Do You Find It Harder To CTB After You've Attempted Multiple Times?

[timechained]

I find it frustrating to admit but I feel like the compounding effects of failing multiple times, the ongoing interventions from mental health workers, being sent to psych ward multiple times, and being on SaSu, has resulted in me actually feeling less likely to want to CTB.

Before CTB was a clear necessity, now CTB seems like just a dream.

I still desire to CTB because nothing in my life has changed, I am just stuck between wanting to die to escape this hell hole and needing to live because I still exist.

I am wondering if you have attempted multiple times and dealt with the after effects, do you now have similar experiences?

What stops you from CTB again?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm not sure it's made me any less likely to CTB, but it has definitely ruled out certain methods for me. Like I was pretty intent on drowning as my method initially, but after actually facing the water and feeling the fear course through my veins, I don't think I could ever consider it again.

For some people, they find that once they've attempted and failed with one method, they can't try it again because their body develops an aversion to it, though this is far from universal.

Regardless it's normal for people to take years between attempts. Not necessarily because those attempts changed anything, though they may have learned what's effective and what's not, but because there are natural ups and downs in life and your "window of opportunity" to CTB isn't just perpetually open. It opens, then closes for a while, then opens again, etc.

So for me, the reason I haven't attempted again isn't because my reasons for wanting to CTB have changed, but just because my mood happened to improve and my window closed -- for now.

 

[ccoki17]

In my teens to early 20's, my ideation was extremely impulsive. I would have repetitive attempts that spanned for hours sometimes days. I'm not sure where that energy, willpower , desire whatever you want to call it went lol but I've certainly lost it post multiple failures. Mid 20's I started making more in depth plans, and thinking more about the ramifications of things....more what ifs and more research.....but I also held onto the idea that I was going to mess it up and that I suck so much I can't even do this right....but, I'm rambling..... the way I really see it is, ideation has grown but also matured alongside me. And nothing helps it. Not meds, not therapies....I try tho.