GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
Do you ever feel like your waiting or needing permission or confirmation from some one or some thing? Like real life permission (from a loved one or a guide) or just some sort of sign to CTB or to wait?
Gnip
Bill the Cat
- Oct 10, 2020
- 623
My mother's passing or permanent incapacitation would be my green light to CTB. I promised her I would not CTB during her lifetime, but if she were to die or enter a permanent vegetative state, I would consider myself freed from that oath.
Superdeterminist
Enlightened
- Apr 5, 2020
- 1,707
No, I'm mostly held back by issues of physical pain, and to a much smaller extent, hope that things will improve. In an ideal world, I would own some N at all times, for if my circumstances worsened as I expect they soon will. And if that happened, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. But no one could ever tell me that I'm not entitled to decide whether I live or die.
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suicidesheep31
Specialist
- Jun 27, 2020
- 349
Oh yes!!! I wish so hard that someone gives me the permission to cbt. I don't feel I have the right to do it. If everyone agree, I would be so in peace to do it. I don't see the purpose of life. Why we are here? Why some people die by "accident" like my brother and why other survive? A permission is more than what I dream
GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
I think we are simply here to learn. It's a very hard and very scary thing. We are so cruel to each other here. Not everyone but most people. We are here to learn the lessons from good and from bad and there is no right or wrong way to learn them. Its nice that you have someone worth staying for. Many people dont even have that.
Kramer
Nervous wreck
- Oct 27, 2020
- 1,399
GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
My SHTF a little rough lately as well. I'm sure many people have with all the added events this year. I dont stay for anybody either. If they dont bury you the state will do it. Plus once your gone what good would it do. You can't turn the clock back on that one. Pain is a hard one. I dont have that one right now but I have had reacuring injuries. I can only imagine how much worse it makes the simplest things. I hope it will get better also.
Surviving your troubles took strength though. Don't be to quick to forget that. My PTSD has made me feel like ive been living decades without any juice in my battery so I can relate. Mine came from abusive family and fucked up people in a very poor school system. Not the same as other types but I think I gave up when I was a young adult. Just living and waiting to die now. Why do you feel that you need permission from PTSD? You dont have to answer....
Well crap. I mixed up your post with another farther down lol. Its nice to have someone to love and be loved. Most people dont even have that. Its also tough feeling you have to wait if your really waiting to leave. It's a hard thing.
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AnotherNobody
Member
- Nov 12, 2020
- 29
No I don't, I hurt and I deemed that enough to want to go and I don't owe anyone anymore than that
Sea Turtle
She/Her ✨ Achieving True Peace
- Aug 12, 2020
- 346
No, it’s my choice and mine alone. But my SO did give “permission” persay, they said they would understand and that it was my choice, that they would support me no matter what. It helped bring me a lot of peace ... I don’t care for what others think or need their permission.
suicidesheep31
Specialist
- Jun 27, 2020
- 349
Well i have nobody in fact. My brother is dead because of my mother hurt him when she was pregnant of him. And she did the same for me but i am not dead. I just would like to get the permission from an institute of euthanasia.
GarageKarate07
Wizard
- Aug 18, 2020
- 665
I actually had your text mixed with another one up at the top. I see that now. I'm sorry you arehaving such a hard time. My life is not going very well at all. I think I may be going sooner than I would like but I'm trying to stay strong and have some hope. To get permission you would need allthe paper work and a chronic condition that wont heal is this correct? We dont have any of that here state side.
Konjac
Experienced
- Oct 25, 2020
- 281
Yeah, the timing has to be perfect. I'm waiting until after Christmas at least, just to give my family one last holiday with me & to get everything prepared. Once Christmas is over and done with, it's just a matter of booking the hotel room.
justanotherstar
Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
- Nov 23, 2020
- 343
Wow i could’ve written that myself. In that’s what I was pretty much about to write.. so yeah ditto!
No, my ex literally told me that it’s OK if I kill myself and then he and the children would be fine without me. His permission honestly just felt like a violation, and wrong.
Pupu
Member
- Jan 28, 2020
- 50
I admit I'm still at the situation where I'm not sure will I ctb or not. I don't want to live, but I wish I would not need to die either. It is not about battling with SI (as I don't believe in such in that extend some people do, no offense of course). In my case I know that if I choose to die, I'm supposed to do it with peace. I will be sad too but if I back off it is not because of SI, it is because I truly didn't want it that time.
I don't care what other people think. Of course was nice to find a supportive group like this site, but only close family matters for me in this situation. I know my mom doesn't accept if I choose to ctb, I've already tried to talk with her about it. I've also tried to take that topic up at times to "groom" her to think otherwise. I'm always free to leave a note for her but I think it is better to talk about troubling things when I'm alive and I can actually answer. Those moments have been very hard on her and I've been frightneded to see they never go as I wished. Was I fool to think I would teach her to accept my suicide? I feel like monster when she had cried rivers and then just try lay down too exhausted to do anything.
And this topic made me think, I really never thought that trhought when I planned to talk with her. I said those moments didn't go as I wished but what if it has been other way around? That she agrees? She is unhappy but tells me "Pupu, it is your life, if you don't enjoy it it is not my right to stop go ctb'ing"? It would be that permission I've called for. I can't know how things would go for real because that plan to talk with her already showed I can't imagine things right before hand. But if I try to imagine how things would go after getting permission from her; I would continue giving away my stuff. I would prepare more. I would dive deep in sadness, that sadness you feel when you go throught your stuff and pictures thinking what will be left behind and what destroyed/given away. I would ruin my mom's life by doing it more openly front of her. And finally I would end up in that moment where I've collected all I need for my final CO trip. Perhaps I tell her, perhaps we spent last moments together and then I'm off somewhere where I won't cause danger to others when succeeing.
I would be probably in the forest or in a empthy house. Behind the door is closed space full of CO and all I need to do is go in. And perhaps only in that moment I realise because of her permission I didn't stop to battle with my own mind to find out is this really what I want or not. I just went full steam with my preparations for suicide. If everything is set for death I would be like forced in corner, it would be easier to end it all than start everything again from scratch (get stuff, rent a home, go work or study). Maybe I would say it was my SI that stopped me to dive in that gas but the truth is the reason stopping me would be unprepared mind, unsettled mind. I didn't make my mind up yet. It is not about little hope I need to "kill inside me" but the fact I still don't know what I want. If I choose to live I need to accept the imperfection of it. And if I choose to die, I need to accept the imperfections of that choice too. I'm still in state of mind I can't accept anything and the best thing I can do is work with my mind now before I've chosen paths and ruined my own life more (and others). And if I choose to die, I won't need the permission of my mom's either, not anymore.
And for the record, even if she would give me permission my ctb would not be her fault if my writing gives that kind of picture.
I don't care what other people think. Of course was nice to find a supportive group like this site, but only close family matters for me in this situation. I know my mom doesn't accept if I choose to ctb, I've already tried to talk with her about it. I've also tried to take that topic up at times to "groom" her to think otherwise. I'm always free to leave a note for her but I think it is better to talk about troubling things when I'm alive and I can actually answer. Those moments have been very hard on her and I've been frightneded to see they never go as I wished. Was I fool to think I would teach her to accept my suicide? I feel like monster when she had cried rivers and then just try lay down too exhausted to do anything.
And this topic made me think, I really never thought that trhought when I planned to talk with her. I said those moments didn't go as I wished but what if it has been other way around? That she agrees? She is unhappy but tells me "Pupu, it is your life, if you don't enjoy it it is not my right to stop go ctb'ing"? It would be that permission I've called for. I can't know how things would go for real because that plan to talk with her already showed I can't imagine things right before hand. But if I try to imagine how things would go after getting permission from her; I would continue giving away my stuff. I would prepare more. I would dive deep in sadness, that sadness you feel when you go throught your stuff and pictures thinking what will be left behind and what destroyed/given away. I would ruin my mom's life by doing it more openly front of her. And finally I would end up in that moment where I've collected all I need for my final CO trip. Perhaps I tell her, perhaps we spent last moments together and then I'm off somewhere where I won't cause danger to others when succeeing.
I would be probably in the forest or in a empthy house. Behind the door is closed space full of CO and all I need to do is go in. And perhaps only in that moment I realise because of her permission I didn't stop to battle with my own mind to find out is this really what I want or not. I just went full steam with my preparations for suicide. If everything is set for death I would be like forced in corner, it would be easier to end it all than start everything again from scratch (get stuff, rent a home, go work or study). Maybe I would say it was my SI that stopped me to dive in that gas but the truth is the reason stopping me would be unprepared mind, unsettled mind. I didn't make my mind up yet. It is not about little hope I need to "kill inside me" but the fact I still don't know what I want. If I choose to live I need to accept the imperfection of it. And if I choose to die, I need to accept the imperfections of that choice too. I'm still in state of mind I can't accept anything and the best thing I can do is work with my mind now before I've chosen paths and ruined my own life more (and others). And if I choose to die, I won't need the permission of my mom's either, not anymore.
And for the record, even if she would give me permission my ctb would not be her fault if my writing gives that kind of picture.