Discussion Do you plan on writing a note?

[compositionheart]

I wasn't going to, but i have recently, but i think this was more for me for reflective purposes and why i would justify CTB and see if my feelings on it change over time.

I think that i would just leave a note with my burial wishes.

My ex CTB a few years back, i found her and she had left a basic note, written on a black board. The police took a note of it, but even a month later, her mother had no idea of it's existence, she found out the content of the note from me. So i wouln't even be confident any such note would make it to the people I intended it for, unless i posted / e-mailed it to them. Or if they personally found me, and i really don't want that to happen.

I know that many people do not leave a note, sometimes people are in such a dark place, that they just don't care or it's a CTB done on impulse.

 

[peace_van]

Interesting prospect. I've also considered incorporating a poem into my letter if I do write one. If you don't mind me asking, what poem do you speak of using?

DM'd you

 

[Boudika]

I was planning. But honestly? I'm too tired for that

 

[toofargone6969]

I've written individual notes to all my loved ones (5 people) but I think I'll rewrite them because that was back in April. I'm also writing an informal will and gotten stuff in order like passwords to accounts and stuff so its easier for them. I made sure to make my partner the beneficiary on my accounts so my parents don't try anything against my wishes. I've been spending the last few days going through my laptop and phone photos and deleting anything that would scar my poor parents. Just trying to leave everything nice and tidy. I want to make it as easy on them as it can because I'm messy and have a lot of stuff unfortunately. My will will also have instructions for how I wish to be cremated and where to spread my ashes. Things are a bit easier on me now that my beloved dog has passed and I won't have to leave her to my family which would have been unfair to her and them. I saw her out of this world and now its time to take my leave too. Getting everything tidied up feels surreal.

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

I plan on writing a note. Or even notes. Letters, possibly.

I just want to leave behind some reassurance for the people I still have some semblance of care for that it wasn't their fault, and that they shouldn't blame themselves. Sure, there are a lot of things I hate about this world, but not everything and I just don't want to leave everyone else miserable wondering what they'd done to push me over the edge when it likely wasn't the fault of the people wondering this.

See, a lot of people are tempted to blame themselves or wonder where they've not done enough or something, and I want to make sure they know it's not about something they did or didn't do. I don't want to add to the suffering.

I also hope to inform people of my experiences so that maybe in the future things are done better. Maybe, just maybe after I die people around me will finally think "yeah, we really need to do something about this" and maybe it'd motivate them to push society towards change. Because I know that my own self-advocation efforts were not enough. I need something to actually rock the boat and shock people because doing things peacefully just isn't cutting it.

And, also, I find a lot of people still have this inexplicable loathing to cats. There is a cat that used to be a part of my life, that probably will never get my message because I believe she died long before now, but I still want to act as proof of how cats can help people. Because she's one of the few reasons why I've made it this far, one of the few sources of emotional support in my life. I just hope maybe if I send a message that's harder to ignore, people will learn to respect cats more because so many STILL insist that cats are these callous, dumb creatures that kill for fun and do more bad than good.

I've TRIED advocating for them where I could without rocking the boat, but it's just not changing things, and since a part of me's planning to ctb anyway if I do, I might as well use it to try and push for a change again as much as I'm gonna use it to finally get some peace.

Also, I have online rp partners I wish to leave something for because they've also really helped. But unfortunately, no matter how much comfort they've given me, so far, it doesn't feel enough to keep me out of desiring ctb. Hence, if I do leave the world, I want to make sure they know they did what they could, that I enjoyed my time with them to whatever extent that I could, and that I wish them luck in their endeavors.

I know my attempts to change things even through this might not pan out the way I want to. I know it might get ignored, or maybe someone will twist it and even make things worse, but I want to try one last time. So hence... I think I'll leave notes, yes.

 

[ghostkid]

Yes. I would probably write multiple. One for my parents/family. One for my cousin who is the only one who slightly knows that i'm suicidal and my best friends would get one too. I don't want to do just a single one because my parents would probably keep it and i want my friends to have a personal one too.
I just don't want anyone to blame themselves. I want them to know that it's not their fault, that there is nothing they could have done to 'save' me or anything. I would also thank them for every second they made my life a little better and that I'm sorry to leave them this way.

I hope I have the strength to write it. Because I might just do it impulsively. I'll probably send them a goodbye whatsapp text then.

Or I'm just gone without a single word. Maybe they'll use my diaries to find answers or sth.

 

[アホペンギン]

Yeah, I plan to write a note. It'll say: GOODBYE!

(I'm unsure as to what I would write in the note and I do want to leave the reason why I ctb a mystery, it'll hurt them more.)

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

No, there'll be no one to read it, nothing left of existence.

 

[Unattainable666]

No. I have no family or anyone who will give a shit that I'm gone so it would be a waste of time.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Dunno. I think it would be good to write a note but I don't know what I want to write. I guess in the end it's a very short one or nothing at all.

 

[Kerrtu]

I just want to be sure to mail a few packages out to my sister. I've got gifts for my nieces and nephew, and cards. I've always loved to send them gifts.

If I don't mail them out before I go, I have this sense the items won't ever get to them ie if/when my apartment is cleared out, which it mostly is at this point.

I want to make sure my sister gets our great grandmother's engagement ring, and I've got this really nice hat for my eldest niece, from when Patricia Underwood collaborated with J.Crew - I know she's going to love it, we've discussed the hat before

There's a turquoise ring which belonged to my uncle Kenny who died before I was born. He was about 19 when he died - heroin overdose (accidental). I'm in limbo as to who to send it to, who will really appreciate it.

The idea of the apartment being sloppily raided after I'm gone kind of grosses me out. I don't forsee any police on the scene being particularly sensitive to any letters I'd want to leave. I imagine them laughing really.

I'll be using snail mail

 

[Seered Doom]

I plan on writing one only to specific people. Otherwise, no. Let me disappear without a trace and see how many people give a shit

 

[dwtsleepy123]

yep i've already written my note, i just havent decided if i want to change it. I cant chose between finally being brutally honest, or wanting to spare the people around me from more hurt. If i was a better person, i would probably write that they did their best and that it was all my fault. But the truth is i did try to get help, to get better, but they all chose to turn a blind eye or outright dismiss me. For once in my life i kind of just want to be selfish.

 

[Larysa]

I just want to be sure to mail a few packages out to my sister. I've got gifts for my nieces and nephew, and cards. I've always loved to send them gifts.

If I don't mail them out before I go, I have this sense the items won't ever get to them ie if/when my apartment is cleared out, which it mostly is at this point.

I want to make sure my sister gets our great grandmother's engagement ring, and I've got this really nice hat for my eldest niece, from when Patricia Underwood collaborated with J.Crew - I know she's going to love it, we've discussed the hat before

There's a turquoise ring which belonged to my uncle Kenny who died before I was born. He was about 19 when he died - heroin overdose (accidental). I'm in limbo as to who to send it to, who will really appreciate it.

The idea of the apartment being sloppily raided after I'm gone kind of grosses me out. I don't forsee any police on the scene being particularly sensitive to any letters I'd want to leave. I imagine them laughing really.

I'll be using snail mail

I am beginning to feel like we were may be separated at birth, @Kerrtu…?

I am a (self-anointed) queen of care packages. Plus I love cards and mail so much

I scammed my seriously toxic cousin out of my maternal grandmother's engagement ring, using a dishwasher, a bin bag and sheer deception It is one of my proudest moments. Poirot himself would be impressed. It was left to my mum in GM's will but we are the other side of the planet so shenanigans occurred. Not on my fucking watch, haha.

My only real worry after ctb is my nephews.

I always love your posts, I am now off to Google Patricia Underwood vs J Crew. I do regret not shopping the hell out of Kate Moss' Top Shop collection. Sigh.

 

[peelingbananas]

The act of writing a note is viewed to be "standard procedure" in the act of committing suicide. However, only a minority of those who commit suicide actually leave a note behind. Do you personally plan on leaving one? Why or why not? I've been thinking about this a bit more recently and I think I'm in the note camp if it ever comes to it. I don't want to leave my family guessing as to why I did what I did and I think that it will ultimately help them come to terms with my decision and accept it for what it is. That's my thinking anyways. What about you?

if it came down to it, probably. i choke on tears imagining people that care about me stressing over if it was their fault, and i have said some things in arguments that - if i ever decided to ctb - would lead to those thoughts.

 

[hevlalab]

I always had thoughts about the things I would say in my note, how I would write one section dedicated to my family and another to my friends. Eventually one night I lost my head and caved in to writing it only for it to be found by my dad the next morning. That was a difficult conversation

 

[Larysa]

On rereading, I was too glib, apologies, @Kerrtu.

I am sorry about your uncle and appreciate your wanting to find a suitable home for his ring. Jesus, that's so young.

I also appreciate your concerns about your home, and about possessions/letters being respected.

Reading this I have realised that apart from my grandmother's ring I have nothing I am concerned about. And, this is a little painful, no one who would give a stuff about that ring. When I make a will I will leave it back to my horrible (and tbf damaged) cousin.

Going back to the original topic, I have nothing to say and no one to say it to. I was thinking of printing out emails from my GP surgery saying they have no help for me and suggesting I go to a charity (who were no help).

My nephews I do worry about as I read that any suicide in a family (or close to a person) had an impact on their own suicide risk.

My sister, to use a phrase my dad used generally (not about her) "wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire". I have no words for her that I didn't say a long time ago, to no response .

 

[Borderline]

I'm going to write a letter to my friend and send it to her in the mail.

 

[porcupinetree]

I do, and only for my mom, because she is the only one I can think of that would be distressed over it. I would probably just explain why I did it and nothing else

 

[bubblingwaterz]

Yes!! I plan on writing quite a bit of them… for my 2 best friends, a very good friend of mine, my parents, my cousin, grandmas, my brother, my sweet nephew and adorable niece.
It'll be quite troublesome but they're worth the effort…
Some of them are really emotionally dependent of me for some reason so I will try my best to put extra care on them. I love all of them very dearly but I also love myself very much and I cannot let myself live like this much longer.
I feel like notes, letters where you put your final thoughts for the specific person will help them find their peace of mind in this realm where you left them… Not that anyone HAS to explain their actions to anyone ofc, I'll do this simply because I want to. :]

 

[Kerock]

Yeah mostly a thank you to my friends, sis, and mom. And a fuck you to my dad.

 

[waRmblanket]

i plan on writing many notes. i have one for each of my family members, one overall why, how to feed the dogs (to mine and their standards lol, love my healthy dogs!), one to my shitty doctor who never helped me, and some to sasu friends.

there's too much appreciation for so many to leave without a personal thank you.

 

[pinemarten]

Being honest I don't think I'll write one but I like the point others have made about reassuring others they are not to blame.

Mainly I don't think I'll write one because I wonder if a person can leave a note that really leaves more answers than it does questions. Are there people who will read our suicide notes who will be left thinking "ah well, that settles it"? I can't imagine that. I think anyone close enough to warrant being left a note and who cares enough to read one will always be left wanting more. I'm not convinced that I can write a note that adequately describes how I feel inside my head after a lifetime of years, experiences and interactions in such a way that the person reading it will agree with, or understand, my decision. It's hard enough to feel understood in life, much less in death when you are unable to add anything more.

Another reason I have against leaving a note is a pet peeve of mine where people seem to have a habit of assigning great importance to whatever nuggets of information they have about you, even if they are misinterpreting the information. People can't know what they don't know, and so what little they do know to them becomes everything. For your whole life you are an island inside your own head and what other people get to know of you is what you choose to show them and what you choose to tell them. What to you is a throwaway line in your suicide note, is to the person reading it the last ever piece of information they will ever hear from you. To them that throwaway piece of info grows arms and legs and they are forever left wondering its meaning, interpreting whether it applies to X situation or Y person.

To me, total ambiguity can seem cleaner than someone misinterpreting my motivations via a note. Although what should it matter to me if I am dead I guess.

 

[timetodie24]

Torn on this. My family know I've attempted before so it's not like they need explain that I was suicidal or suffering. I don't have any wishes- funerals are for the people left behind not the dead really so they can do what they want. I don't really have anything valuable to live in a will.
I guess the main thing would be some words of comfort and making sure they don't blame themselves as for me none of it's to do with family. But I just don't know how ti find the right words as anything I write doesn't seem enough or right. Like I would want them to know it wasn't impulsive, it was planned and it was what I really wanted. Which to me makes it better- them knowing it was my choice and im at peace with that. But im worried that would actually be worse for my parents as they're very pro life. Like they might find comfort in thinking that deep down I wanted to live for them and for a future, that I just couldn't cope and my emotions took over. I know for most people here that actually sounds worse but idk for them I feel like thinking I had some happiness left and enjoyed time with them might feel better ? not sure that makes any sense

sorry I'm rambling here.