KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,797
It feels so frustrating, because I've been in the system for years. Only in the past couple of years is when I actively stopped engaging with psychiatry and psychology services because it was doing me more harm than good- me even stating that fact will be interpreted as 'lack of insight' into my condition I'm sure. Not once did anything I was offered help me with my PTSD and the after effects of being neglected and abused throughout childhood, and adulthood.
I've tried pretty much every drug out there, including psychedelics, nootropics, etc too. I've read books, people's advice online, run the gamut of potential things you can do, but if anything I'm worse off than before I started. The only thing that ever gave me relief was MDMA for about 20 minutes and then it was gone. Whenever I look up information about this problem online, since I have no one to talk to about it, I always come across the same condescending posts like the ones below, expressing the same sentiment over and over that one "chooses" to feel bad and isn't "putting in the work to heal."
Whenever I read the posts in these "healing and recovery" communities it feels more like a cult rather than anything scientifically sound, they just dress up the toxicity in overly saccharine guru language. When someone is not helped by therapy, they do nothing but lambast and shame them, and insinuate the person isn't trying enough and doesn't want "healing." The way I've been treated by others due to having PTSD is a large contributor to my suicidality, and has made me unable to trust people and makes me feel like I'm living in Kafka's metamorphosis.
I remember when I got on the carousel of psych interventions as a young child, how every time I'd be assigned to a new therapist, they just did not know what to do with me. I always needed a specialist, and a "higher level of care", but these things simply did not exist. Even when I became an adult and started living in cities, it was always, oh, we'll refer you to an expert on trauma, don't worry. Wait, there aren't any, deary me, sorry! With the limited information we have at our disposal right now, due to limited advancements in scientific progress, I think you'd be pressed to find any research groups that can claim to understand how PTSD and trauma sustained from early childhood development work on a neural level, or how we can reverse it.
I'm convinced that many of these so called trauma experts online are just taking advantage of vulnerable people too and milking their money, selling them hope rather than solutions. In my own journey with all of this, so to speak, I noticed that many people can eloquently output insight into the condition, i.e. you want xyz because abc happened to you as a child, but they cannot peddle a single solution. It's all analysis into one's behaviours and ruminating over the past, or tenuous theories, but no real treatments. At most, "coping mechanisms" which do little to repair the ruinous state your life is in. Half of the time you can tell the people lecturing you and saying you don't wanna do the work, and how they're so healed now, are still incredibly mentally unstable and aren't being helped by the therapy they are spending hundreds per week on.
All I've heard over and over again, is that you need to "process" the trauma. The human mind operates using a variety of sophisticated biochemical networks and pathways, many of which have solidified into adulthood and cannot be moulded further without a chemical/epigenetic trigger, telling someone some nebulous bs like, "just process the trauma bro" is not only so vague that it doesn't mean anything, but shows a serious lack of understanding into how complicated the brain is. When you have developed around abuse, you cannot simply will yourself to be normal. This field is full of scammers and victim blamers, and I'm tired of people pretending it isn't.
At this point in my life, I sincerely do not believe, with the technology and scientific advancements that we have now which I am well acquainted with due to having a degree in this subject too (this could change in 30 years, but by then it would be too late for me) that certain people like myself can get over the effects of childhood abuse or ever live normal, happy lives. The notion of something like this being fixable in 100% of cases goes against all the evidence I've been shown, time and time again. So why do people act like we are choosing to be suicidal and miserable?
I've tried pretty much every drug out there, including psychedelics, nootropics, etc too. I've read books, people's advice online, run the gamut of potential things you can do, but if anything I'm worse off than before I started. The only thing that ever gave me relief was MDMA for about 20 minutes and then it was gone. Whenever I look up information about this problem online, since I have no one to talk to about it, I always come across the same condescending posts like the ones below, expressing the same sentiment over and over that one "chooses" to feel bad and isn't "putting in the work to heal."
Whenever I read the posts in these "healing and recovery" communities it feels more like a cult rather than anything scientifically sound, they just dress up the toxicity in overly saccharine guru language. When someone is not helped by therapy, they do nothing but lambast and shame them, and insinuate the person isn't trying enough and doesn't want "healing." The way I've been treated by others due to having PTSD is a large contributor to my suicidality, and has made me unable to trust people and makes me feel like I'm living in Kafka's metamorphosis.
I remember when I got on the carousel of psych interventions as a young child, how every time I'd be assigned to a new therapist, they just did not know what to do with me. I always needed a specialist, and a "higher level of care", but these things simply did not exist. Even when I became an adult and started living in cities, it was always, oh, we'll refer you to an expert on trauma, don't worry. Wait, there aren't any, deary me, sorry! With the limited information we have at our disposal right now, due to limited advancements in scientific progress, I think you'd be pressed to find any research groups that can claim to understand how PTSD and trauma sustained from early childhood development work on a neural level, or how we can reverse it.
I'm convinced that many of these so called trauma experts online are just taking advantage of vulnerable people too and milking their money, selling them hope rather than solutions. In my own journey with all of this, so to speak, I noticed that many people can eloquently output insight into the condition, i.e. you want xyz because abc happened to you as a child, but they cannot peddle a single solution. It's all analysis into one's behaviours and ruminating over the past, or tenuous theories, but no real treatments. At most, "coping mechanisms" which do little to repair the ruinous state your life is in. Half of the time you can tell the people lecturing you and saying you don't wanna do the work, and how they're so healed now, are still incredibly mentally unstable and aren't being helped by the therapy they are spending hundreds per week on.
All I've heard over and over again, is that you need to "process" the trauma. The human mind operates using a variety of sophisticated biochemical networks and pathways, many of which have solidified into adulthood and cannot be moulded further without a chemical/epigenetic trigger, telling someone some nebulous bs like, "just process the trauma bro" is not only so vague that it doesn't mean anything, but shows a serious lack of understanding into how complicated the brain is. When you have developed around abuse, you cannot simply will yourself to be normal. This field is full of scammers and victim blamers, and I'm tired of people pretending it isn't.
At this point in my life, I sincerely do not believe, with the technology and scientific advancements that we have now which I am well acquainted with due to having a degree in this subject too (this could change in 30 years, but by then it would be too late for me) that certain people like myself can get over the effects of childhood abuse or ever live normal, happy lives. The notion of something like this being fixable in 100% of cases goes against all the evidence I've been shown, time and time again. So why do people act like we are choosing to be suicidal and miserable?
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