Do you hate yourself?

[LivvenDe]

I have encountered a lot of people in SS who say they hate themselves...

For me, personally, this is a concept I don't quite understand, and if you do hate yourself, would you mind trying to explain me why?

The reason it is hard for me to understand is that my hatred/indignation/revolt has always been directed "externally", which means for example that when I thought I was ugly, I wasn't angry at me specifically, but I was angry at society for setting stupid beauty standards, or angry at whoever/whatever had put me into the world to suffer...

When I came to the conclusion I was gay, I also didn't hate myself for that. Specially because I had done nothing wrong, I was just made this way. Of course I felt ashamed, I used to try to hide it, but I never blamed myself for it.

Whenever I didn't go well in some test in school I also didn't hate myself, I hated the fact that I had to do the test in the first place.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying I go about blaming everything/everyone else for my shit/shortcomings... I know of my responsibility towards my own well being, society etc. It is just that I don't direct any hatred towards me, because tbh, deep down I don't think I really have any control whatsoever, I didn't even decide I would be born, so why would I be angry at myself for something I cannot be blamed for?

Well, but if you do direct hate feelings towards yourself, feel free to share about it so I can try to understand it better from your perspective ;)

Thanks!

 

[j0n4th4n]

i have a rlly bad thing where i always pin the blame on myself, never on anyone else, that way i can always guarantee i'm the one who "works" to fix the "problem". my therapist is still trying to figure out why i do this, i can't tell you myself. i hate myself for tons of reasons, it gives me a sense of control, the fact that i'm doing something to change the problem, or at least having constant awareness of it if i can't quite fix it

 

[Chisel]

I hate myself.
Because I break things. People, relationships...myself.
I don't have some of the same capacities others have.
I hate myself for not appreciating the things I did have. And all because I got things I'd never had before I got greedy and abused the things I hold most dear. Seems to be a recurring pattern I cannot stop and am never self aware enough to see myself making mistakes until it's all too late.
I hate myself because I hurt the most precious thing Ive ever had.
And lost it all because I can't stop being so self absorbed, egotistical and selfish.
I hate me because I'm me.
And I just can't change that, so I hate myself more, because I can't change.

 

[eryu]

I used to for a long time. I still feel I have little worth but that is really more of a rational assessment at this point.
I would have very much liked to be like you and to have directed any loathing outward. I tried to rationalize myself toward that mindset but it didn't work. On the contrary, I'd be hit by things from inside that would reinforce the negative attitudes toward myself.
I'm not sure hate is the right word. Maybe something more like intense disdain.
I didn't feel I had the right to my feelings or opinions. There were voices and narratives inside that all told me that I couldn't think or feel in particular ways if I hadn't met certain conditions yet.
It was like I was always standing trial in a court of people who hated me and had already decide I was guilty. Any arguments I made in my defense were used to further incriminate me.

 

[Hemlock]

Hi @LivvenDe,

I often feel that life isn't worth living, and that I hate myself. This is for some of the same reasons as @jonxtxnr and @Chisel above – especially

i always pin the blame on myself

and

I don't have some of the same capacities others have.

(though I've been told many a time that I shouldn't be so hard on myself).

I have also had body image issues and probably had anorexia though am better now.

I was angry at society for setting stupid beauty standards, or angry at whoever/whatever had put me into the world to suffer...

Me too.

When I came to the conclusion I was gay, I also didn't hate myself for that.

Neither did I [hate myself for being gay], but my parents responded poorly to me coming out to them and I'm not sure that they'll ever accept any boyfriend I have.

This is only my second post in Sanctioned Suicide and my first post in a while. I hope to make friends here and feel more like I belong to a community as I don't feel that much in real life. I don't have a job and can't stay in one for long without my employer picking up on the way I work, despite me trying my best, which makes me frustrated and I often feel really bad about myself as a result and I feel like a burden on society too.

I am quite withdrawn from the outside world at the moment and over the past few weeks have only left the house twice. I haven't been on WhatsApp for ages as I have lost interest in the volunteer work I used to do due to my dad trying to interfere in my life. I got my dad involved in volunteering as well and he has befriended a fellow volunteer and (now former) friend and recruited said former friend to try and get me to break up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly six years.

Since then [edit to clarify when: since the former friend tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago], I haven't feel like speaking to many of the people I know in real life. Realistically, that situation will change and I am likely to start speaking with at least some of those people again, especially my parents, but this will most likely be in a relatively long time from now. I feel that the relationship between myself and my parents will probably never be the same again. I will probably no longer volunteer for that organisation again as my dad will probably try and get someone else to pester me.

My doctor recommended to me a few days ago that I contact an organisation that provides therapy, but upon contacting that organisation I was told that I am ineligible to be helped by them. I saw on the website of another organisation that I believe I would be eligible to receive therapy from that they are not taking new clients at the moment.

 

[NaughtyGirl]

Not at all.

We don't have free will. No one is guilty of anything and no one deserves anything. Each and every one of our decisions or characteristics has a root cause that lies beyond our control and will. We're merely reacting to everything and we react in accordance with the laws of physics. There is no freedom to be found there. We're just observers.

Thus there is no reason for me to hate anyone, including myself. Fundamentally I also don't blame anyone for anything.

 

[Manaaja]

Sometimes I hate myself for a minute. But sometimes I like myself. Though lately it's been 99% hate because my life has been full of shit a shit after shit.

I think the hatred is because I'm the only thing I can "control and move". Like if you played a chess game or another strategy game where every other piece was controlled by AI except for one piece that you controlled, and you fought and lost, you might first complain that the AI was shit and it wasn't your fault that you lost. But after you lose a million battles and you realize you can't change the AI, but you still want to change the battle's outcome, then the only one you can change is yourself, so you come to hate yourself. It's easier to say "I'd have won if I wasn't so bad" than to admit that you'll always lose because the AI will always be a piece of shit.

Hating myself gives me a sense of control. "It's not my asperger's or ADD's fault that I can't do this, I could easily do this if I wasn't so lazy." Sometimes it has helped. I thought that I would never learn to paint humans because of my asperger and because I have zero talent in art, but then I stopped blaming my disabilities and I kept trying and I finally could do it. I wish I can paint more in afterlife or afterdeath, I don't want to live on this planet anymore, but I still want to realize my dream of being able to paint as good as my idols.

It's easier to live believing that you could do better than to realize you can't do better. The same thing with my narcissistic family. It's really shameful and stupid, but sometimes I'm able to realize that it was completely my parents's fault yet sometimes I victim blame myself because I'm lonely and I don't want to lose my only human contacts. So I cycle between "I hate my parents, I wish I never met them again.", "Shit, I'm really lonely. I can't take this loneliness, it's killing me." and "I'm overreacting, my parents aren't that bad, everything was my fault. My parents wouldn't abuse me if I behaved better." and again "I hate my parents. They ruin my life. I wish I could escape them."

 

[motel rooms]

Thus there is no reason for me to hate anyone, including myself. Fundamentally I also don't blame anyone for anything.

Something tells me no one's ever significantly hurt you

 

[ClownMe]

I hate my brain more so than myself.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I hate myself for being ugly, and it has nothing to do with the standards society created or something. I find certain people beautiful, and I want to look like them. I hate my brain for not being smart, and it's nobody's fault, so I really can't blame anyone. I hate my personality, bc I'm a shitty person and I hurt people. And no whatever standards have nothing to do with that….. I never thought that self-hatred was so hard to understand…..

 

[summers]

I hate that I never fully reached my potential in some aspects of my life because I chose money over other goals. I could have be more successful if I followed my dreams. Don't know if I hate myself, but I hate some of the decisions I've made.

 

[LivvenDe]

I hate myself for being ugly, and it has nothing to do with the standards society created or something. I find certain people beautiful, and I want to look like them. I hate my brain for not being smart, and it's nobody's fault, so I really can't blame anyone. I hate my personality, bc I'm a shitty person and I hurt people. And no whatever standards have nothing to do with that….. I never thought that self-hatred was so hard to understand…..

I guess it has to do with how you perceive things, who/what you put to blame and how you judge it...

Fundamentally, I always tended to see myself as a victim rather than the perpetrator. Maybe because things that impacted me the most at a younger age were more from the outside in - like my father's death from a car accident when I was nine years old. That made me see the world as this unsafe place and further occurrences and perceptions were also thus seen by me as bad things happening from the outside.

This maybe also explains why I want to ctb to get away from here, but I don't have a need to hurt/cut myself.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the examples.

I hate that I never fully reached my potential in some aspects of my life because I chose money over other goals. I could have be more successful if I followed my dreams. Don't know if I hate myself, but I hate some of the decisions I've made.

I feel it too! Lost too much time going after money, a pressure for being successful that led me to a pretty bad burnout!

 

[Iwishiwasafrog]

I hate myself alot. Everything about me I hate. the way I speak, the way I laugh, the way I just.. exist. It's like being split into 2 very different people and one is just relentlessly putting down the other screaming and asking why the other couldn't have been normal, a perfect functional member of society. It's exhausting.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I guess it has to do with how you perceive things, who/what you put to blame and how you judge it...

Fundamentally, I always tended to see myself as a victim rather than the perpetrator. Maybe because things that impacted me the most at a younger age were more from the outside in - like my father's death from a car accident when I was nine years old. That made me see the world as this unsafe place and further occurrences and perceptions were also thus seen by me as bad things happening from the outside.

This maybe also explains why I want to ctb to get away from here, but I don't have a need to hurt/cut myself.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the examples.

The world is unsafe. But there're situations when people are actually to blame to do you wrong, and sometimes there're just accidents, and sometimes it's really you who can be "backwards" :):):)

 

[Jacquelyn]

I don't necessarily hate myself, I just hate how unbelievably lacking my work ethic is.
I can't keep a job for more than a few months. The last 3 jobs I had have ended the same way. I get super stressed out and then at some point I start spending all my time at work thinking about how easy it would bnow. o just walk out, blow all my money having fun, and then CTB.

On top of this, I'm always wishing I had the ability to sing, draw, or do anything that's creative and tangible . I feel as though it's impossible for me to get better at any of those things, so to save myself from the pain of being a shitty artist no one likes, I just avoid creative hobbies.

If I could handle working a full time job without going insane, I'd be living in my own house with my girlfriend by now. I've gone as far as to distribute *TOTALLY LEGAL* substances across the nation just to pay the bills.
When I was a young teenager and I found out the average American makes $50,000 a year, I thought "holy shit adult life is gonna be great, i could get by with a fraction of that amount of money". Well here I am now. Not even old enough to drink and I'm already tired of life.

I don't want to work for 50 years just to retire when I'm too old to enjoy any of it. When I was young I thought I was gonna make it, I thought I was gonna be alright, but now life sounds like a huge scam.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I guess it has to do with how you perceive things, who/what you put to blame and how you judge it...

Fundamentally, I always tended to see myself as a victim rather than the perpetrator. Maybe because things that impacted me the most at a younger age were more from the outside in - like my father's death from a car accident when I was nine years old. That made me see the world as this unsafe place and further occurrences and perceptions were also thus seen by me as bad things happening from the outside.

This maybe also explains why I want to ctb to get away from here, but I don't have a need to hurt/cut myself.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the examples.

I feel it too! Lost too much time going after money, a pressure for being successful that led me to a pretty bad burnout!

I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine one week before I turned 26. It was horrible. That's when I realized suicide was my only option. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you.

 

[orangepotato]

No, I just don't know why society never accepted me. I don't understand what I even did wrong... I'm a nice guy.

 

[Bruces]

I despise everything about myself

 

[irememberinnocence]

I often hear that self hate is anger turned inwards. If it feels unsafe to direct anger outwards then a person might direct it inwards. Overall I don't hate myself. I recognise myself as suffering due to being marginalised in society and due to my health issues. But sometimes I feel helpless and hate myself for a brief time. I just get so frustrated that I can't change anything so I blame myself for being different than the norm

 

[arie]

I hate that there isn't a single thing that I like about myself

 

[EdibleGasMask]

I'm trying to not be redundant but I absolutely hate myself. I can't stand myself and looking at myself in the past causes me to almost experience agony because of the hatred I have towards myself. To be completely honest though I think I lost the "reason" why. Over the years its become this amalgamation of my wrongdoings and experiences I cant forgive myself for and now accepted as a fact of "Im the problem, therefore im the reason for my own downfall."

 

[deflationary]

I'm kinda like you, OP. I basically don't accept responsibility for anything that's wrong with my life. That doesn't mean that I don't regret some of my past decisions, but I find it easy to contextualise them and see why I made them. I find it easy to forgive myself. Hating myself just feels totally unjust. Why would I take responsibility for being born into a shitty world that I didn't fit into? I feel like I'm the one that was wronged, no way in hell am I gonna take the blame.

 

[Ash]

I don't know if hate is the right word but I definitely despise myself and I'd be happy to carry on with life if only I could leave myself behind. Someone in the crisis team pointed out that I could have ended up brain damaged recently and didn't understand that so long as I had no sense of myself as I am, I'd actually take that as a win.

 

[LivvenDe]

Thank you so much for your honest answers fellow SS friends!!

I am sorry that you hate yourselves.

I just wish I could make you see it how I see it, that nothing that you are as a person, your born characteristics, your actions that are totally dependent on the circumstances you were inserted in against your will... These are NONE of your fault... We were simply put into this world to suffer, without explanation why!! You are not to blame!

Sending you all love and strength

 

[Midgardsorm]

I hate myself for being weak.
For being cursed.
For having failed in life.
For having dishonored my family even though I don't think they were actually good to me. They even betrayed me recently. I love them still.
For being ugly.

In the end, it always ends the same. I'm weak, incapable, insufficient, undesirable.
I am meant to be trashed away.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I hate myself because everyone else hate me.
I'm ugly (in the true sense of the word), dumb, unintelligent, can't even speak correctly, I'm coward, weak, I'm fat, everything I do I look weird, everything looks weird on me, I have absolutely no quality, nothing good about me. Not a single thing. I want to harm myself non stop. Fuck genes. Fuck everything. People have reasons to hate me.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm not getting into it. Just know anyone else who'd done what I have would have killed themselves but I don't think anyone else is stupid enough to have done it in the first place. What I don't understand is being here and not hating yourself

 

[ollo]

A good readI have encountered a lot of people in SS who say they hate themselves...

For me, personally, this is a concept I don't quite understand, and if you do hate yourself, would you mind trying to explain me why?

The reason it is hard for me to understand is that my hatred/indignation/revolt has always been directed "externally", which means for example that when I thought I was ugly, I wasn't angry at me specifically, but I was angry at society for setting stupid beauty standards, or angry at whoever/whatever had put me into the world to suffer...

When I came to the conclusion I was gay, I also didn't hate myself for that. Specially because I had done nothing wrong, I was just made this way. Of course I felt ashamed, I used to try to hide it, but I never blamed myself for it.

Whenever I didn't go well in some test in school I also didn't hate myself, I hated the fact that I had to do the test in the first place.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying I go about blaming everything/everyone else for my shit/shortcomings... I know of my responsibility towards my own well being, society etc. It is just that I don't direct any hatred towards me, because tbh, deep down I don't think I really have any control whatsoever, I didn't even decide I would be born, so why would I be angry at myself for something I cannot be blamed for?

Well, but if you do direct hate feelings towards yourself, feel free to share about it so I can try to understand it better from your perspective ;)

Thanks!

A good read, thought provoking...

 

[NaughtyGirl]

Something tells me no one's ever significantly hurt you

Is this a contest? I was told by my father that I'm a parasite and should live his house, that's when I first became suicidal. Does this count?

You have to understand that you have as much reason to hate someone who did something wrong under the influence of hypnosis, mind altering drugs, or a mental disease as you have reason to hate anyone else because there is fundamentally no difference. The fact some people seem to be more in control than others is just an illusion when you think about it. A tumour in a brain is easily to spot so if a person becomes a child rapist or a murderer as a result of it, it's easy to point it out and claim the person didn't have free will to act otherwise. It would be deeply unfair and unreasonable to hate such people since they're in fact the victims themselves.

But if a person doesn't have a tumour but instead myriads of smaller factors (all beyond that person's control) pile up and result in the same outcome then we somehow pretend like it was an act of free will.

So even if I instinctively feel negative emotions or a sense of guilt, I know deep down what the actual truth is. Evil is just a disease we still have no cure for. One day it will be a piece of common knowledge.

 

[Ch92921]

Its not hate its disappointment and depressing