Discussion Do you feel forced to live for your loved ones?

[dogemn]

I watched a Youtube video of a mother talking about losing her son to suicide, and it was the most disturbing video I've ever seen. The grief she described honestly seemed worse than torture, and years later she's still carrying it. After watching it I feel almost forced to stay alive because I can't imagine causing that kind of pain, though I'm still struggling with severe depression.

Do you ever feel that way? Is the pain it leaves behind just too immense for you to go through with it?

 

[Wlfgrl]

Over the years it's stopped me from sticking to a plan, but I've tried getting over that mental hurdle by reminding myself that after I'm gone it won't matter anyways. It has stopped me though, like you asked. Brought me to tears and then other distractions to keep me going. I've kept telling myself though that after both are gone then I have free reign to go through with it. Wonder if thoughts of my siblings would have me stop, but I don't think so.

 

[telekon]

I know my mom would have gave a shit and it would have traumatized her if I did it at 20 or around that age. But now that I'm an "adult-adult" I'm pretty sure she wouldn't give a fuck. 90% sure neither of my parents would care.

I guess what I'm saying is that their whole trauma response is oftentimes them just being a narcissist.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[Numinous]

I'm not sure what extent of my mothers grieving would be genuine and what would just be her performing socially expected grief. She has always cared more about her perceived reputation than me. I imagine most her grief would just stem from how her sons suicide would reflect on her parenting. I'm sure she'd make it all about poor her, though. She is the core reason I'm on a site like this to begin with.

 

[starboy2k]

My mother (and people like her) is one of the biggest reasons why Im going to kill myself lol.

Forcing to live for loved ones I don't even like would be a entirely different mental prison…..

 

[diospyros.kaki]

yes. for most of my teenager years i felt guilty for sometimes imagining that if my parents died i would finally be free to end it all and have a "valid" reason to ctb.

nowadays i still think/feel this way about my cats

 

[GodChallengesMe]

I'm not sure what extent of my mothers grieving would be genuine and what would just be her performing socially expected grief. She has always cared more about her perceived reputation than me. I imagine most her grief would just stem from how her sons suicide would reflect on her parenting.

I remember one of the user here who CTBed successfully and forum members verified her identity by scrolling the news websites of the location she was from. That news blew out in her country because they found out that the deceased was using this website to gain information about the methods. Her mother was very upset (IMO, playing like that) and was actively seeking "justice", blaming others (this website and people here) for her child's suicide, not even acknowledging her own fault in a slightest bit. In reality she was the one who institutionalized her child into a psych ward for multiple occasions thinking she needed the so called "treatment", making her life more miserable and driving her to commit suicide eventually.

But, she [the mother] would never acknowledge that, not because she doesn't feel guilty deep inside her heart but because she numbs herself by playing that as if she really cared about her daughter. That's why she started blaming others immediately the news broke out, because she didn't want her "parenting" reputation to get screwed and people see her as a garbage human being [which she really is].

My mother also behaves like that. She will blame everything and everyone (mostly me) but not herself in order to avoid the stigma she will get from other people if she ever acknowledges her own fault. This is what social conditioning is about in general. Deep down most people behave appropriately not because of genuine emotions but because they have to behave like that, the situation demands so.

If the mother of the mentioned deceased forum member really wanted her daughter to remain alive, she would never put her into psych ward in the first place and she would make everything she could in order to help her. If, after all the efforts her daughter would still take her own life, the mother would be at peace knowing that she tried all that she could genuinely. She got mad precisely because she knows that her fault is immense into this by not being a good parent and tried to divert away that feeling by blaming others instead. Such is the reality.

 

[Lamentice]

All the people who have to be informed I've died will move on with their lives shortly after. Death is a part of life, people learn to deal.