Do you theoretically wish someone could view your SaSu content?

[AnimusLapsus]

If there were no repercussions nor questions asked, would you want a person of your choice to read your page (friend, lover, therapist)? Personally, I crave the idea of emotional vindication and vulnerability by way of sharing my innermost psyche, but the fear of hospitalization dissuades me. It's not that I necessarily crave validation or pity; I want my suffering to be instantiated through words and understood by others. I think it would explain and legitimize my behavior, not to mention relieve the burdensome dead weight of psychological suppression. There is great value in wearing my heart on my screen, but infrequent, anonymous venting/socialization does not suffice. We, being social creatures, require sufficient human contact to fulfill our psychosocial needs. Online forums unfortunately don't possess the complexity of natural human dynamism to complete the necessary criteria for communal and emotional satisfaction. I am lonesome beyond measure, but the support that I seek doesn't necessarily exist in person: suicidality is an uncomfortable taboo, and peers of my age range simply cannot empathize, envision, or rationalize my experiences enough to relate or offer sympathy. Ultimately, our perspective is hampered by the breadth of our experience, and the lack thereof amongst my friends impairs their ability to comprehend the complexity and depth of otherworldly suffering. What do you think?

Also, it's important to emphasize that finding a real world companion with which one can be candid is not an impossibility. For me specifically, it is simply an improbability. There are fundamental roadblocks and impediments in my personal life that prevent me from bridging this gap with someone face to face.

It is the ultimate catch-22.

 

[IndictEvolution]

I'm quite open about it all irl, have been passionately pro-choice for years now. Would even find ways to bring up anti-life subjects with people I worked with because the worst that could happen in my mind is I would lose my job over it (which I didn't really need anyways as I can easily NEET as I am doing now), and also I've been ready to die/okay with dying for a few years now, so I feel no pressure to suppress myself. I worked with special needs kids, and was able to get a lot of people to agree with things like "people should have to get a license to procreate" etc. In reality I think nobody should ever procreate, but I tend to think most people will just have a kneejerk negative reaction to that idea so I usually softball them a bit.

 

[Holu]

I've had two irl friends read my stuff actually! The thing is they were both fucking equally as suicidal and insane. I miss those idiots :(.

It did feel validating in a way, and it kinda sucks I have nobody really really close I can talk to about pro-choice stuff.

But I'd never really tell family though, since that is a catch-22. I'd get fucked over so fast and placed into a ward.

 

[Forever Sleep]

More in terms of post CTB, I sort of do in a way. I probably do want people to know my history. Where ideation began for me and why. Some sort of know but I don't think they realise how bad it was or felt at least and how deeply it affected me. I suppose suicide is the most profound act to suggest something really messed you up in life.

Maybe there is a hope that some will be curious enough to want to know why. I also simultaneously don't like how narcissistic that is though. So, it's weird. I fluctuate between wanting to not exist and be forgotten about and hoping people will be interested.

I think there's a weird retribution thing going on for me though. Not that I'd want actual retribution on a person. There is a person though that initiated this 'journey' for me. At the time though, the whole situation went from being my supposed fault to then, us both being guilty. I'm not wholly innocent but, they were absolutely the instigator. Life was hell for me during that period. I suppose people just knowing/ acknowleding that would somehow help. Not that that will ever happen. I think you have to live an experience to really understand it. Plus, even my own perception of it now may be exaggerated.

I suppose in other ways though, it upsets me to think peoole might find 'me' here post CTB and feel like they could have done more. I've bitched about losing friendships etc. but really, that's been as much on me losing contact. Plus, by it's nature, on this place we tend to dump our vents and complaints. It doesn't exactly represent well the things I felt grateful for. I have been grateful for lots of people in life. I've been grateful to people who gave me work. I'd hate for the people I have been grateful of to not realise it.

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

No, my parents are too old, don't wanna burden them anymore. My irl friends are already dismissive of me, they will only have more reasons to ignore me if they see this, I do have a close SaSu friend, maybe she reads thru some of my stuffs. No lover, but I do have a sister, but no, not her. She has too much stuff on her plate already. So no, don't wanna add anyone else to the rooster.

 

[AnimusLapsus]

More in terms of post CTB, I sort of do in a way. I probably do want people to know my history. Where ideation began for me and why. Some sort of know but I don't think they realise how bad it was or felt at least and how deeply it affected me. I suppose suicide is the most profound act to suggest something really messed you up in life.

Maybe there is a hope that some will be curious enough to want to know why. I also simultaneously don't like how narcissistic that is though. So, it's weird. I fluctuate between wanting to not exist and be forgotten about and hoping people will be interested.

I think there's a weird retribution thing going on for me though. Not that I'd want actual retribution on a person. There is a person though that initiated this 'journey' for me. At the time though, the whole situation went from being my supposed fault to then, us both being guilty. I'm not wholly innocent but, they were absolutely the instigator. Life was hell for me during that period. I suppose people just knowing/ acknowleding that would somehow help. Not that that will ever happen. I think you have to live an experience to really understand it. Plus, even my own perception of it now may be exaggerated.

I suppose in other ways though, it upsets me to think peoole might find 'me' here post CTB and feel like they could have done more. I've bitched about losing friendships etc. but really, that's been as much on me losing contact. Plus, by it's nature, on this place we tend to dump our vents and complaints. It doesn't exactly represent well the things I felt grateful for. I have been grateful for lots of people in life. I've been grateful to people who gave me work. I'd hate for the people I have been grateful of to not realise it.

I've also considered this. However, I fear that it would frame my death as something symbolic, conducted to impart a message or exact revenge as opposed to resolve suffering. I concur with the narcissism sentiment—don't want it to be a vengeful attraction of attention. Furthermore, it may be torturous to the individual who reads through my posts, knowing that I was being eaten alive while putting a smile on my face for the masses. I don't want to put someone through that kind of guilt. I suppose it depends on their level of emotional intelligence and ability to contextualize their position, noninvolvement, and lack of power in my predicament. If I were to send it to someone post-ctb, I would have to be confident in their confidence that they are not at fault.

 

[HollowDrop]

I have a bad tendency to avoid telling my friends what I go through so I actually wouldn't mind if some of them for some reason read my posts here to maybe try and understand why I'm always fucked up. But I'm not about to push my suicidal ideation on those for who it would be all too much to handle. I have a friend who is a firm believer that suicide is wrong on multiple levels and would probably be extremely against this site.
My family though, not in a million years. My brothers are surprisingly protective of me and I don't want them to be burdened any more than they already are by my worthless ass.

 

[milkcarton]

I kind of did, when I joined this forum. I thought I was "better" but I was still pretty suicidal but didn't necessarily want to die. I wantrd people to understand understand the distress I was under. There is no way I could talk about this stuff. But I don't want anyone I know to view my content anymore. This is my only safe place.

If I do end up ctb, I definitely hope no one I know finds these. I don't think it will help anyone, if they do.

 

[LostLily]

I'm mixed on this topic because I want me to understand my psyche and feelings but I'm afraid of worrying other people.

 

[Kbeau]

If there were no repercussions nor questions asked, would you want a person of your choice to read your page (friend, lover, therapist)? Personally, I crave the idea of emotional vindication and vulnerability by way of sharing my innermost psyche, but the fear of hospitalization dissuades me. It's not that I necessarily crave validation or pity; I want my suffering to be instantiated through words and understood by others. I think it would explain and legitimize my behavior, not to mention relieve the burdensome dead weight of psychological suppression. There is great value in wearing my heart on my screen, but infrequent, anonymous venting/socialization does not suffice. We, being social creatures, require sufficient human contact to fulfill our psychosocial needs. Online forums unfortunately don't possess the complexity of natural human dynamism to complete the necessary criteria for communal and emotional satisfaction. I am lonesome beyond measure, but the support that I seek doesn't necessarily exist in person: suicidality is an uncomfortable taboo, and peers of my age range simply cannot empathize, envision, or rationalize my experiences enough to relate or offer sympathy. Ultimately, our perspective is hampered by the breadth of our experience, and the lack thereof amongst my friends impairs their ability to comprehend the complexity and depth of otherworldly suffering. What do you think?

Also, it's important to emphasize that finding a real world companion with which one can be candid is not an impossibility. For me specifically, it is simply an improbability. There are fundamental roadblocks and impediments in my personal life that prevent me from bridging this gap with someone face to face.

It is the ultimate catch-22.

Nope

 

[bankai]

Never.I don't trust anyone in real life. In fact, I have a saying about people. But I haven't told anyone what the saying is.

 

[milkteacrown]

I wanted to automatically say "absolutely not," but I think I could give someone good perspective into the person I am by showing them my SaSu posts. This is a "default" side of me that others don't see because I hide it for a more pleasant persona. I don't enjoy venting, but I feel as though I might consider showing someone my posts.

 

[JesiBel]

I don't think there's anything new they could discover about me, they would probably be offended, as in real life, by my pro-choice stance. They can read the entire forum and still remain stuck in their own ideas/beliefs without trying to understand other people. I would never mention the existence of this site to them, to keep it safe. I guess if they don't bother to understand you while you're alive, they'll do even less when you're dead.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Nope. This is my special compartment. Cant go around telling people you want to kill yourself.

 

[Forveleth]

When I was 15, I told my parents I was suicidal and their response was "it gets better" instead of sending me to therapy. I have told my current partner to his face that I do not want to live anymore and he has said nothing. Meaningful people in my life already know and apparently they just do not give a shit so them seeing my posts here would probably not change that.

Also, I really do not feel the need for external validation from anyone. It is nice to know that someone thinks along the same lines as me or understands where I am coming from, but I do not feel the need to seek that out.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

No. The person closest to me knows I'm having trouble, but I don't think they're aware of the full extent of it. And everyone else thinks I'm doing alright. Maybe my therapist so they could know how bad my problems have gotten since I can't bring myself to admit it, but I don't want to be thrown into a psych ward either. At this point, I just want to CTB before anyone notices, and they can read the note I've written for closure.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Postmortem maybe. That way it could be clearer just how long I've been struggling like this, and how even though the pain can go away for a bit, it always comes back.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

"I'm singing this song
But it's about you
Whoever else is listening
It's only about you
See there's just one story
And everyone's the star
And it goes like this
No one will ever love you
For everything you are
And so you build up layers of deception
And you leave out things to alter the perceptions
Of the ones you love
Who would never love you back
If they knew all about you
Every solitary fact
And the sadness of your life
Is built upon this lie
Of really knowing anyone
Or having them know you
It's the sadness of the world
There's nothing left to do
And so just go to sleep
Just let the hours pass
Sleep it all away
None of it will last
Soon it's all over
You're under clover
And none of it matters anymore"

 

[Graham.N]

I use my name. If someone I know finds my postings here, they know how to find me, and they can talk to me. I'm not going to walk around in the physical world and tell people everyday how I want to die, and that this world is too confusing and twisted. I'm not going to tell people how the world has sucked all the joy out of me and that things I once enjoyed doing now cause me to feel physically ill and feel pain. These experiences serve as constant and consistent reminders. I think about what could change these feelings and experiences. More money? The out come is the same. Outward my life would appear great to others. "Why are you so depressed" they would ask. "You have nice things". "I wish I had nice things" some would say. Status in society. Others might say "you are important" or "you work with or know (insert name here)". The out come is still the same for me. It makes me want to retreat, go into hiding. To me being recognized everywhere I go doesn't sound enjoyable at all. I make too many mistakes as is, and the last thing I would want is to be treated differently just because of who I am, who I know, or what I might be able to do. To be recognized constantly would only make it harder for me to enjoy my life. Love always feels like the answer, but I doubt my ability to be a good partner. I also feel that by seeking out love as the solution is wrong. I need to be happy first.

I think back to a time in my life not too long ago. I didn't have any friends and I was working a minimum wage job. Life was simple. I had a place I could call my own. The only thing I wanted at that time was someone else in my life that was consistent. Online friends and communities help, and I had that, but having people physically there is preferable.

But as life goes on you begin to learn more about yourself and the world. And that is where I am now. The world began to take away that joy from me. The joy that can be experienced by having people in your life can be taken away in an instant. And when people leave from your life, and are still alive, the pain is unmatched. "What did I do wrong" or "what changed"? Unfortunately, if they died, it would be easier for me to process because they are gone. It doesn't change what was done, or what happened, and on another side it can be worse. I look at myself and my situation. I feel the pain I am in, and the way others cherish me, I would rather them know that the reason I am gone is that I found freedom from my suffering.

Back in those days, I would spend afternoons in my garage, painting, sitting with the DoorDash app on, waiting for orders. When a good order would come up I'd take it, come back home and continue painting. Again it was simple. I never sold any of my art, but I found a way to make money I. The meantime. I was responsible for my own happiness and no one else was responsible for my happiness. It was perfect. I had my vices, but who doesn't.

Things have changed a lot since then. I've moved twice. Had a few different jobs. Started making a bit more money. Got the car I wanted back then, but instead of the emptiness filling, the void began to feel bigger. The duality though is the glass is still half full. Make it make sense. And don't twist my words either. I am grateful. I am just reflecting on the past, present, and future. Seeking happiness and evaluating and reevaluating those decisions, actions, and choices.

So to answer the question again if someone that knows me could view my content, they should immediately know it me. I am being as transparent as I can. I could be more transparent, but I don't want to go back to the hospital. If I could afford to pay the hospital bill in full upon discharge and not tap into my to cover my expenses while I am away, I would go get my self admitted. Until then I will withhold other identifiers. I am not going into debt again as this will make things much worse and make me more motivated to jump ship.

 

[FoxSauce]

Not really...cuz im not used to expressing how I really feel

And moslty I just complain a lot who wants to read that
Plus I don't want anyone of my family to read this, this space for me, I don't anyone else judging me of what I write. (Ofc if its offensive go on ahead)

I rather do it here anonymously, I much rather my sisters see this.

Cuz they have been supporting me as much as they can , they dont judge me or tell me solutions they just listen.

 

[Alek1=]

If there were no repercussions nor questions asked, would you want a person of your choice to read your page (friend, lover, therapist)? Personally, I crave the idea of emotional vindication and vulnerability by way of sharing my innermost psyche, but the fear of hospitalization dissuades me. It's not that I necessarily crave validation or pity; I want my suffering to be instantiated through words and understood by others. I think it would explain and legitimize my behavior, not to mention relieve the burdensome dead weight of psychological suppression. There is great value in wearing my heart on my screen, but infrequent, anonymous venting/socialization does not suffice. We, being social creatures, require sufficient human contact to fulfill our psychosocial needs. Online forums unfortunately don't possess the complexity of natural human dynamism to complete the necessary criteria for communal and emotional satisfaction. I am lonesome beyond measure, but the support that I seek doesn't necessarily exist in person: suicidality is an uncomfortable taboo, and peers of my age range simply cannot empathize, envision, or rationalize my experiences enough to relate or offer sympathy. Ultimately, our perspective is hampered by the breadth of our experience, and the lack thereof amongst my friends impairs their ability to comprehend the complexity and depth of otherworldly suffering. What do you think?

Also, it's important to emphasize that finding a real world companion with which one can be candid is not an impossibility. For me specifically, it is simply an improbability. There are fundamental roadblocks and impediments in my personal life that prevent me from bridging this gap with someone face to face.

It is the ultimate catch-22.

Kinda, I can't be that honest with anyone. Even If I could the words just get stuck in my throat as I try to speak. Writing it, especially when I know noone knows who I am, is much simpler.