Venting Do you ever hate the one you love most?

[The Blackangel]

I've been with my wife for 14 years. We've been married for 10 of those 14 years. For the most part our relationship is great, and truth be told, couldn't be better. But there is something I can't stand. When we initially got together I told her that I didn't want to know anything about her previous sex life. Literally nothing. I was never naive enough to think she was a virgin. But that didn't mean I had interest. But she then goes on through our relationship and tells me things that I already told her I didn't want to know. One in particular really makes me wonder if I should stick around. It can be seen as petty as hell to some, but major league to others. She told me that she had anal sex with her previous boyfriends. More info than I ever wanted. But what really hit was that she refused to do it with me. I'm not trying to say that anal sex is important. But what I am saying is why not with me? Am I not good enough for her? Does she not actually love me enough? Did they mean more to her than I do? Does she want to go back to them? So because of that I now catch myself telling her things about my previous sex life with malicious intent. It's almost like I actually want to hurt her. I don't want to lose her, but sometimes I don't think I can stay with her. About 2 weeks ago I had written my goodbye letter and made a quick goodbye video. She came home and saw me with my 38 in my chin and my finger on the trigger. She went nuts and fought me for the gun. Which was another thing that pisses me off, because she promised me long ago that when/if I decide to CTB, she won't try to stop me. That it's my choice. Well she broke that promise.

So what do I do at this point?

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Yes and it hurts me everyday. She died but the coroner couldnt be certain it was suicide but she told me id never see her again before she left, checked into a hotel and had a hypoglycemic attack, she was type 1 diabetic found with an empy insulin pen, maybe just unlucky but im now almost certain she did it to herself. Not only did i loose her, people blaimed me because we argued the day of and i didnt get up off the sofa to stop her going out, shed been violent so i just sat there. Ive now got no family, friends, it was all over the papers online with pictures of us, my job is now in jepordy as i work for the NHS and been sectioned twice with suicidal ideation, drug taking etc, now broke, cant leave the house in fear of bumping into people i know or being recognised.

Hell, the more i think about it the more i think just kill myself, shes already started the process. How could she not think how this would effect me, did she hate me that much right then.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

[QUOTE="The Blackangel,

Unfortunatly your gonna have to either have an open conversation with her or literally just forget it. My first thought would be if she loves me but wont let me then maybe something went wrong with the others, maybe she infact didnt like it or just wants us to be different. Aslong as sex as a whole ks good i wouldnt worry too much

 

[Threads]

I think that you should readjust and see how you view your wife. I understand that you did not want to know your wife's previous sexual activity, but sex it a biological imperative. It is hardwired into us.

If your upset about the fact that your wife had sex with multiple partners before you, I think you have some issues of your own to work out and address. There is nothing wrong with women (or men) having sex with as many people as they would like. I think that rule changes when they are in a committed monogamist relationship, but ultimately a woman (And man) can have sex with whomever they want, as many times as they want, and however they want. Now I'm not implying this, but maybe it would be beneficial for you to hear this. No one has possession over anyone else.

Anal sex is painful. Yes, it can feel good. But the act itself is painful. I think that you need to have a sit down conversation with your wife about your feelings. I think it is good that you came here, posted, and put your feelings out on 'paper.' But you should go into this conversation with the understanding that your partners sexual history should not be brought up in a negative connotation, at all. You can have a discussion with your partner about your feelings with how hurtful it was to hear about something that you didn't want to hear about, and communicate to her about this. But any form of shaming is unacceptable and wrong.

Being malicious with your wife about your previous sexual activity as a means of causing her pain is unacceptable. You need to be honest with her and yourself about your feelings and why you feel the way that you do. My wife has told me that she would not stop me from CTBing. If my wife walked in on me with my .380 at my throat, she would fight with my over the gun. I expect that of her. I (And anyone here) can't just expect that someone who loves me is just going to let me kill myself in front of them, or even when they are in the same house, or vicinity as me. Can you imagine how much guilt my wife would feel if she just stood there or walked out of the room while I held a pistol to my head? It's not realistic or fair to that sort of expectation for anyone.

I think that you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself and your wife.

 

[Jen Erik]

But she then goes on through our relationship and tells me things that I already told her I didn't want to know.

Disregard for a partner's feelings like that is shitty.

Perhaps you two have differing sets of values, and I am not referring to attitudes or opinions regarding sexuality.

Some people believe that absolutely everything experienced throughout the entirety of their life must be shared with their partner and the partner must absolutely accept every aspect of that lived experience. Others take a less hardline approach: not all details need to be shared, especially with regard to life before the relationship. Neither approach - or any variation - makes a relationship inherently more or less healthy.

 

[The Blackangel]

I think that you should readjust and see how you view your wife. I understand that you did not want to know your wife's previous sexual activity, but sex it a biological imperative. It is hardwired into us.

If your upset about the fact that your wife had sex with multiple partners before you, I think you have some issues of your own to work out and address. There is nothing wrong with women (or men) having sex with as many people as they would like. I think that rule changes when they are in a committed monogamist relationship, but ultimately a woman (And man) can have sex with whomever they want, as many times as they want, and however they want. Now I'm not implying this, but maybe it would be beneficial for you to hear this. No one has possession over anyone else.

Anal sex is painful. Yes, it can feel good. But the act itself is painful. I think that you need to have a sit down conversation with your wife about your feelings. I think it is good that you came here, posted, and put your feelings out on 'paper.' But you should go into this conversation with the understanding that your partners sexual history should not be brought up in a negative connotation, at all. You can have a discussion with your partner about your feelings with how hurtful it was to hear about something that you didn't want to hear about, and communicate to her about this. But any form of shaming is unacceptable and wrong.

Being malicious with your wife about your previous sexual activity as a means of causing her pain is unacceptable. You need to be honest with her and yourself about your feelings and why you feel the way that you do. My wife has told me that she would not stop me from CTBing. If my wife walked in on me with my .380 at my throat, she would fight with my over the gun. I expect that of her. I (And anyone here) can't just expect that someone who loves me is just going to let me kill myself in front of them, or even when they are in the same house, or vicinity as me. Can you imagine how much guilt my wife would feel if she just stood there or walked out of the room while I held a pistol to my head? It's not realistic or fair to that sort of expectation for anyone.

I think that you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself and your wife.

Thank you. I think I needed that kick in the ass. Like I said in my initial post, I wasn't naive enough to think she was a virgin. Without having known her for 5 minutes I knew she wasn't. That was just common sense. But being told about her previous sex life, is just something that may be more than I can handle. I understand sitting down and talking this out with her, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear any more of this. I'm worried that every time I look at her this is what I'm going to see. Sometimes, I have to go to another room, and just find something else to distract the hell out of me.

I know she's not my property. I don't want her to be. I want her to be my equal not my slave.

Maybe I'm more fucked up that I realize.