Do you fear actually going through with ctb

[FuneralCry]

I think that for me, what is holding me back from attempting and is keeping me here is because ctb is not easy. I think that if I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit, I think that I would have no fears and I would feel relieved that there is a way out of this life for me, but the problem is that I have limited access to methods. Many of the easily accessible methods like hanging and drowning sound so horrible and hanging does scare me because of the fear of failure. So while I do not fear death at all, and the thought of non existence is so comforting, the thought of attempting does scare me, because of the chance that something could go wrong and make my life worse. It's terrible how it has to be this way, of course dying should not be so difficult.

Non existence ends all suffering and is freedom from everything that is so wrong with life. Existence is extremely pointless, and I see no point to enduring life all for the sake of it. If someone wants to die, then they should be able to exit peacefully with no complicated internet research and ordering things online. It really is a selfish, cruel society that wants to trap people in lives filled with pain. Those who die are lucky, a peaceful death is the best possible thing that could happen. We have already suffered enough in life, so we should not have to suffer when we are trying to leave.

 

[rationaltake]

It's like having tooth-ache. I want my tooth to be fixed so I can be pain-free but I don't want the ordeal of going to the dentist.

I think people on the whole don't actually mean they want to die. What they really mean is they want to be dead.

 

[Jrmull1993]

Thanks for sharing. For me personally, I'm excited for my early exit. My greatest fear is something or someone intervening.
@rationaltake

Well said!

 

[27clubBRIAN]

I definitely can relate , if I had some heroin or some fentanyl I'd be absolutely dead by now , resorting to hanging is gonna be painful , I can't see it being peaceful but it's really all I have left , you're right though people shouldn't have to go through all this because they wanna exit early

 

[jossstick]

You're right, ctb is not easy and I wish it was. The part that terrifies me is if for some reason, it doesn't work. I will try attempt number 2 in a completely different way (EB this time) and I keep re-reading fightingsioux's post because of the clarity and reassurance he gives - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/inert-gas-cylinder-regulator-general-refresher-summary.30657/

 

[absurd_to_the_end]

I want to not exist. I fear making the decisions that get me there - which method? when? is this really right for me? I don't trust myself to make those decisions, and that instills fear.

 

[Hope:-)]

I have found a relatively peaceful method. I was thinking of livestreaming it so it feels like I have people there with me as I pass...although that may creep some people out. I thought that I may find this comforting. I saw that someone did that in the sn successes thread.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I have no fear of death. I fear being stuck continuing to breathe for an unknown length of time, perhaps decades, if I can't successfully ctb. And I fear the process of dying insofar as, how long it will take, will it hurt badly, etc (dependent on how I actually die, like if I'm stuck here until my "natural" end, which could be any one of many horribly drawn out things).

 

[Burner1234]

Yes, I fear an afterlife and what waits on the other side.

 

[Un-]

If I had the methods of my choice, like SN, N, or a gun, I'd kill myself in a heart beat. I've done my research, I've seen videos and everything and I'm confident on how to do it. I'm not scared of an afterlife because.. If there is one, you're gonna go there anyways. I don't have any loved ones, pets or anything. I don't have anything I enjoy.

Quite frankly, if by some chance I woke up with a gun in my hand, I'd kill myself right then and there in my jam-jams heh.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I thought that I may find this comforting.

@Hope:-) Be in control of your own exit. If you find it comforting, than go for it. Don't feel pressured by anyone, regardless of whether it's someone in your life, or on this forum.

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid that when I do attempt to ctb that I'm going to feel pain, or that while unconscious, I'll be plunged into a nightmare. I know it's not a matter of if I try, it's only a matter of time. I can't keep living my life like this. I'm suffering too much, eventually I'm just going to "throw in the towel".

 

[Yavannah]

i dont fear going through with it..
im also not afraid of pain or of a possible afterlife
my fear is the thought of failing
waking up in hospital being a vegetable is a nightmare im having almost every night now..
i've failed at everything in my life and i just cant imagine to finally do something right? that something works out for me
it just seems to good to be true…

 

[that_guy2611]

Yes I am afraid, otherwise i would have done it 4 years ago when i got the N from this forum's (former) beloved vet.
It's not the dying part that i'm scared of but what might happen if I survive.

 

[JonL666]

I get that, same reason I'm still here, I had a friend who attempted to exit by jumping off the cliffs but it failed and he is brain damaged, I tried heroin as that is painless but somebody intervined and now no dealer will go near me I live in a small town word gets around and a death is bad for business, I'm not really savvy with crypto currancy and how to get N or SN, a train just seems to violent but I do keep thinking of that or charcoal, It's an intolerable cruelty for that it's just so hard to exit and get away from the suffering that is this world

 

[miserableforever]

I'm more worried about what comes after death. Not a religious person by any means and I am kinda lost in that department. I'm such an overthinker and dwell on literally nothing for months.

What if things get worse after ctb, what if I'll be aware forever of the fact I left people behind?
How does everyone else on here cope with these thoughts?

 

[Rapière]

I'm more worried about what comes after death. Not a religious person by any means and I am kinda lost in that department. I'm such an overthinker and dwell on literally nothing for months.

What if things get worse after ctb, what if I'll be aware forever of the fact I left people behind?
How does everyone else on here cope with these thoughts?

The best way to cope with these thoughts is to realize how irrational and absurd they are.

There is no metaphysical substance to your being that could live on somewhere else after your death. You are composed entirely of matter and energy which can only exist in the framework of this reality. Hence, there is no more 'You' once the atoms in your body stop cooperating.

In other words, we come from nothing and we go back to nothing.

 

[Insomniac]

if I had a way to break into my dentists office, still some anesthetic, inject it into my hand, open my radial artery completely, let the blood flow into a bucket..

I'd be good. But anybodies way of dying feels impossible rn. I'm only comfortable when death is cause by blood leaving my body. everything else seem to freak me out.

I wish I could just hang myself honestly. but I just can't push the chair away.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

The more of a chance that I'll succeed, the less scared I'll be.

 

[beautifulinception]

I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of the consequences of failing. Even then, not so much for myself - but for my family, who would be on the hook for my medical bills. I don't care so much about being left a vegetable, honestly, but I don't want them to end up in poverty because of me. If I had a magical button that instantly killed me, I'd pound it without hesitation.

 

[slushy]

Yeah, it's one of the things holding me back for sure. I hate all the painful, grisly methods I'm forced to choose from. Why can't I just be let go peacefully like an animal?

 

[nopride86]

I fear, or at least have anxiety about, the final moments. Will I be too aware of what's happening? Will I regret not suffering to old age? Will I feel guilt when taking my last breath?

But what I truly fear is my mind. Death, even near-death, is truly foreign to me. Would I turn into an animal? Would I lose my composure once I'm at the point of no return? Will I hallucinate grotesque and scary things, or worse, not hallucinate but actually see what's behind the veil?

Idk. I hate not fully knowing. I'm the type of person that must know every detail of even the simplest things, even when knowing too much makes me crazy. CTB directly challenges the need for control at all times.

 

[Theanswer]

I have found a relatively peaceful method. I was thinking of livestreaming it so it feels like I have people there with me as I pass...although that may creep some people out. I thought that I may find this comforting. I saw that someone did that in the sn successes thread.

I didn't read that. Wondering if you're talking about Moonicide? She just had one person who was there via video with her.

 

[ilivebecuzicantdie]

I do occasionally fear that I will regret it right before I pass away but I think the thing I am most afraid of is failing. I don't really fear death. I'm fine with whatever it'll be afterwards. I just really don't wanna fail

 

[Lost Magic]

I think it would be worse to keep having to talk about wanting to die but never going through with it. I feel like I have already served my time in this hellscape. I truly do believe that this life is only for the lucky few and the rest of us are just playing a really cruel, waiting game. I have my method, my will is written. It's time to die.

 

[Hope:-)]

I'm a little scared but I know that for me it's my best option. The fear is worse at some time's than other times and sometimes there's none really at all. Today I've even felt kind of excited about the next life.x

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yeh am scared, I feel like if I took sn I might freak out midway through and call someone...but N or sn are my best bet and what I'm leaning towards now. If I can get N I think I'll be ok. It's getting real now, I'm not sure if I ever could've gone through with hanging-although one doesn't know until they put the rope around their neck I suppose. I just keep second guessing myself.

I have to keep telling myself it's better to plan your death and know what to expect (as much as possible) than wait for a natural long-drawn out death that I don't get to choose and don't know what will happen or how long it'll last. I can't get out of death so I'm gonna try and pick the best way.

 

[Klophy]

Yeah, i'm terrified of all of it.

I'm terrified of most of the methods, I want a peaceful way out, life is hurtful enough as it is.

I'm scared of it not working, and leaving me with side effects.

I'm scared of the uncertainty of what happens afterwards. Is there an afterlife? Would i be stuck with feeling how i felt before?

And mostly regret. Will i regret it? Is something waiting for me around the corner? Will i get lucky and find something to give me joy?

So many different worries stop me from doing it but it also increases my desire to go. I hate it here.