Do you feel suicidal in waves or in a consistent fashion

[Eudaimonic]

Waves, but apart from certain occasions like vacations (which, ironically, can make me intensely suicidal), it's in the form of months, not hours or days. However, during that period, the intensity does fluctuate minorly, but is relatively constant. It seemingly occurs primarily under two circumstances: worse depressive episodes and a loss of hope. Most of the time, when I am not actively suicidal, I am passively suicidal, but not always, I suppose.

 

[risanya]

sometimes my urges come in waves but like 90% of the time, its consistently at night. there have been mornings and middays were I feel bleh and have the urge to ctb but nights are the worst. sometimes my urges go away for days, even weeks but never completely.

 

[P@in]

Sometimes I have those "bright moments" that makes me feel like I can handle this.
But most of the time I suffer, especially when my physical pain is getting stronger. Then my emotions are also getting bad and I wish I could do it right now.
Emotions are in conflict 'cus we all have the instinct to live and we care about what the people around us think (at least which are close to us). Rationally I understand it's invenitable to resist at the end.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Currently I have constant suicidal feelings and thoughts and the desire to CTB asap. Unless my situation miraculously changes to the better this may not change.

 

[ayaneechan]

For me that's a constant and I have to find ways to not think about.
Some events can trigger me to actually act, but that's just impulsive. I need to plan it really good before I act again

 

[passivethought121]

Constant. While it does fluctuate from peak active ideation to passive ideation, I'm always looking forward to it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I experience ideation fairly constantly. However- sometimes it will be more intense than others. I don't think it's ever felt like a bad or wrong idea for me though- even at times when I have felt happier.

 

[Girlfriend]

Waves, but apart from certain occasions like vacations (which, ironically, can make me intensely suicidal), it's in the form of months, not hours or days. However, during that period, the intensity does fluctuate minorly, but is relatively constant. It seemingly occurs primarily under two circumstances: worse depressive episodes and a loss of hope. Most of the time, when I am not actively suicidal, I am passively suicidal, but not always, I suppose.

Traveling tends to make me more suicidal as well!

 

[ddn.ctb]

sometimes my urges come in waves but like 90% of the time, its consistently at night. there have been mornings and middays were I feel bleh and have the urge to ctb but nights are the worst. sometimes my urges go away for days, even weeks but never completely.

I do get fluctuations in the day as well but worse at the end of day before bed.

For me that's a constant and I have to find ways to not think about.
Some events can trigger me to actually act, but that's just impulsive. I need to plan it really good before I act again

During some of my waves I feel impulsive about just doing it. I feel I will be gone on one of those impulsive waves

I experience ideation fairly constantly. However- sometimes it will be more intense than others. I don't think it's ever felt like a bad or wrong idea for me though- even at times when I have felt happier.

The idea sometime just fills my thoughts. Sometimes it makes me act out the moment other times it freezes me

Traveling tends to make me more suicidal as well!

Same here. I seem to know it will hit me on a trip. Maybe that is why I think a hotel is a good location to expire

 

[jar-baby]

This is a good question.

Personally, till very recently, waves. I relate to your experience. During the first wave, I found the PPH online, during the next few, I read it, during the next I found an SN supplier and during the next I went to get the SN.

Now, though a wave has passed, I don't feel motivated to live again or anything. It's like I can't be bothered with life anymore. I used to think I'd ctb during one of those waves but I feel now that my conviction about ctb is coming from logic and philosophy, not an emotional fluctuation.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

It's a constant everyday, some days I'm able to distract myself, but when I'm alone with my thoughts it's overwhelming

 

[chris1979]

For me it's in waves. But also maybe it's always at the back of my mind. I just feel like I didn't live up to my parents expectations.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

In waves. I feel good and content today but a few days ago I just wanted to die, had massive anxiety and thought of ending myself ASAP.

 

[girlsboysthems]

used to come in waves, now constant

 

[Seered Doom]

It's consistent in being a present thing, though the intensity of it comes in episodic waves.

 

[Borderline]

I'm chronically suicidal.

 

[Twntysix]

Its always there, present in my life, something of a ghost like that lurking in the background, in the corner of my mind (if that makes sense).

If i describe that feeling like an entity, sometimes it scream, other times just stare at me, with piercing laser eye like, waiting for me to turn and look directly at it. It never go away and even if i try to "not paying attention" i'm very much aware that my suicidal feeling is always there.

English is not my first language and i'm sorry if my reply sound gibberish and doesn't make sense. Sending hugs to every single one of you

 

[ddn.ctb]

Its always there, present in my life, something of a ghost like that lurking in the background, in the corner of my mind (if that makes sense).

If i describe that feeling like an entity, sometimes it scream, other times just stare at me, with piercing laser eye like, waiting for me to turn and look directly at it. It never go away and even if i try to "not paying attention" i'm very much aware that my suicidal feeling is always there.

English is not my first language and i'm sorry if my reply sound gibberish and doesn't make sense. Sending hugs to every single one of you

I thought your response was actually quite amazing - you really presented the emotional side of this extremely well