Fuck alternatives to suicide. Fuck them with an iron poker. If children are successfully ctb, I know I can do it too! I'm sure as hell not gonna spend the rest of my days suffering in vain & whining about being afraid that killing myself will be incredibly painful - let it be painful, let it hurt like a son of a bitch!!! What's a couple of hours of even the most horrific stress & physical pain compared to an eternity of FREEDOM from this pathetic, meaningless bullshit?? I refuse to be life's cowardly bitch.
Sounds like Seppuku could be an option for you LOL
Yes I have an alternative. I try to remind myself of it every day.
First, I can be a good dad to my girls. It's not their fault that my life is a mess. I'd give anything so they can be happy. Second, I can work. I am very lucky that I'm of a generation when it was still possible to start a career without a miracle taking place. I know that. I have an interesting job and people depend on me and I need to do it for them if I can't for myself.
Third, I would like to travel again. One of the good things about CTB is it has made me relatively fearless. I'd like to study in Italy and then go further afield in Asia and the Americas. I don't know if this will happen because of (1) and (2) but it's a pleasant daydream.
Fourth, I'd like to write (wouldn't we all). I have published some things previously its just applying myself I suppose.
Fifth, I would like to explore spirituality and perhaps also theoretical physics. Somebody tried to convert me to evangelical Christianity when I was in hospital but I wasn't persuaded. One of my favourite authors is Christopher Isherwood (author of A Single Man, the Tom Ford film). He wrote a book about his own explorations, particularly with Hinduism, which I'm looking forward to reading. I'd like to have my answers to
@WornOutLife 's existential questions!
I don't hope for a life without mental illness and CTB because I don't think that's possible. I often look down on the scars on my legs and think that death has left his mark and will be coming back. Maybe that's just romanticism.