can put two and two together how that went. I have a hard time even walking nowadays.) I have to find new dreams to live for, no shame in that, but right now? I'm having a very hard time letting go, because I find myself apathetic to every available option.

Also sidebar, but love the Lillia pfp.

 

[ZwartHartje]

For myself I've always seen it as inevitable eventually. I'm about to hit 40 myself, despite still identifying as a teenager somehow. I'm not transgender but I'm not really cis either, back in my actual teenage I lived as a trans man for a little while, I always wanted to be physically strong and worked out really hard, which only finally showed results after I started taking testosterone.
Only today when I was at the outdoor gym there was a guy there who told me he had just been getting back into it for about a year, he had realized that he'd gained a lot of weight and wanted to get back in shape to stay healthy since he was 50 now and was thinking what will be in 20 years from now.
I didn't say this to him, but to myself I was thinking, "in 20 years you'll be 70 then, OMG why would anyone ever want to go there?!"
Well, I know I don't. Even if my life wasn't completely f***ed up now because my non-human loved ones have been murdered by speciesist scum and I don't have any human family, and I'm longing to be reunited with all my beloved nutria kin. But even if that wasn't the case it would be about time for me. I don't think I've ever had clinical depression, but only a rational mind. Life is temporary, that's a fact, and I don't see why one would want to extend it as long as possible when there's subjectively very little to no quality of life left. I'm saying subjectively because I'm aware that there are lots of people who are for instance wheelchair-bound but still getting something out of their lives and willing to go on, and that's great. But my own lifestyle depends extremely on physical strength, plus I'm very reclusive and avoidant of any outside interference whatsoever, and I don't trust humans, I've learned well that they can't be trusted.

As for spiritual beliefs, I have always despised the Abrahamic god who has created Man, the hideous scourge of the Earth, in his own image and as the "crown" of his creation. I've despised him since my childhood and over the years I've only come to learn how right I've always been in it, even if not always for the right reasons back then. Humans are only one among the many species this Earth is home to, and they deem themselves to be something better than all other animals - or even an entirely different category, like "half-gods" or something ridiculous like that? - and to have the right to own the whole planet. I despise both humanity and their god.
I try to be on good terms with the demons and spirits of the Wilderness. I do believe that Consciousness is fundamental, that same source of life to all living beings. I hope my loved ones, who were nutrias, are awaiting me on the Other Side, along with my guardian demons and whatever other spirits I'm connected to.
Btw, I think the whole taboo against suicide stems very much from (in particular monotheistic) religion, because your life is supposed to be the "holy gift that god gave to you and such. I'm glad that my own faith has no such taboo.

 

[meiherasayuri]

I've reached that point, I've fallen too low, I don't know where I'll go after doing it and it terrifies me (that's why I haven't done it yet). I know I'll hurt a lot of people if I do it, but I don't see any other way out of this situation

I am at peace knowing that I will do it sooner or later; after all, there is nothing for me in this cruel and horrible world

 

[GT Darkarage]

For me too. 30s and I ruined everything. I'm sure things will not be better in a future.

Yes I fear death but I'm comfortable with suicide already. Like you said, for some reason I always felt like it was my destiny. I have been in all kind of situations. Including hiking volcanoes. Reached the top.

But now I'm a normal person, looking for a job. Studying. No bro I'm not meant to be that kind of person. I always loved to be free and I think suicide is the way, when you can't get your real free will.

This is a bit crazy.. I'm just venting too.

 

[HollowSoul]

Im stupid enough too still have some kind of hope...

What's making me suicidal right now its not having a job, having a job wont erase all my other problems but I know It will be a nice first step to make a change...

Problem is...its hard to have a permanent job and Im already on my 30s and feeling like a totally failure