Venting Do you ever just feel like you're wired wrong

[gutsofanangel444]

I don't know how to explain it, and I know I'm not unique or individual in feeling this way but I just always feel like I have some sort of genetic mutation internally that's condemned me to eternal misery and unfulfillment. I've always felt so misunderstood and like I just can't function in life like everybody else does. I'm only 19 but there's no way that I can go on like this and I honestly don't want to. I see the futility and mundanity in life before I'm able to see the beauty in it, I think that's one of my biggest problems. I've attempted in the past but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it again. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I'm a coward, or maybe I'm not even that sick anymore.

 

[m4rius]

I am wired "wrong" in the sense that my brain wiring is making me suffer a whole lot more than it should.

Some people suffer more, and some less despite having gone through the same trauma or worse.

Ever thought about that?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've always felt similar. Sometimes I've been distracted from noticing, but it's always been there even as a small child. It's so strange that so many people have similar feelings like that.

 

[dewdrop]

Yes, it's like I am not even in control of my own brain, I think there is something just wrong developmentally I get so curious about what exactly is happening in my brain when I have mood swings or dissociate or misperceptions, I wish I could know for sure.. Maybe it would feel less scary if I had an exact scientific explanation for everything wrong with me. Or maybe it would still suck just as much, because I know what's wrong, but still no way to fix it..

I feel like even the way I think is different. It sucks so bad. I wish I was like everyone else so I could make friends easier and relate to other people better. It's probably just the autism, but I wish there was a more specific diagnosis than that. I wish they could look into my brain and tell me what is going wrong. I've always wanted a thorough genetic test for that reason, too.

 

[joaosembraco12]

I don't really understand what you're feeling, I don't know if it's a case of depression or neurodivergence. Maybe both. I felt different from everyone else too, strange interactions, peculiar thoughts, and in the end I discovered I was autistic. I thought that with the autism diagnostic report that things would change, that I would get better and solve my problems, but it turns out that wasn't the case, I've tried all kinds of medication, therapy and nothing works. Anyway, maybe it will help you to get a psychiatric evaluation. In my case it didn't solve anything, but it at least gave me hope, which was enough for me to go back to college, to study again, to exercise and everything else. It didn't last long, but it was a little more time to survive, not that I was happy during that period, but I had hope. If it's of any value to you, then maybe it'll help.

 

[gottacheckout]

Yep, my wiring is totally screwed up. Has been that way all my life. I'm only in control of my brain 75% of the time, the rest of the time it's perception of reality is not close to accurate.

 

[gutsofanangel444]

I don't really understand what you're feeling, I don't know if it's a case of depression or neurodivergence. Maybe both. I felt different from everyone else too, strange interactions, peculiar thoughts, and in the end I discovered I was autistic. I thought that with the autism diagnostic report that things would change, that I would get better and solve my problems, but it turns out that wasn't the case, I've tried all kinds of medication, therapy and nothing works. Anyway, maybe it will help you to get a psychiatric evaluation. In my case it didn't solve anything, but it at least gave me hope, which was enough for me to go back to college, to study again, to exercise and everything else. It didn't last long, but it was a little more time to survive, not that I was happy during that period, but I had hope. If it's of any value to you, then maybe it'll help.

Yeah I am diagnosed both with ASD and MDD & I understand that those things often change an individuals patterns of thinking but it just feels like there's something deeper than that that only allows me to see the world pessimistically and I hate it, any sense of happiness is clouded and similarly to you, no therapy of meditation has been able to counteract that.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Every day

 

[wham311]

I was born with essentially zero good qualities. Yes I'm wired horribly.

 

[Raikou]

wired DIFFERENTLY

 

[Archness]

Yes.

Mostly autisim it seems. Often it feels like I'm simply defective... No natural aptitude for anything, no innate understanding of other humans. Like I'm outright defective, and it's literally everything "I" am, speaking in terms of neurology.

It's really awful. There's many people here who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent.

 

[Kittywuzhere.]

I don't know how to explain it, and I know I'm not unique or individual in feeling this way but I just always feel like I have some sort of genetic mutation internally that's condemned me to eternal misery and unfulfillment. I've always felt so misunderstood and like I just can't function in life like everybody else does. I'm only 19 but there's no way that I can go on like this and I honestly don't want to. I see the futility and mundanity in life before I'm able to see the beauty in it, I think that's one of my biggest problems. I've attempted in the past but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it again. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I'm a coward, or maybe I'm not even that sick anymore.

Your not broken your bent, many people on this platform can def relate to this as alot of us have some sort of mental illness or neurodivergence and it's ok, it's really fucking hard because society was not made for people like us but you aren't alone. I've felt the same my whole life and from what i've found there are lots of people here just like you. It feels like everyone was given an instruction manual that you weren't like your drowning and everyone else knows how to swim but you and nobody will help but even if we're all drowning we're drowning together, and I think that makes it a little less painful

 

[SchizoGymnast]

My brain literally is wired wrong. I have a brain injury.

 

[Aplev]

Curious because I recently made a post exactly about this, though I called it a bit more technically, "different biology" instead of "wired differently", I guess the latter is a more friendly term and more people can understand it. Anyways, speaking of different biology/wired differently, can't really help using specific speech patterns (though I try my best to be aware of it and change it/adapt it accordingly).

Am I autist, am I HSP, am I HSS, ADHD, Asperger, DID, OCD, NPD, BPD, have an anxiety disorder, somewhere in-between, all of them? I don't know, at some point they're all labels, and I've been given many diagnosis and every therapist I've ever met has proven over and over again to be incompetent and uncapable of grasping even the basics of how I feel and work (some have even made it worse and I fell into the 'I have to go to therapy for my therapy'). It's a science. One that leaves me completely recluded from society. And it becomes clearer and clearer the more I grow up and the differences become more and more apparent and obvious.

 

[Bowerbird]

I have a long family history of mental illness, and I definitely inherited those faulty genes. I was born defective

I'm so quiet because sometimes I LITERALLY CAN'T TALK MUCH but also I'm not intellectually impaired. Was always "not disabled enough to get help even though I TRIED TO SEEK IT, but not normal enough to fit in normally."