Venting Do you think that if you had a partner you would not want ctb?

[Eren]

I feel really only in every way, I am completely useless to interact with others, I have no IRL friends and much less a partner.

In addition, for various reasons I cannot have a partner, which makes me brutally depressed, in fact it is one of my main reasons for CTB, although not the only one.

Does anyone feel the same?

 

[Hel]

Well, since I want to CTB exactly for this, for my broken heart and because it's forever and I'll never be with the person I love... Being with that person would be the cure for my suicidal mood. But i'll never have the chance, so I'm here and I don't have the guts to kill myself, I'm trapped here.

 

[Dawn0071111]

***raises hand**** Yup, thats what brought me here. IDGAF what the psycology world says. We are not meant to be and live alone. The consequnces of being so are brutal on the soul, and heart and mind of the human. IMO wanting to die due to disconnection, to not having love, a partner, beloning, community... family is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation......

huggz

 

[AbandonedStudio]

I had a partner not long ago. Even though he was nice, and distant sometimes, I still had the urge to ctb. I even tried to ctb one time when we were together. He broke up with me two days after my attempt.
Maybe it would be nice to have a loving partner in my final days, but It wouldn't change my mind about ctb.

 

[Eren]

***raises hand**** Yup, thats what brought me here. IDGAF what the psycology world says. We are not meant to be and live alone. The consequnces of being so are brutal on the soul, and heart and mind of the human. IMO wanting to die due to disconnection, to not having love, a partner, beloning, community... family is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation......

huggz

Yes... In my case it is not due to a sentimental breakup, that is, it is not for breaking up with a girl, but because for several reasons I feel completely disabled to have a girlfriend (sexual, emotional, among others), I feel really empty.

 

[Orin]

If i had a wife she could have:
1. cheated on me
2. gutted me financially via divorce
3. turned my kids against me
4. or maybe they weren't my kids after all

I know all of the above sounds terribly pessimistic but that's my "character flaw" i guess. I like to call it being risk averse.

So maybe if i had a partner i would have CTB'd a decade ago, who knows...

 

[Dawn0071111]

Yes... In my case it is not due to a sentimental breakup, that is, it is not for breaking up with a girl, but because for several reasons I feel completely disabled to have a girlfriend (sexual, emotional, among others), I feel really empty.

I see, and the pain is still the same... Wether we have loved and lost or wether we feel that we are incapable of having the love we desire... that we can see some flaw that makes us unlovable or unable to secure a partner. it is PAINFUL. I can't imagine a greater pain because all of us want to be happy and very few can be happy alone.....

 

[Robbyna]

I would like to think that if I'd had a good partner I wouldn't be suicidal. I do think companionship is necessary. In my case though my anxiety and depression is hereditary and it may have driven me to suicide anyway. Because of that sometimes I'm grateful not to have anyone in addition to my parents and siblings to hurt with my early passing. But then again maybe love would've kept it at bay. I'll never know.

 

[Subhuman]

I felt the same way most of my life, until my wish was granted and someone fell in love with me. It didn't change anything. I still had all my issues AND I had to deal with desperately trying not to hurt the man that adored me.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

***raises hand**** Yup, thats what brought me here. IDGAF what the psycology world says. We are not meant to be and live alone. The consequnces of being so are brutal on the soul, and heart and mind of the human. IMO wanting to die due to disconnection, to not having love, a partner, beloning, community... family is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation......

huggz

I agree with you. However, some would say if you love yourself and are happy by yourself then whether you have someone or not you're fine. I don't agree but this is what I've been told.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I agree with you. However, some would say if you love yourself and are happy by yourself then whether you have someone or not you're fine. I don't agree but this is what I've been told.

Yes, that is what we have all been told in this culture. I have been trying to figure out how to love myself since I was a teenager... I'm 40 now. Fuck it. Who are all these happy alone people? I'm sure there are those who chose not to have a partner.... thats great. I just don't even get the concept. Its sad... If I have issues with myself thats an open invitation for abuse.... Or at least I just dont have a bouncer at the door of the club... I dunno.....

If loving myself felt as good as someone else loving me i would do it in a heartbeat!!! i have always wondered why when i look in the mirror and say "I love you" it doesnt have the same impact as when someone else that I value does..

I'm so sick of the subject though... its a part of my trauma. I just want to die and say fuck it. If we are created supposedly for love: but then the very thing we are created for is also the hardest thing to cultivate, achieve, gain, share or whatever...then life is just designed all fucked up. I wish that love was a built in baseline, but no---- there has to be all kinds of fundamental brokenness..... I could be poor, I could be ugly, I could not have enought to eat, I would gladly exchange many of my first world priviledges to engage in real love on a daily basis. To me everythign else is bullshit, fame money, cars, name -brands.... nope. But I guess I'm broken and can't even do love, unless its toxic or dysfunctional... and after the trauma of last summer..... well, I'm never doing anything toxic/pathological ever again . So its either get healed and find that elusive "self-love" inner happiness, "a relationship is optional because I love myself and my life soo /much.." level or die.

 

[Eren]

Yes, that is what we have all been told in this culture. I have been trying to figure out how to love myself since I was a teenager... I'm 40 now. Fuck it. Who are all these happy alone people? I'm sure there are those who chose not to have a partner.... thats great. I just don't even get the concept. Its sad... If I have issues with myself thats an open invitation for abuse.... Or at least I just dont have a bouncer at the door of the club... I dunno.....

If loving myself felt as good as someone else loving me i would do it in a heartbeat!!! i have always wondered why when i look in the mirror and say "I love you" it doesnt have the same impact as when someone else that I value does..

I'm so sick of the subject though... its a part of my trauma. I just want to die and say fuck it. If we are created supposedly for love: but then the very thing we are created for is also the hardest thing to cultivate, achieve, gain, share or whatever...then life is just designed all fucked up. I wish that love was a built in baseline, but no---- there has to be all kinds of fundamental brokenness..... I could be poor, I could be ugly, I could not have enought to eat, I would gladly exchange many of my first world priviledges to engage in real love on a daily basis. To me everythign else is bullshit, fame money, cars, name -brands.... nope. But I guess I'm broken and can't even do love, unless its toxic or dysfunctional... and after the trauma of last summer..... well, I'm never doing anything toxic/pathological ever again . So its either get healed and find that elusive "self-love" inner happiness, "a relationship is optional because I love myself and my life soo /much.." level or die.

I understand you, I've also heard a lot about being happy being alone and I don't understand it either, I think they say that phrase because they don't know what to say to cheer you up.

 

[Alchemist]

Yes, that is what we have all been told in this culture. I have been trying to figure out how to love myself since I was a teenager... I'm 40 now. Fuck it. Who are all these happy alone people? I'm sure there are those who chose not to have a partner.... thats great. I just don't even get the concept. Its sad... If I have issues with myself thats an open invitation for abuse.... Or at least I just dont have a bouncer at the door of the club... I dunno.....

If loving myself felt as good as someone else loving me i would do it in a heartbeat!!! i have always wondered why when i look in the mirror and say "I love you" it doesnt have the same impact as when someone else that I value does..

I'm so sick of the subject though... its a part of my trauma. I just want to die and say fuck it. If we are created supposedly for love: but then the very thing we are created for is also the hardest thing to cultivate, achieve, gain, share or whatever...then life is just designed all fucked up. I wish that love was a built in baseline, but no---- there has to be all kinds of fundamental brokenness..... I could be poor, I could be ugly, I could not have enought to eat, I would gladly exchange many of my first world priviledges to engage in real love on a daily basis. To me everythign else is bullshit, fame money, cars, name -brands.... nope. But I guess I'm broken and can't even do love, unless its toxic or dysfunctional... and after the trauma of last summer..... well, I'm never doing anything toxic/pathological ever again . So its either get healed and find that elusive "self-love" inner happiness, "a relationship is optional because I love myself and my life soo /much.." level or die.

Story of my life. It's usual "I can get a job without experience and I can't get experience without a job". How will I love myself if I have never even experimented what love feels like. I only have a probably very distorted idea of it and surely that's impossible to get.

 

[Smashingairwaves]

I'm in a relationship and I still want to kill myself

 

[coma-baby]

I'm engaged. I'm in the happiest relationship I've ever been in. And I still want to CTB every single day. The problem is something inside of me and I don't know how to start mending it.
Don't bank all of your happiness on a relationship. It could be a good start to feeling better, but if you still hate yourself and have no hope, you'll just end up dragging your partner down too.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

Right now, I lack both purpose and partner. My darker thoughts were triggered two months ago when I girl that I liked rejected me and I felt quite useless after the effort to get close to her. But to be honest, that rejection help me see and go against much deeper problem that I carried with me. It shattered the illusions that gave me false comfort. Right now, I am at a crossroad I would either go up stronger or down under the dirt.

To answer the question, an actual partner would likely help me a lot by giving me comfort going through the day of working something I don't like, for money just to cover my expenses and not being able to chase the "dream". An intimate partner gives you different kind of support than friends and family.

 

[Eren]

An intimate partner gives you different kind of support than friends and family.

completely agree

 

[sad_frog]

I have a good partner. One who's been with me for 6 years. I love him dearly. He has helped me so much with depression and anxiety. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today without him. Even with the perfect partner my feelings of emptiness is still there, manifesting in anything I'm not satisfied with. Depression will always be depression even with loving people on your side.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I have a good partner. One who's been with me for 6 years. I love him dearly. He has helped me so much with depression and anxiety. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today without him. Even with the perfect partner my feelings of emptiness is still there, manifesting in anything I'm not satisfied with. Depression will always be depression even with loving people on your side.

Couldn't agree (or relate) more.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Personally for me no. But I can definitely see how I could get a lot of meaning and value into my life if I was married/had a GF.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I have a good partner. One who's been with me for 6 years. I love him dearly. He has helped me so much with depression and anxiety. I honestly don't think I'd be alive today without him. Even with the perfect partner my feelings of emptiness is still there, manifesting in anything I'm not satisfied with. Depression will always be depression even with loving people on your side.

If you don't mind me asking, have you found the reason behind your depression? Because If you are healthy with loving people around you than you could be able to overcome it.

 

[sad_frog]

If you don't mind me asking, have you found the reason behind your depression? Because If you are healthy with loving people around you than you could be able to overcome it.

Well, you asked for it. I was diagnosed with MDD and anxiety when I was young.. I was considered a problem child because I had dyslexia and my father fucked me up...Molested me and left me in the care of my disabled mother after his parents repeatedly got more and more child support taken away until We had less to live on than 20,000 a year (he never even paid child support tbh) She has MS and it has been ripping away at her for 26 years until nothing was left her but anger. I would take care of her but if I messed up or did not act right she would tell me that I'm worthless. We had to move in with my gma and my mom and gma would always fight, putting me in the middle. They were so petty that if I were to talk to either of them during one of their fights they would accuse me of being a traitor. Then my mom was also kind to me and I would be confused. She'd say things like, "oh youre a way better daughter than your sister" (My sister got out of there as soon as she turned 18. I was 10 at the time.) I held on to her because everyone else in my life had disappeared. After my nearly successful attempted I started doing more hardcore treatments like Electroconvulsive therapy, and repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation. These things didn't seem to help but made things worse. My boyfriend was doing research online and found that I sounded very similar to BPD, which when I told to my doc he was 100% in agreement. So past trauma haunts me, the belief that I'm a worthless, mooching, piece of shit will always be with me
AND LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, depression is hereditary and everyone in my family has it. They just deal with it either with cocaine or alcohol because they aren't a "special snowflake" who relies on medication.
So here I am, escaped my family(kinda), living with the man of my dreams, working on my dreams and I'm still miserable... Oh God...Im... still miserable........

 

[oopswronglife]

A partner can only, at best, be an additive to a good life...not the cause of one. Sure the shared burden can be enough to get past the practical difficulties but after thats settled its clear thats not enough. I know its angering to hear because its used so much as motivational bullshit...but if you cannot live within yourself, nobody else is going to change that. Plenty of people with great partners and family ctb. But people who have decided this is the cure to all their ills never seem to listen. Only experience teaches them...and then not always. My family marries over and over like its a competition in some futile chase for happiness. They don't get that it starts with them.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

Well, you asked for it. I was diagnosed with MDD and anxiety when I was young.. I was considered a problem child because I had dyslexia and my father fucked me up...Molested me and left me in the care of my disabled mother after his parents repeatedly got more and more child support taken away until We had less to live on than 20,000 a year (he never even paid child support tbh) She has MS and it has been ripping away at her for 26 years until nothing was left her but anger. I would take care of her but if I messed up or did not act right she would tell me that I'm worthless. We had to move in with my gma and my mom and gma would always fight, putting me in the middle. They were so petty that if I were to talk to either of them during one of their fights they would accuse me of being a traitor. Then my mom was also kind to me and I would be confused. She'd say things like, "oh youre a way better daughter than your sister" (My sister got out of there as soon as she turned 18. I was 10 at the time.) I held on to her because everyone else in my life had disappeared. After my nearly successful attempted I started doing more hardcore treatments like Electroconvulsive therapy, and repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation. These things didn't seem to help but made things worse. My boyfriend was doing research online and found that I sounded very similar to BPD, which when I told to my doc he was 100% in agreement. So past trauma haunts me, the belief that I'm a worthless, mooching, piece of shit will always be with me
AND LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, depression is hereditary and everyone in my family has it. They just deal with it either with cocaine or alcohol because they aren't a "special snowflake" who relies on medication.
So here I am, escaped my family(kinda), living with the man of my dreams, working on my dreams and I'm still miserable... Oh God...Im... still miserable........

I feel you. I am in a bad spot for similar reasons although for a lot lesser amount that you had. Which is a sign for how strong you actually are. IMO being unable as children to filter out the negative energy coming towards us, in a way we let it repeat for years in our heads. Doesn't matter how true or not If you believe it. I personally ended doubting myself since being a child and that still haunts me. In a way I need constant reinsurance of being ""important" or the doubts creep in. The fear rejection in recent times withholds me from finding a serious partner. It's hard, bottom line I have to compensate 10-15 years of Self Doubt with the opposite energy in order to find Balance which is ... difficult

You are not worthless. You have people that care for you, lifes which you affected and will continue to do. You even help me with your story although I don't know you. So please, Believe it - You are not worthless. And your family and past stories doesn't hold you with actual real chains. What holds you back its thoughts that you bring with you and relive everyday. You could change that - the negative trend. You could overcome depression, the later is not bound to you. You could be happy, have kids with your boy and teach them differently, better ways and they would continue to do so with their children because of you. But this starts now, while reading these lines and implanting the idea in you that change is possible. Go to sleep with a smile on your face.

 

[BipolarExpat]

A partner can only, at best, be an additive to a good life...not the cause of one. Sure the shared burden can be enough to get past the practical difficulties but after thats settled its clear thats not enough. I know its angering to hear because its used so much as motivational bullshit...but if you cannot live within yourself, nobody else is going to change that. Plenty of people with great partners and family ctb. But people who have decided this is the cure to all their ills never seem to listen.

Wow! ^ So well put.

It's certainly a major challenge for well-meaning, generally happy, supportive & understanding/emphatic partners to face up to the eventual (often inevitable) fact that....they're not enough.

To not take that personally is nigh on impossible.

 

[sad_frog]

I feel you. I am in a bad spot for similar reasons although for a lot lesser amount that you had. Which is a sign for how strong you actually are. IMO being unable as children to filter out the negative energy coming towards us, in a way we let it repeat for years in our heads. Doesn't matter how true or not If you believe it. I personally ended doubting myself since being a child and that still haunts me. In a way I need constant reinsurance of being ""important" or the doubts creep in. The fear rejection in recent times withholds me from finding a serious partner. It's hard, bottom line I have to compensate 10-15 years of Self Doubt with the opposite energy in order to find Balance which is ... difficult

You are not worthless. You have people that care for you, lifes which you affected and will continue to do. You even help me with your story although I don't know you. So please, Believe it - You are not worthless. And your family and past stories doesn't hold you with actual real chains. What holds you back its thoughts that you bring with you and relive everyday. You could change that - the negative trend. You could overcome depression, the later is not bound to you. You could be happy, have kids with your boy and teach them differently, better ways and they would continue to do so with their children because of you. But this starts now, while reading these lines and implanting the idea in you that change is possible. Go to sleep with a smile on your face.

Thank you so much... I really needed this. Today I was having strong doubts in my head about my worth...That I don't deserve to be here because I feel as though I try and try and try, each time harder than the last, yet nothing is good enough for the warped expectation I've put on myself. Connecting with you made me feel a lot better and understood. Helped me understand why I was even feeling so low today. Thank you so much, friend, I hope you too can go to sleep with a smile on your face tonight. :)

 

[Sunset Limited]

I'm in love with a woman I can never be with. If I could live with her, everything I hated would be fun. I wish time would stop looking at her face. I know it'il never happen. My life was never under my control. It's like I watched my own life on the big screen. I've always been very emotional. I've always lost.

Translated by Holy Google

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I have a partner...he is truly the best thing to ever happen to me.
But, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts.
So for me, yes i still want to CTB, even with a partner

 

[Baskol1]

I dont have a partner, im still single and gay. But sometimes i wish i had one, but that will never happen because of my anxiety, and autism.

 

[Read123456788]

Think it depends, Before my man passed away definitely not I was so so happy I cannot put into words but now all I think about is ctb and even if I was in another relationship it would probably make me ctb even quicker haha. X

I dont have a partner, im still single and gay. But sometimes i wish i had one, but that will never happen because of my anxiety, and autism.

No one is perfect! Never say never, people can do far worse than you @Baskol1