Help Do you have dating tips for dating when you have a mental illness?

[fixitinpost]

New ad campaign: Get ghosted 3 times and get a free "ghost latte or shake of your choice in a decorative halloween ghost themed thermal cup". It would be an interesting social experiment if nothing else.

And thus began the formation of Caffeine Addicts Anonymous.

So I said to him that I can get cheap sex easily on Tinder and why would I bother having it with him. This is my line I am happiest about!!! That I don't need him to love me, but I do need basic care and consideration. That if he likes me he needs to take me a proper date with no sex and be nice to me. And if all he wants is cheap sex he should let me know so I can decide if I want that or not, and that he should stop bullshitting me. I received no answer to any of that.

I know I am well out of all of this, just feeling a bit raw. It could have been worse, but it is still quite upsetting to be used and manipulated by someone I actually liked but I see now he is a pathological liar and also has so many issues with his illness, it is impossible to know him, and also it is not worth me seeing someone that is not into me.

Well put. That situation was just gonna get more and more toxic for you.

 

[Imaginos]

I was talking about euthanasia - because otherwise, we are just torturing humans with this horrific mental suffering.

I am 100 per cent in favour of human euthanasia, by choice and consent if possible, and if not, by professional assessment of quality of life and level of suffering.

There are many whom are alive that would, by nearly every conceivable measurement, be better off dead. I should know of course, since I'm one of them. However, society's fixation on the "sanctity of life" leads to the constant creation and perpetuation of absolutely needless kinds of suffering, where no path to recovery or treatment is even possible. Yes, yes, there's the old slippery slope argument that revolves around going too far in the euthanization of those forever beyond any kind of help, but, at the very least, the option should be there for those with the capability to make the decision for themselves. Here's the bottom line either way. Those that kill themselves make society, and life in general, look bad. This is as heinous a crime as they come. The majority need to maintain their rosy image of life at all costs, even if it means fundamentally curtailing the rights, freedoms and wishes of others when it comes to deciding what to do with their own bodies. Schopenhauer said it best.

May it not be this—that the voluntary surrender of life is a bad compliment for him who said that all things were very good? If this is so, it offers another instance of the crass optimism of these religions,—denouncing suicide to escape being denounced by it. Arthur Schopenhauer - On Suicide

As far as I'm concerned though, I guess you could say I occupy a rather "extreme" position wherein I do sincerely believe that people like me ought to have been executed as infants. If it could be demonstrably proven that one's quality of life will always be at an abysmally low level, then that person ought to be executed as soon as possible. No exceptions. We let those who wish to cling to their miserable lives persist on, leaving someone like me lost in the lurch, who would've otherwise been saved decades of excruciating experience of my existence had I actually been euthanized as a baby. This society is fucking insane. We let people with crippling disabilities go on to breed and create more people who will suffer with the exact same disabilities simply so as to salve their own frail egos, while at the same time we deny a means of painless death to those who suffer with chronic illnesses or who are otherwise so utterly mentally incapable (such as the ones you mentioned pulling their hair out or mutilating their own bodies on a daily basis) that it would be much more preferable to simply execute them and spare them the horror of their predicament any longer.

 

[quicksand]

"Hey, I'm super needy and mentally ill. My mental problems have kept me from achieving anything of importance. What's your favorite band?"

You can suffer from a mental illness and not project it when on a date. An illness isn't a personality. Being yourself does work as long as there is more to you than an illness--which, honestly, should apply to 99.999% of the population.

All of us, even on this forum, have our own interests. Each person with a custom profile picture obviously likes that thing, for example. That's what it means to be yourself. You can talk about what interests you, talk about stuff you've experienced, talk about literally anything to do with yourself outside of what you talk to the doctor about.

 

[Brokenanddeadinside]

I've gone through a lot of relationships ones that really hurt and changed me in the past, it took many failed relationships to finally find someone I can relate too and are compatible with which is important. We both make it work with both of us having mental illness by working through our issues together and communicating. You can go through a lot of bad relationships till you find the one just try not to let the bad ones change you for the worse because it almost happened to me.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You can suffer from a mental illness and not project it when on a date. An illness isn't a personality. Being yourself does work as long as there is more to you than an illness--which, honestly, should apply to 99.999% of the population.

All of us, even on this forum, have our own interests. Each person with a custom profile picture obviously likes that thing, for example. That's what it means to be yourself. You can talk about what interests you, talk about stuff you've experienced, talk about literally anything to do with yourself outside of what you talk to the doctor about.

"Hey, I'm super needy and mentally ill. My mental problems have kept me from achieving anything of importance. Who's your favourite Naruto character?"

 

[Makko]

You can suffer from a mental illness and not project it when on a date. An illness isn't a personality. Being yourself does work as long as there is more to you than an illness--which, honestly, should apply to 99.999% of the population.

All of us, even on this forum, have our own interests. Each person with a custom profile picture obviously likes that thing, for example. That's what it means to be yourself. You can talk about what interests you, talk about stuff you've experienced, talk about literally anything to do with yourself outside of what you talk to the doctor about.

Your figure is oddly optimistic. Past a certain point, illness, physical or mental, can easily consume your whole life. It slowly and surely displaces your "personality" until your whole life, your private thoughts and feelings, are all about your illness and there's no room for anything else. Your "interests" will all be about coping with the illness. Your "experiences" will all be about enduring the illness.

This is particularly insidious with mental illness because it's invisible and it's largely impossible to communicate to other people what the big deal is. Other people don't see the monster that has swallowed you and is slowly digesting you. But to you, the only thing you see is the inside of the monster's gut and the only thing you feel is the acid melting you.

 

[LittleJem]

I just watched a documentary about a psychopath (I think to cheer me up after this dating experience). He will be released from prison because he killed his little sister as a 13-year-old (it was a bit like the book 'We Need to Talk about Kevin' but in real life). If only there was euthanasia, this guy should have it. The fear is that when he is released he will strike again, probably his mother and little brother. The psychologists in the programme clearly said that psychopaths don't change, they are always psychopaths. Also, he had no capacity for example to feel love.

I empathise with this - I have felt some love in my life, but in general, I feel numb and disconnected which I think is some autism in my case.

I've got nothing against dating with mental illness - ideally, any or all of us could find some happiness and it could hopefully be possible to navigate it in a relationship. However, other than one long-term relationship, my relationship history in general has not been the most fun. The man I loved the most was just using me (he actually wrote that to me in a letter!), and was really volatile and angry. Not violent at least, but volatile. It hurt to love him and it hurt when it ended. The fact that he used me when I was clearly so ill and vulnerable and how much I loved him - I am pretty disgusted by it. When I really needed him, when I was really ill, just to meet me, he refused. I would rather just have one night things than be hurt like that ever again.

Other relationships - my best ones are when I am on drugs, as that is when I feel better. Mainly weed. I can enjoy someone's company sometimes when I'm on weed.

My relationship history in general has not been the most fun - and that is the fault of my mental illness, that my life isn't fun because of my mental illness, my days aren't fun, and it's just enduring them. In my marriage, I didn't realise just how ill I was and I inflicted a lot of suffering on my ex-husband because I was ill and angry and didn't understand I was ill. I feel so much shame about it.

Someone else next to me - does it cheer me up? Not usually, if I'm really ill it doesn't help. If I'm feeling suicidal which has been most days in a year most years, then I don't really want to put another human being through my suffering alongside me. It doesn't help me and it is no fun for them.

If this guy was into me, I would have found a way to deal with his mood swings and behaviour, but clearly, he isn't. I'm just a bit shaken but okay, and it was also sad to witness his mood shifts and suffering too. He's been suffering since he was 13. I'm sad that we couldn't have found a bit of happiness amongst the suffering, but he just wasn't into me enough to be thoughtful about me, or maybe he's not capable of caring.

Other than that, Tinder feels really soul-less. Like I could just get stoned and meet random people and hook up and it would be a distraction from just how bored and ill I feel most of the time, but don't know if I want to do it. And other than that, it's all a strange world out there and maybe best avoided.

Excuse me rambling. I am really bored all the time at the moment which is the depression and can't think very straight.

Thanks everyone for all your comments, and thank you @fixitinpost for talking sense to me and also being funny :)

There are many whom are alive that would, by nearly every conceivable measurement, be better off dead. I should know of course, since I'm one of them. However, society's fixation on the "sanctity of life" leads to the constant creation and perpetuation of absolutely needless kinds of suffering, where no path to recovery or treatment is even possible. Yes, yes, there's the old slippery slope argument that revolves around going too far in the euthanization of those forever beyond any kind of help, but, at the very least, the option should be there for those with the capability to make the decision for themselves. Here's the bottom line either way. Those that kill themselves make society, and life in general, look bad. This is as heinous a crime as they come. The majority need to maintain their rosy image of life at all costs, even if it means fundamentally curtailing the rights, freedoms and wishes of others when it comes to deciding what to do with their own bodies. Schopenhauer said it best.



As far as I'm concerned though, I guess you could say I occupy a rather "extreme" position wherein I do sincerely believe that people like me ought to have been executed as infants. If it could be demonstrably proven that one's quality of life will always be at an abysmally low level, then that person ought to be executed as soon as possible. No exceptions. We let those who wish to cling to their miserable lives persist on, leaving someone like me lost in the lurch, who would've otherwise been saved decades of excruciating experience of my existence had I actually been euthanized as a baby. This society is fucking insane. We let people with crippling disabilities go on to breed and create more people who will suffer with the exact same disabilities simply so as to salve their own frail egos, while at the same time we deny a means of painless death to those who suffer with chronic illnesses or who are otherwise so utterly mentally incapable (such as the ones you mentioned pulling their hair out or mutilating their own bodies on a daily basis) that it would be much more preferable to simply execute them and spare them the horror of their predicament any longer.

I watched some video with this woman who lost her seriously disabled little girl. She was Christian herself and loved her daughter/s. Nevertheless, I was quite disturbed that this mother would have wanted her little girl alive indefinitely. Even a natural death for her little girl was hard for her to accept. What is so bad about death? For me, it will be the biggest of reliefs.

I also heard of these people who when a puppy is born with a cleft palate (like one of my puppies was), they keep the dog alive at a cost of £1000s with a feeding tube. That should not be allowed. Full stop. There are so many happy healthy dogs, why give a dog a feeding tube just to keep it alive, when we can give it a compassionate death.

All of this stuff about life is just also absolute hypocrisy, as we are happy to bomb countries around the world, sell them arms, trade so that their own people go hungry, eat food that belongs to them, send children down into mines so we can have our mobile phones. It just all happens to people other than those in power, so it is all bullshit.

 

[quicksand]

Your figure is oddly optimistic. Past a certain point, illness, physical or mental, can easily consume your whole life. It slowly and surely displaces your "personality" until your whole life, your private thoughts and feelings, are all about your illness and there's no room for anything else. Your "interests" will all be about coping with the illness. Your "experiences" will all be about enduring the illness.

This is particularly insidious with mental illness because it's invisible and it's largely impossible to communicate to other people what the big deal is. Other people don't see the monster that has swallowed you and is slowly digesting you. But to you, the only thing you see is the inside of the monster's gut and the only thing you feel is the acid melting you.

Yeah, I agree with that. That was why I said 99.999%--there are always going to be exceptions. But in the case of those people, dating should be the last thing on their mind.

It's oddly optimistic because it's what I did when I was as close to ctb as I could possibly get. I would literally spend the day as a husk of a person, just staring at the wall and willing my SN to arrive, until the evening when I'd meet up with someone. I desperately wanted to jump in front of the train on the way there, but once you're in the situation itself, there's a whole 'nother person you have to worry about instead of yourself.

 

[Makko]

Yeah, I agree with that. That was why I said 99.999%--there are always going to be exceptions. But in the case of those people, dating should be the last thing on their mind.

I'm saying that the 99.999% is too optimistic. It really doesn't take much to permanently twist a mind out of its joint, but it's not something you'll be aware of or be able to observe, just like you can't observe yourself age.

 

[quicksand]

I'm saying that the 99.999% is too optimistic. It really doesn't take much to permanently twist a mind out of its joint, but it's not something you'll be aware of or be able to observe, just like you can't observe yourself age.

I think you're overestimating how many people suffer from such debilitating illness (if you're describing it as being physically unable to have and talk about interests outside of an illness). Any forum of this kind will exacerbate issues and act a bit like an echo chamber, so I can see why we may think it's more prevalent than it really is.

 

[Imaginos]

Being yourself does work as long as there is more to you than an illness--which, honestly, should apply to 99.999% of the population.

Yeah, but if you never put yourself into a situation that involves other people, then it's moot. Take me for instance. I haven't spoken or talked with anyone by myself beyond immediate family for basically 20 fucking years. Unless you count my posts on this website that is, which to me are utterly useless blurbs of communication that do absolutely nothing to change or improve my situation. And also it's like that other poster said, sooner or later all that's left of oneself past a certain point is the mangled heap of whatever remains after being relentlessly chewed on by their mental demons for decades on. I for one am at a point where I have no interests in anything that I wish to talk about and those that I do only entail surface level bullshit that has no bearing on anything and is merely an escape from momentary boredom that does nothing to alleviate/change how otherwise broken and malformed I am. Talking about random topics doesn't solve anything, nor does it even help me feel better. It's just pointless noise. What I really am still rests beneath all that.

Maybe I'm just part of that .1 percent margin who's totally fucked, although I'd argue it's probably a bit more than that. Either way, I actually agree with you that many people, even most of those that are here on this website, overestimate their problems to a rather large degree and are those whom could probably still sort themselves out if they simply gave their heads a shake. The key things that really fuck you permanently come down to the quadruple AAAA special. Agoraphobia, APD, anhedonia, and autism. You get smacked with those 4 and you're fucked. That's all there is to it. I mean, yeah, some people might suffer with just one, or a couple of those, but all 4 at once? Very few individuals, even here, can claim to be that fucked and, of course, I happen to be one of them. And that's my point, if you just suffer with one, or two, then there's good odds you could probably still fix your life. All 4 however, and yes, you're then basically part of that .1 percent margin at that point. It's like severe burns. Third degree burns are not the same as first degree burns. One leaves you far more fucked than the other.

There are so many happy healthy dogs, why give a dog a feeding tube just to keep it alive, when we can give it a compassionate death.

Well yeah, there you go. We euthanize sickly animals, well most of the time anyway, but nope. Can't do that shit with humans apparently. That'd be "wrong". It's just such arbitrary bullshit. Granted, I know that it's basically impossible to tell on a mental illness angle who's really going to be so fucked in life that their quality of life will be literally non-existent, but all I'm saying is that if we could determine that sort of thing at infancy, then the only option from there should be a lethal injection. In my case, I wouldn't have cared if they used a fucking rock to bash my brains in, so long as it fucking killed me and spared me having to suffer through decades of this mind-rending bullshit that's supposed to pass as a "life".

It just all happens to people other than those in power, so it is all bullshit.

Yep, pretty much. Pro-life attitudes facilitates a large slave population for the ruling class to exploit. You don't want the cattle offing themselves, basically. As far as they're concerned, we're their property and it is they, not us, who will decide what happens to us. We are only allowed to die when they deem it necessary or profitable for us to do so, or when we're otherwise taken by nature/entropy. Suicide often indicts society on its awfulness and makes it looks bad. This hurts business interests and adjoining structures of power and that simply can't be allowed by the ruling classes.

 

[Thrash]

Pain.

 

[unlovible000]

Ghosted by someone you like. Welcome to the club pal, I'm in the same situation.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm pleased to say I don't miss him anymore. I would have tolerated his mood shifts and mean-ness I think if I knew that he liked me and if he would have made it nice (but that is a stupid thing to do, so it's good that didn't happen). Like I sat around waiting for him to be in a nicer mood and be nice to me after he was mean to me, but it didn't really happen.

Now, having seen how bad his mood shifts are and also that he's not into me, I am not missing him.

I have met a few nicer people online - one of whom I have stuff in common with and the other one seems fun.

I can only realy date when I'm on weed/wine because of mental illness. But it can be enjoyable when I am on weed/wine which is why I am still doing it. It's a bit of a distraction from the daily misery of mental illness.

 

[dandan]

Recover from 20+ year depression and dated once fell for her, she suggested commitment, I told her to leave because I was not sure I would be alright, I was just relieved from depression and don't hace money.

Today she's with a rich guy buying her pretty things and most important she says he says he loves her so much, so I'm screwed either way, no money no love from her.

Turn that page, thats what I have to do.

 

[LittleJem]

Recover from 20+ year depression and dated once fell for her, she suggested commitment, I told her to leave because I was not sure I would be alright, I was just relieved from depression and don't hace money.

Today she's with a rich guy buying her pretty things and most important she says he says he loves her so much, so I'm screwed either way, no money no love from her.

Turn that page, thats what I have to do.

It's so hard dating with depression. I know now it will always be with me, so it doesn't feel fair to date properly. I'm meeting someone tonight and feel like a fraud. Like even if I can be okay for one evening (on drugs) all I really want is this suffering to end.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Dating Tips?
- Chloroform &/ Cocaine (depends on the occasion)
- Chain and (code) Padlocks - you will lose the keys
(Granmammy says don't bother with rope)
- Xtra set of handcuffs but pay attention to the keys warning.
- Bodybag
- Strong Spade / Shovel
- Lyme powder
- A Torch
- iPod with Nick Cave / Pj Harvey (drowns out the screams / voices)
- medikit (for you! - you will get hurt by fighters / freedom seekers, it isn't the 50's)
- Towel / wet-wipes (hopefully it will get sweaty -grrr!)
- Incineration device - for sweaty /bloodstained /dna-riddled clothes / above towel etc
- Travel size kitbag (for trophies - only if it's true love...
(... & nothing that won't fit in the freezer)
- Travel-size altar: not encouraged (ref: trophies for home use)
(...but if it's the right time / you are 'commanded' an altar suitcase is advised)
- Shakespeare's Love Sonnets for when you take a break from digging
(for when you get tired to keep you inspired)

Under no circumstances must you take:
- Your I.D card / business cards
- Your favourite teddy-bear (I know he likes to watch, but if you left him behind...)
- Your Mobile Phone (you will be pinged by the police)*
- The dating ad printout from Craigslist / Grindr etc
(won't matter if u don't recognise 1another - builds up the suspense)
- A car that has lo-Jack tracking or an uber taxi (...erm!)
- A clown mask (that joke isn't funny anymore!)
- Your Bible / Nursery Rhymes on your ipod
(...unless you want to scare your date into submisssion)
- Your wallet / credit cards / random acts of kindness / conscience
(...you have no idea how often this causes problems)

*if you are the sentimental sort (ref: trophies) you may take a polaroid / digital camera (though nothing with metadata or gps**)
** if you are meeting for a double date / want to hookup with other cult members in the woods etc - take gps devices but proceed with caution - handwritten maps are just too incriminating and can be difficult to understand.

Good Luck!

 

[Mentalmick]

Dating Tips?
- Chloroform &/ Cocaine (depends on the occasion)
- Chain and (code) Padlocks - you will lose the keys
(Granmammy says don't bother with rope)
- Xtra set of handcuffs but pay attention to the keys warning.
- Bodybag
- Strong Spade / Shovel
- Lyme powder
- A Torch
- iPod with Nick Cave / Pj Harvey (drowns out the screams / voices)
- medikit (for you! - you will get hurt by fighters / freedom seekers, it isn't the 50's)
- Towel / wet-wipes (hopefully it will get sweaty -grrr!)
- Incineration device - for sweaty /bloodstained /dna-riddled clothes / above towel etc
- Travel size kitbag (for trophies - only if it's true love...
(... & nothing that won't fit in the freezer)
- Travel-size altar: not encouraged (ref: trophies for home use)
(...but if it's the right time / you are 'commanded' an altar suitcase is advised)
- Shakespeare's Love Sonnets for when you take a break from digging
(for when you get tired to keep you inspired)

Under no circumstances must you take:
- Your I.D card / business cards
- Your favourite teddy-bear (I know he likes to watch, but if you left him behind...)
- Your Mobile Phone (you will be pinged by the police)*
- The dating ad printout from Craigslist / Grindr etc
(won't matter if u don't recognise 1another - builds up the suspense)
- A car that has lo-Jack tracking or an uber taxi (...erm!)
- A clown mask (that joke isn't funny anymore!)
- Your Bible / Nursery Rhymes on your ipod
(...unless you want to scare your date into submisssion)
- Your wallet / credit cards / random acts of kindness / conscience
(...you have no idea how often this causes problems)

*if you are the sentimental sort (ref: trophies) you may take a polaroid / digital camera (though nothing with metadata or gps**)
** if you are meeting for a double date / want to hookup with other cult members in the woods etc - take gps devices but proceed with caution - handwritten maps are just too incriminating and can be difficult to understand.

Good Luck!

You'll also need to get an alibi set up, just in case the filth come knocking.

 

[London2021]

What a good thread ...OK going try chip in as woman older than you but who was divorced mid 30s followed by yrs poor MH . So by time even thought about dating was in 40s. Remembered friend had said in a relationship just look for sex and carpentry ( but not at same time) .

Too scared by social media even then. Online dating was for weirdos so just reinforced all negative views of self ! And men to women ratio then too high.

So, thought about what I was missing most, what would boost me most. And sex was answer. So went on mission just to have good uncomplicated sex with someone fanciable where there was no chance of a relationship. So, back then, did the Shirley Valentine thing Greek island young waiter never seen again ! Made me feel better...

Realised since then that relationship I want - and now occasionally have with someone I knew of for yrs - was hugs, laughs, good sex but with no future plans and definitely no living together, getting remarried. In some ways as you get older ppl are more accepting of what baggage you bring as expectations less or more realistic, dunno. Also helps live in big city where wide range and can be anonymous in way can't be in small town or village I guess.