Discussion Do you feel damaged or defective?

[Fadeawaaaay]

Do you feel like you've always been like this?

 

[EraseRewind]

It's an interesting question, I really do believe I am and have been defective or deficient in some way since I was quite young.

I was always neglected as a youngster, because I suspect my parents weren't ready for a child and from that experience I developed a severe anxiety issue which I self medicated with alcohol from an early age, and I'm convinced this affected my brain development.

 

[sharky]

Yup. My mind has always been damaged. It's like a crack that got bigger and bigger over time and now I feel as if I'm damaged beyond repair.

 

[stoiccactus]

I just got out of an abusive marriage but I feel like I can no longer shake the "I am not worthy of love or kindness" feelings it perpetuated in me. Inescapable pain of my own creation.

 

[UnwantedUnlovable85]

I never had a chance, I was conceived in the most dumb circumstances as my mom bet a friend who would fuck my dad first and told what every white woman should NOT tell a hispanic man: I. CAN'T. GET. PREGNANT. ( I'm part white and Hispanic so I'm just being humorous and not racist). They were not in any financial nor mature state to have kids ( my dad was a night stocker at a grocery store and 19 and my mom a waitress at 22) and there was a lot of turmoil and heartbreak, I had a terrible head injury that left me with a learning disability where it takes me a long time to grasp things. But I've always felt defective and not able to belong, I tried to have friendships but I was just to weird, even in highschool the goth kids and freaks disliked me. I've always just had this feeling I don't belong here and it gets worse as I get older. I have to put on a mask of normalcy but behind it there's nothing, I hate people as most people I do not connect with, I've grown detached from my girlfriend as she was a hookup that just stayed around and of course me being a dummy fell for her short lived charm. I'm not good looking, I hate everything about me, and I'm the most mediocre worker as per my learning disability sometimes its hard for me to retain the simplest things. I'm just a waste of sperm, who knows what potential life was wasted because I swam a little faster to the egg. The only pleasure I get is fantasizing of a better life, I want to kick the bucket badly but I'm just afraid of what happens after ward, in short I'm just a lousy human and don't deserve anything.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, it is this life that is the problem rather than myself. I should have never been born in the first place, I was perfectly fine not existing until I was forced to live. I do not exactly feel damaged, instead I feel as though I am not meant for this world and there is nothing for me here. I am tired of living and for me personally it makes a lot of sense for me to want to leave this life.

 

[Niko66]

Came defective with mental illness but parents and other crappy people sure did a good job at the damage part.

 

[Al Cappella]

I don't feel I'm damaged, I know I am. It's a fact—shrivelled up, hyperactive little amygdala, brain lesions, and a life's history of dumb-fuckery. Now that's out of the way, every single human on this planet is damaged in some way, no one escapes it. The question just remains as to how badly…

 

[Lost Magic]

tbh, when I look at old pictures of myself as a little kid, I think what happened to that innocent person. Then I realised, it was society that fucked me over. It never wanted me to be happy in the first place.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Damaged by the circumstances of life.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I use to say I was broken, but broken infers that I was once ok, however I believe that I was born with borderline personality disorder so now I say defective.

 

[rationaltake]

Yes and yes. In pieces. Have DID.

 

[UnwantedUnlovable85]

tbh, when I look at old pictures of myself as a little kid, I think what happened to that innocent person. Then I realised, it was society that fucked me over. It never wanted me to be happy in the first place.

I feel that. Except in my case it's my former step kids. I remember they were pretty happy kids. Now, since I don't see them regularly like I used to Since my ex and I split 8 years ago I'm pretty saddened and disappointed with how their lives turned out and I kick myself for not being there when I should have. Only because they're mom wouldn't want me near them out of spite. But you're comment hit hard. It's like I think about the memories and think why the fuck did life half to squash such talented bright souls.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel that. Except in my case it's my former step kids. I remember they were pretty happy kids. Now, since I don't see them regularly like I used to Since my ex and I split 8 years ago I'm pretty saddened and disappointed with how their lives turned out and I kick myself for not being there when I should have. Only because they're mom wouldn't want me near them out of spite. But you're comment hit hard. It's like I think about the memories and think why the fuck did life half to squash such talented bright souls.

It is sad to think back on moments I had of hope and euphoria, intoxicated with purpose and inspiration. But my vision was not matched with hard work, discipline and follow through. I saw a quote once : follow your dreams … but do the math…

 

[UnwantedUnlovable85]

It is sad to think back on moments I had of hope and euphoria, intoxicated with purpose and inspiration. But my vision was not matched with hard work, discipline and follow through. I saw a quote once : follow your dreams … but do the math…

Same here

 

[bunnies]

i feel defective and have used these words before. i have long had a sense of feeling displaced, weird, like i don't fit in, and it's been from as early as i can remember. i think i was deeply affected by my trauma and it wasn't my fault but i do think from the time i was born i shouldn't have been here. that's the best way in general to describe my feelings of being defective, like the overwhelming knowledge that i am out of place in this world and i am not supposed to be here

 

[whatevs]

I feel like I am damaged and defective, but I was only defective from the get-go, the damage was accrued later.

 

[Nati]

Kinda. I feel disabled. I want to do a lot. I can do a lot. Physically and financially I have a smooth road but I just feel stuck in place.
A - because I know it's useless so I stop even trying to do stuff. Even when I do things that I "like" and love the idea of doing them it's simply doesn't stay with me. Nothing excites me and even if I do something that I planned for a long time ,at the end of the day I feel exactly as before. Nothing.
B - because almost every encounter with the outside world is giving me anxiety. It's mostly physical. In my brain I feel fine and know there is nothing to feel scared from but even thinking of going to work or even simply ordering pizza and knowing I'll have to interact with the delivery guy makes my body tense and my heart rate rise. I feel like I'm in a state of "plant" where I'm stuck in a paralyzed body but completely aware of everything

 

[SparkleWater]

both

 

[Judy Garland]

The world, including my parents, grandparents, etc. made me an invalid. The world doesn't want me, and it never did.

 

[Kismet]

Very. I didn't used to think I was the problem, but I'm sure of it now. I push anyone away that remotely gets close. I'm always very award, never have anything interesting to talk about. I can't relate to many people, i'm short-sighted, no long-term goals or plan. I only care about myself and my dogs but I would do just about anything for another person and I can't say no so that usually ends up work me giving away my money when they all them I get angry am myself and it comes out on everyone else.

Thanks for giving me the chance to say all of this. What about you?

 

[jimmy7754]

I hate myself.. I think as I got older I got dumber and dumber.. instead of wiser..

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Very. I didn't used to think I was the problem, but I'm sure of it now. I push anyone away that remotely gets close. I'm always very award, never have anything interesting to talk about. I can't relate to many people, i'm short-sighted, no long-term goals or plan. I only care about myself and my dogs but I would do just about anything for another person and I can't say no so that usually ends up work me giving away my money when they all them I get angry am myself and it comes out on everyone else.

Thanks for giving me the chance to say all of this. What about you?

It's so strange when I was reading what you wrote … I thought maybe I had written it myself… At least the part about doing anything for other people…
Lacking any ability to stand up for myself I was always taking people out for dinner and giving people money who needed it … Excessively wining and dining friends and partners… When we feel bad about ourselves we are easily Manipulated and ripped off…
There comes a point when you realize you are broken and cannot be fixed… Decades of therapy and anti-depressants were ultimately useless if not destructive.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Yes. I have always felt like this since my early childhood. Traumas,abuses,neglect, and many times even tortures have literally damaged me mentally, physically and emotionally. I have never felt that I am able enough or not that defective to survive and thrive in this world.

 

[Kismet]

It's so strange when I was reading what you wrote … I thought maybe I had written it myself… At least the part about doing anything for other people…
Lacking any ability to stand up for myself I was always taking people out for dinner and giving people money who needed it … Excessively wining and dining friends and partners… When we feel bad about ourselves we are easily Manipulated and ripped off…
There comes a point when you realize you are broken and cannot be fixed… Decades of therapy and anti-depressants were ultimately useless if not destructive.

Yes, exactly what you said has so much meaning and is spot on! Very easily manipulated and very much broken. Maybe it's for the attention or to see someone else happy with what I'm doing for them? Something like that anyway. You definitely pegged it on the nose about not being able to stand up. Maybe that's why I push everyone away cause I know they'll ask for something or imply it and I'll do it no matter the cost. Just say no doesn't work lol it took me to my late 30's to figure it out.

I haven't had the therapy or the prescribed medication, though I went through a phase of a few street drugs that really helped turn evening off for a period of time and it was for sure destructive

 

[sadandlonely]

Definitely damaged and defective.

 

[its-about-time]

Do you feel like you've always been like this?

Yep. Think I realize it more and more as the years go by. Biggest realization last November. I've given up on "getting/being better" since then and honestly it's a good feeling letting go of pointless hope that I can ever live a satisfying life.

 

[Heartaches]

I've always felt defective, I've been damaged quite a lot over the years and I honestly doubt I can ever be "repaired". I'll always be broken no matter what, I'll never fit in anywhere.​

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Right now I just feel bored

None of the usual things work anymore and I never even tried hard drugs

Video games
Sex
Workaholism
Drinking

None of them really do it . Hedonic treadmill has stopped for me

 

[UnravelingWinter]

I feel very deeply hurt, like nothing can make it right.