Discussion Do you ever predict when your depression or SI will worsen?

[spiderlily]

I've gotten back to feeling "normal" for...a week? It felt a lot longer, but I realized it was only a week ago I kept breaking down. Today I did some work, prepped some meals, and that all sounds like a good day in my book. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm not letting depression affect my lifestyle too much right now.

But while eating dinner I just felt this sudden pang and thought: "I'm going to want to die constantly again soon. I'm going to hate myself more soon. I'm going to feel really really shitty again soon."

Not like the "damn depression always comes back eventually" kind of thing, but more so I just felt like in the upcoming days, I would slip (probably for no real reason even--maybe because finals will be over so I'll be less busy and stuck with my thoughts? Not sure). I'm scared and nervous that I won't be able to keep everything under control next week for who knows how long.

Can anyone else relate? What do you do when you catch yourself slipping, but know you can't afford to let things show or affect your other obligations?

 

[Imaginos]

Well, for me, there are times where my sense of depression will break suddenly. Maybe for an hour, or sometimes even more rarely, for like half the day. I have no idea how this happens, but a part of me certainly wishes it happened more often. At the same time, the direct consequence of these neutral moments is an intensification afterwards of my usual miserable disposition, on account of the stark contrast to suddenly not feeling it as potently. In that sense, I can predict that the crash back to my otherwise default state will be hard and brutal. For instance, just yesterday I had a small break in my crappy feelings that, as always, happened completely out of the blue, but today I'm feeling even worse for having felt that way to begin with. I guess you could refer to it like a hangover of sorts and, like a hangover, there's eventually a stabilization to something that isn't as viscerally excruciating.

 

[spiderlily]

In that sense, I can predict that the crash back to my otherwise default state will be hard and brutal. For instance, just yesterday I had a small break in my crappy feelings that, as always, happened completely out of the blue, but today I'm feeling even worse for having felt that way to begin with. I guess you could refer to it like a hangover of sorts and, like a hangover, there's eventually a stabilization to something that isn't as viscerally excruciating.

Thanks for sharing. I relate to how it hits extra hard after getting a break...I thought my break was "normal" but if it only lasts days whereas the depression never ends, maybe the latter is my "default"

Maybe it's because catching a break gives us unrealistic expectations. Or just ruins our built up tolerance.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I used to get breaks from my depression, sometimes weeks and even months on end, but that hasn't happened in the past 3-4 years. Now I am constantly under water, drowning and yet not dying.

I'm scared and nervous that I won't be able to keep everything under control next week for who knows how long.

I am also scared. I am scared this is what I am going to feel like for the rest of my days.

All the best to you @spiderlily ((hugs))

 

[spiderlily]

Now I am constantly under water, drowning and yet not dying.

This. It's scary when this feels like a hopeless fixed state. I hope you catch a break soon...Wishing you all the best as well.