Venting Do you feel the need to be loved?

[Less_Negative]

Do you yearn for human contact?
Warmth, contact, a voice to listen to, somebody to listen to you, somebody to remember, somebody to cherish?
I do, sometimes.

I've never been alone, thankfully. I had two parents who loved each other, until they didn't. I have small family that mostly cares about me. I have a dog and two cats that I love very dearly, but can't see very often. Yet, I still feel lonely.
I still feel the need to have someone close to me, the need to care and be cared for - beyond familiar bonds. To learn about them, to get to know them.

It's a strange feeling. I can't care about myself but, every day that goes by, my desire to care for someone else grows - while the care for my own life and my self-worth lessens.
I know I don't deserve love, I am a horrible person - both inside and outside. I've never held somebody's hand, never had a kiss, never had somebody that was not my mother tell me "I love you" and maybe that is for a reason, or rather a handful of them. Too many nevers, not enough firsts.
Distant, cold, manipulative, abhorrent, weird, overbearing, unlikeable, alone. They are all adjectives that suit me just fine, yet I'd still like to think that I can care too much, that I can be too sensitive, that I can let my guard down. Even if it isn't true.

It's these feelings made out of maybes and ifs that have got me crying for the first time this year. And I can't stop, it feels good to feel something other than a desire to die. To worry about how others perceive you, if they even care about you - to think that maybe you should just stop being a presence in their life, that everyone would be happier without you. They don't care, they probably don't even remember my name, but I still think about them. I still think about the love I had 11 years ago and how I dropped out of high school with tears in my eyes to never see her again.
It's not the fact that I was never loved back that truly hurts, but the fact that I may never see them again for the rest of my life. I don't even know their face or full name, I don't even remember them. But I still feel the same way I did back then as an ugly little boy, unworthy and a mess.

It's been so long since I've had friends or anybody to think about that I've forgotten you are not supposed to care so much about people. That love is not plentiful and that you are not supposed to love somebody you've never met, somebody that doesn't even consider you a friend. That friends are mutuals, not one sided.
That I don't deserve somebody to care about or for them to care about me. My purpose is to be used and abused, discarded as soon as I've served my purpose.

It's funny really. I've never had a purpose.

Have you ever loved?
Have you ever been loved?
Do you remember how it felt?
Do you remember their face?

 

[itsgone2]

Have you ever loved?
Have you ever been loved?
Do you remember how it felt?
Do you remember their face?

Yes. Everyone is gone now. I pushed them all away. True sociopath.
But I miss it. I'm sorry you are going through this

 

[darksouls]

I have only received love from my pets, but they all left me, I miss them and often have to cry when I think of them, I hope they are in a better place now

 

[whywere]

Till I was 18, I was HATED by my "parents".

Then in adulthood I tried so hard to be nice and it was ALWAYS, "gee, what can we get out of Walter?"

I got SO sick of that and that is why like now I have NO friends, as whenever someone wants to be my friend, they ALWAYS, either from the start or down the road, it is always like I am a free rent a center for items or I have free money to give out.

I have felt love from folks here, BUT in the press the flesh world, NOPE, and with over 50 years of getting the same treatment, as far as the strings that come with having friendship, no thank you.

Always open to think and look, BUTI really am not looking for friends, outside of here, anymore.

Walter

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

Do you yearn for human contact?
Warmth, contact, a voice to listen to, somebody to listen to you, somebody to remember, somebody to cherish?
I do, sometimes.

I've never been alone, thankfully. I had two parents who loved each other, until they didn't. I have small family that mostly cares about me. I have a dog and two cats that I love very dearly, but can't see very often. Yet, I still feel lonely.
I still feel the need to have someone close to me, the need to care and be cared for - beyond familiar bonds. To learn about them, to get to know them.

It's a strange feeling. I can't care about myself but, every day that goes by, my desire to care for someone else grows - while the care for my own life and my self-worth lessens.
I know I don't deserve love, I am a horrible person - both inside and outside. I've never held somebody's hand, never had a kiss, never had somebody that was not my mother tell me "I love you" and maybe that is for a reason, or rather a handful of them. Too many nevers, not enough firsts.
Distant, cold, manipulative, abhorrent, weird, overbearing, unlikeable, alone. They are all adjectives that suit me just fine, yet I'd still like to think that I can care too much, that I can be too sensitive, that I can let my guard down. Even if it isn't true.

It's these feelings made out of maybes and ifs that have got me crying for the first time this year. And I can't stop, it feels good to feel something other than a desire to die. To worry about how others perceive you, if they even care about you - to think that maybe you should just stop being a presence in their life, that everyone would be happier without you. They don't care, they probably don't even remember my name, but I still think about them. I still think about the love I had 11 years ago and how I dropped out of high school with tears in my eyes to never see her again.
It's not the fact that I was never loved back that truly hurts, but the fact that I may never see them again for the rest of my life. I don't even know their face or full name, I don't even remember them. But I still feel the same way I did back then as an ugly little boy, unworthy and a mess.

It's been so long since I've had friends or anybody to think about that I've forgotten you are not supposed to care so much about people. That love is not plentiful and that you are not supposed to love somebody you've never met, somebody that doesn't even consider you a friend. That friends are mutuals, not one sided.
That I don't deserve somebody to care about or for them to care about me. My purpose is to be used and abused, discarded as soon as I've served my purpose.

It's funny really. I've never had a purpose.

Have you ever loved?
Have you ever been loved?
Do you remember how it felt?
Do you remember their face?

Always, I can't remember a time I didn't need someone to be there by my side even if I wanted to be alone. I cherish having a partner, I cherish having someone that makes me feel whole, that gives me a purpose or reason to exist, that makes me feel like I actually belong and aren't just some mistake in the creation process.

I've loved deeply for years and I believe I was loved at some points in my life as well.

You never forget how it feels, thats where the tread comes from, you can't experience such highs without also feeling so fucking low when they're gone, left with having to remember every single moment you shared until you didn't share anything anymore, till you became a stranger to them again. Desperately craving for what you used to have together, broken and alone. Desperate to be held, to be loved again so you can go back to being in a better place.

 

[monetpompo]

Do you yearn for human contact?
Warmth, contact, a voice to listen to, somebody to listen to you, somebody to remember, somebody to cherish?
I do, sometimes.

this is a beautifully written post. the loss of someone i care about lead me here. he was my best friend and when he moved away i had no one. no one else saw me as worth their time. no one else wanted to hang out with me. we texted every day in the months after he moved away to his new city, but he never had time to visit me and i kept begging for him to see me. then he made some new friends, and started dating someone. i was on my own again. i'm too depressed to keep talking to him. he has everything going for him. things became the same, but worse, because i was given the chance to love and be loved by someone. it's such a terrible and haunting feeling when someone you know is far away from you. i know he's still alive. i hate that i can't be happy that he's found his place at his new college. all i want is to be there with him, experiencing the same things he is.

It's been so long since I've had friends or anybody to think about that I've forgotten you are not supposed to care so much about people. That love is not plentiful and that you are not supposed to love somebody you've never met, somebody that doesn't even consider you a friend. That friends are mutuals, not one sided.
That I don't deserve somebody to care about or for them to care about me. My purpose is to be used and abused, discarded as soon as I've served my purpose.

i love people very much. i want to love people, even if i'm afraid of them. i don't want to meet new people but i crave it, because i know that if i meet someone that's nice to me and gives me attention, then i'll feel better in that one instance than i have in weeks. i shouldn't feel like that, i should be self sufficient. but normal people aren't as lonely as me. i don't even believe that i'm worthy of love, i just want to love someone and be able to hold them, before they leave me again for someone else. no one i know really understands why i have this mindset, but i know why i do. i push people away when i get scared, or i inevitably get pushed away when i'm not a part of people's lives or routine anymore.

i don't believe that anyone really wants to me my friend and i don't think that i'm a good person. i'm just lonely. i'd let anyone take advantage of me if they acted like they loved me. in the same way i want to be loved, i want to beg people to leave me because i feel like they don't care enough about me and they're hiding their real feelings from me. i feel like a toxic person for having such strong feelings that i want the person i like to run away from me so they can find someone better. i know that people on this site can understand why someone would self isolate, though.

you can't experience such highs without also feeling so fucking low when they're gone, left with having to remember every single moment you shared until you didn't share anything anymore, till you became a stranger to them again. Desperately craving for what you used to have together, broken and alone. Desperate to be held, to be loved again so you can go back to being in a better place.

some nights i want to cry thinking about how bad i am at maintaining relationships. how i try to ruin them on purpose. how i have ruined them on purpose. it's easy to become a stranger in the same way that it's easy to become friends. looking back on old memories makes me feel guilty, like i'm not supposed to think about it anymore if they already found someone new to replace me. i'm the one that can't find a new "them". on the nights where i think of them and the mornings where i can't see them i have to avoid torturing myself by thinking about how happy they must be and how little effect my absence has on anyone's life. because what did i contribute, besides a few memories? what did i do that they can't just do with someone else?

loving people is awful. isolating yourself is awful. it sucks to be all alone in a world where you're expected to suck it up or self soothe with porn chatbots. i want to love someone else so i don't have to think about how sad i am. i still remember what it was like to smile around them, around any of my friends. we all drifted, since everyone got busy, but i miss my best friend the most even if he doesn't miss me.

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

this is a beautifully written post. the loss of someone i care about lead me here. he was my best friend and when he moved away i had no one. no one else saw me as worth their time. no one else wanted to hang out with me. we texted every day in the months after he moved away to his new city, but he never had time to visit me and i kept begging for him to see me. then he made some new friends, and started dating someone. i was on my own again. i was too depressed. things became the same, but worse, because i was given the chance to love and be loved by someone. it's such a terrible and haunting feeling when someone you know is far away from you.



i love people very much. i want to love people, even if i'm afraid of them. i don't want to meet new people but i crave it, because i know that if i meet someone that's nice to me and gives me attention, then i'll feel better in that one instance than i have in weeks. i shouldn't feel like that, i should be self sufficient. but normal people aren't as lonely as me. i don't even believe that i'm worthy of love, i just want to love someone and be able to hold them, before they leave me again for someone else. no one i know really understands why i have this mindset, but i know why i do. i push people away when i get scared, or i inevitably get pushed away when i'm not a part of people's lives or routine anymore.

i don't believe that anyone really wants to me my friend and i don't think that i'm a good person. i'm just lonely. i'd let anyone take advantage of me if they acted like they loved me. in the same way i want to be loved, i want to beg people to leave me because i feel like they don't care enough about me and they're hiding their real feelings from me. i feel like a toxic person for having such strong feelings that i want the person i like to run away from me so they can find someone better.



some nights i want to cry thinking about how bad i am at maintaining relationships. how i try to ruin them on purpose. how i have ruined them on purpose. it's easy to become a stranger in the same way that it's easy to become friends. looking back on old memories makes me feel guilty, like i'm not supposed to think about it anymore if they already found someone new to replace me. i'm the one that can't find a new "them". on the nights where i think of them and the mornings where i can't see them i have to avoid torturing myself by thinking about how happy they must be and how little effect my absence has on anyone's life. because what did i contribute, besides a few memories? what did i do that they can't just do with someone else?

loving people is awful. isolating yourself is awful. it sucks to be all alone in a world where you're expected to suck it up or self soothe with porn chatbots. i want to love someone else so i don't have to think about how sad i am. i still remember what it was like to smile around them, around any of my friends. we all drifted, since everyone got busy, but i miss my best friend the most even if he doesn't miss me.

It's far from healthy or normal but I genuinely understand that. I really find myself loving that same way more often than not. I just need that connection but I can't get myself to make it. I feel so isolated especially after everything, and I just wanna lean on someone and have them lean on me so I can stop hurting, even if it's just for a bit.