Do you pretend you are fine?

[Dr. Finklestein]

Exact same boat. I already feel enough like a burden that I don't want to add the level of hopelessness I feel on top of that.

agreed, don't want to upset what few loved ones I have in my life.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

All the time, I usually serve as a support for several friends who suffer for various reasons, and I don't want to be yet another reason for them to worry. I feel that at times I can't keep up appearances very well, but no one has ever seemed concerned enough to come and ask me anything.

 

[Maormer]

I always pretend i am doing ok but i wish i wouldnt. I know i have people who love and care about me and i honestly really do want to tell them im not ok but its like instinct at this point. I spent so long hiding the fact i was doing poorly that i dont know how to turn it off. When i see my family i smile and laugh and joke with them even though inside im screaming at myself to just say something or to let them see that im not ok. I want so desperately to say "im not ok" when im asked how im doing but i just cant. i remember how worried everyone was when i attempted as a kid, how devastated it made people around me. I just can't bring myself to make them remember that and to bring them back to those days. Its better if i keep it to myself so that i dont draw out their pain or give them a chance to blame themselves

 

[BRAINWORMS]

For the most part yes. I don't let my partner or best friends know the full extent of my mental health struggles. I don't let my family know at all. I don't want them to worry. My partner and friends I struggle to fully keep the mask on around. I cry as soon as they hug me.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yes.

 

[RadiantNumber]

Yes I try to hide it but I feel I cannot take this anymore

 

[galaxid]

Idk if anyone else feels like this, but having to fake being okay makes me angry. I don't want to live an inauthentic life, even in small doses. I don't like having to wait and delay these conversations; I want to be selfish.

Unfortunately I can only bitch about things so much before being around me is simply too much to bear. Rather than push everyone away, I want the last memories my partner and friends have to be good ones. And in the off chance I choose to not ctb, at least I haven't blown up my life in the interim.

 

[lana_xyc]

Yeah. I hate feeling like a burden, especially since people have shown me time and time again they don't want me around unless I'm putting on a performance of happiness and stability.

 

[TornReality]

I'm a very secluded person.
My typical answer to people asking me how I am is "I'm good".
I speak to a therapist weekly, and even she get's the typical response, "I'm doing ok.".
I don't speak of my thoughts to anyone, or tell of my wish to just not wake up one day.

 

[vitbar]

Used to, still do to an extent. My depression got so bad I couldn't hide it. Lying that I was just tired became an obvious lie. I'm more open since, even though I'm doing a lot better. Not like ranting, or super detailed. I'll tell people the depression is kicking my arse, or that the anxiety has been bad etc. I still lowball it to avoid people worrying too much. Can't be bothered to hide it more than this.

 

[Custos]

I don't want to upset people, so I pretend.

 

[sanctioman]

I told somebody and then regretted it because they don't understand. But at least it might mentally/ emotionally prepare them.

 

[galaxid]

Yeah. I hate feeling like a burden, especially since people have shown me time and time again they don't want me around unless I'm putting on a performance of happiness and stability.

The thing that kills me about it (pun intended) is that there's this huge disconnect between suffering and support. Like, people always talk about how they wish they would have known etc after someone ctb's. But the raw truth is an ugly thing and in reality, most people don't know how to handle someone even mildly depressed. Most people don't even know how to TRY. It's almost like google doesn't exist. Why read up on suicidality to support someone you love, when you can just pretend there's nothing more you can do?

I've heard it from my partner a lot. They 'don't know what to say'. Friends of mine sit there in silence when I talk about how terrible I feel, how horrific my very existence seems to be. I mean yeah, they definitely feel super mega 'bad' for me, but their minds evidently go blank, like I've blindsided them with shit that they've known about for ages. They're just stunned.

It pisses me off a lot. I don't struggle to support my friends. I feel like I put a lot of effort into hearing them out, sharing what I think about their situation or offer advice, if I can. I try to focus on the good shit they've got going on, because I know what it feels like to get static after I pour my heart out. It feels like I'm being emotionally abandoned by everyone who claims to love me. But when I tell them how empty their platitudes are, I'm met with 'well what do you expect me to say?' So, why bother talking at all, when I can say it to myself instead?

The most stable, productive people I know, people who actually love me, are stunned to silence the second I talk about anything that makes them uncomfortable. 'Your parents are dead? Oh that's so sad, I'm so sorry... ANYWAY...'

Rather than aim to support us properly, they'd prefer to pretend it's okay that they have 'nothing to say'. Then our loved ones pat themselves on the back for a job well done. After all, they did and said absolutely nothing, but at least I'm not crying anymore. Gold star. A+.

The logic behind this BS doesn't change the end result. We earn pure, pointed isolation for bothering to beg for help. But honestly, talking to a brick wall is a lot easier than being forced to watch someone you love sit there and say nothing in response to the most impassioned misery they've ever had to listen to. I would rather stew in my silence. Turns out they cannot save me. They don't even know where to start.

 

[lana_xyc]

I've heard it from my partner a lot. They 'don't know what to say'. Friends of mine sit there in silence when I talk about how terrible I feel, how horrific my very existence seems to be. I mean yeah, they definitely feel super mega 'bad' for me, but their minds evidently go blank, like I've blindsided them with shit that they've known about for ages. They're just stunned.

It pisses me off a lot. I don't struggle to support my friends. I feel like I put a lot of effort into hearing them out, sharing what I think about their situation or offer advice, if I can. I try to focus on the good shit they've got going on, because I know what it feels like to get static after I pour my heart out. It feels like I'm being emotionally abandoned by everyone who claims to love me. But when I tell them how empty their platitudes are, I'm met with 'well what do you expect me to say?' So, why bother talking at all, when I can say it to myself instead?

Oh my God, this post is EXACTLY how I feel put into words. I've told friends before numerous times that I don't really see a future for myself or I can't see myself past the age of 30 and they'll just, like, stare for a bit and be like, "that's so sad," then the conversation topic changes. They probably think I'm joking, most likely. The funniest thing is these people ALSO have mental illnesses so it's just so jarring that they react like that. When one of my friends says something to me that even gives off the energy they aren't in a good space, I try to figure out what's wrong and actually hear them out, not just be dismissive or play it off as a joke.

I hate when my one friend even asks me, "how are you?" because in the past when I've actually vented to her and opened up, I received generic responses of her attempting to console me. When she asks now, I just pretend everything's fine and never go into detail about anything pertaining to my feelings. When I needed the help, no one was there. I'm fine with "suffering in silence" if it means not getting half-assed sympathy texts. I've had friends in the past who felt superiority over me because there was always something wrong with me or happening to me, and they would use me as a point of comparison to be like, "hey, at least I'm not doing that bad." They never voiced it but I could tell.

People think they're mental health advocates, but if they deem someone as TOO "mentally unstable," they get uncomfortable. I know that depression is rough for people regardless of whether they're able to hide it or not, but not being able to hide it has caused so much strife for me. I feel like I always just seem, like, sad and pessimistic to most people. I'm not the socially digestible "depressed" person if that makes sense?

I wish I could put on a front and present happiness for people, but unfortunately, it is literally not possible for me to do that. I'm naturally a sensitive person and everything I feel is super evident in my facial expressions and demeanor. It sucks. I've had people be like, "what's wrong?" and I thought I was making a neutral face lmao.

 

[citrusrope]

Sometimes I accidentally let it slip, like a "testing the waters" type deal and I will say how I am not fine. It is very very funny though because every single time, the only responses I've gotten thus far is them straight up blaming me for feeling this way, or dismissing me. So it's kind of like a I fuckin' knew it! kinda thing, where I knew nobody gave a fuck about me in a way that would be worth anything. I think it is seriously true that people either don't care enough or they're very awkward when being faced with a mentally ill person (though I suppose I can't blame them for that honestly.)

 

[_Maya]

Depends who i talk to, most of the time i do lie just to not burden people, or have them pester me trying to make me feel "better." And in some bad cases, having them gossip and make everything worse.
But certain people know i'm not okay, mainly friends i've met off sasu.

 

[MelancholicMercury]

I've heard it from my partner a lot. They 'don't know what to say'. Friends of mine sit there in silence when I talk about how terrible I feel, how horrific my very existence seems to be. I mean yeah, they definitely feel super mega 'bad' for me, but their minds evidently go blank, like I've blindsided them with shit that they've known about for ages. They're just stunned.

I agree with your whole reply. as someone who does the same thing ( never knows what to say or how to help ) is there anything you would recommend? It's hard for me to help others, when I can't help myself. I don't know how I would help myself so there is no knowledge that can be applied to helping people I care about. what should I do?

how could I help someone as hopeless as I am? I would want comfort and reassurance, even though I know there's none to be given. they like to say "I'm just glad you're here" but that doesn't mean I've fixed anything... It tends to boil down to waiting it out until they feel better, and I just feel guilty for being useless. I expect to be helped even when I'm horrible at helping others. a terrible person I am. I truly wish I wasn't so mindless

I hate when my one friend even asks me, "how are you?" because in the past when I've actually vented to her and opened up, I received generic responses of her attempting to console me.

It's so sweet when people check up on you. but I too have an underlying hatred for it, knowing I can't be honest about how I feel anyway. I've made walls upon walls of text about this paradox. I don't want people to ask, because I don't see why I should willingly choose to burden people with my feelings that they won't know how to handle. why do that?


but, to answer the OP; everyone does this. this is a natural occurrence! people need to do it for work all the time, mainly. everyone has their experience being an "actor". I do it in select communities. with my closest friends, I'm fine with being open, but still try to limit myself so as to not add onto my abandonment issues by pushing anyone away

I think pretending; suppression of all these feelings, doesn't have to be bad. what's important is having someone you don't need to pretend with, is all. there will always be moments where you can't be 100% you. that's kind of just society now. built around catering and sugar coating~ which is OK, in some regard. I support gentleness and being kind to one another, but.

 

[J&L383]

All the time.
Im now an oscar - worthy actor for my performance in putting on a happy face, despite the fact that Im dying inside.

Yes, unfortunately true that the vast majority of people have a shocking lack of empathy, especially those who are supposed to be your friends and family.

"And the winner is . . . " . (Not to make light of it, I'd be in the category as well.)

 

[galaxid]

I agree with your whole reply. as someone who does the same thing ( never knows what to say or how to help ) is there anything you would recommend? It's hard for me to help others, when I can't help myself. I don't know how I would help myself so there is no knowledge that can be applied to helping people I care about. what should I do?

how could I help someone as hopeless as I am? I would want comfort and reassurance, even though I know there's none to be given. they like to say "I'm just glad you're here" but that doesn't fix anything... It tends to boil down to waiting it out until they feel better, and I just feel guilty for being useless. I expect to be helped even when I'm horrible at helping others. a terrible person I am. I truly wish I wasn't so mindless

I understand! Being paralyzed by someone's despair / situation has me feeling helpless and useless, even when I know I'm not able to hear them out. And that happens a lot, because I can't be there for everyone all the time. Especially not now!

I regularly remind myself that my friends' problems aren't my own. We might have similar circumstances, but we all have different backgrounds, perspectives, and experiences. Those differences are key, because what doesn't help you might really benefit them. You might say something they've never considered before, and vice versa! But to do that effectively, you have to build trust by opening up and setting boundaries.

My friend and I usually preface our rants with 'can I talk to you about something that's really bothering me. Its about xyz and not you.' or something to that effect. It's so we can support one another without putting our mental health at risk. This is not only a reasonable thing to do, its also crucial! Because:

You cannot fix their problems. If you could, you'd fix your own, too.

The goal isn't to fix things, its to make sure your friends feel heard! You can't force them to change their mind. Especially as a peer, especially if you're in the same situation. You're not handing down solutions or anything, you're talking about shared pain. (Took me a while to get that one, and I still mess up sometimes. Case in point!)

Check out peer support groups, even if you can't go to a meeting. They usually have rules in place to foster a safe space where people can share how they feel without fear of judgement. It helped me feel less anxious about offering support because I saw it in action. If you can attend a group, its usually not a requirement to share details about your life. You can just sit back and listen.

But specifics! Some suggestions:

• Offer to listen.
• Tell them the things you appreciate about them and the friendship you've fostered.
• Let them vent if they need to.
• Ask if they need to be distracted / if they need space.
• Suggest a call if you think it'll help and won't put undue pressure on you. If its too much, don't mention it.
• Set clear boundaries so you guys can support one another without triggering a spiral.
• Reflect back that you understand by validating their experiences and asking for clarification if you need to.
• Think about their problems as separate from your own, even if your circumstances are the same.

Stuff to watch out for:

• Don't make promises you can't keep / manage expectations. (An example of this: If you're worried about being flaky because you know you might bail on a hangout, tell them exactly that. You don't want them to think you're flaking on them if you can't do the thing. Maybe they're feeling the same pressure. Now you're on the same page, even if you never get around to hanging out.)
• Don't push too much.
• Don't blame yourself if they don't respond the way you hope.
• Don't ignore your own well being.
• Make sure you stick to your boundaries-- if someone continuously crosses them for any reason, even unthinkingly, take a step or two back. Toxicity isn't always intentional, but the affect on you is the same.

That's what I try to do. And I talk a big game about supporting the people I love, but I've got plenty of glaring personality flaws that make me a pretty crappy confidante. I may or may not be compensating for being so bad at interpersonal relationships. :')

I hope this makes sense!

 

[dead dav]

Used to be good at hiding things but can't do it anymore