Do you ever fight with your own thoughts?

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Lately I've been fighting hard with my own mind. I want to CTB so badly, but I also want to live and have a future with my fiance.

It hurts. I don't know what to do.. I want to live and be in love, but my head urges me to end my life... Any support would do right now..


~ H

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I have and have always had a weird split in my personality. What I think and what I feel are often utterly separate and distinct. I just can't marry them up. Sends me in opposing directions and makes my attitude quite conflicted.
I don't know if other people suffer from a similar thing because people don't understand what I mean if I talk about it.
You said it hurts, indicating emotion, but your head urges you to ctb. Do you have a similar conflict? I guess you have to work out which is stronger, what you think or what you feel.
I spend a lot of time with my internal conflict but in the end it's usually my emotions that win.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Every single day. I really want to CTB but my heart isn't letting me because of the hope of my true love coming back to me.

It's so painful, I feel like I'm stuck and I can't get out. I want to have love in my life too, I want him back in my life, more than anything. I hope you can fight these suicidal thoughts and urges and live a wonderful life with your fiance. I understand how you feel, I really do. Please know that I'm always here if you ever need to talk.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Lately I've been fighting hard with my own mind. I want to CTB so badly, but I also want to live and have a future with my fiance.

It hurts. I don't know what to do.. I want to live and be in love, but my head urges me to end my life... Any support would do right now..


~ H

Hey friend, your message resonates deeply in me and I feel you.
I can relate to that polarised position of wanting to be better guy and getting on the straight and narrow, sticking it to 'the man' and coming up a new and improved me, but also wanting to toss myself on the scrap heap, like an old photo that is just irrelevant to life these days.
Im sorry there is such pain and conflict in you, I sincerely hope that you can find some light in this darkness and that what draws you to the bus stop can be eclipsed and eliminated by the good that could come in your life (and I hope that in venting your spleen here, it is a step in the right direction for you).
I wish you peace and light on you path friend.
DBD

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I have and have always had a weird split in my personality. What I think and what I feel are often utterly separate and distinct. I just can't marry them up. Sends me in opposing directions and makes my attitude quite conflicted.
I don't know if other people suffer from a similar thing because people don't understand what I mean if I talk about it.
You said it hurts, indicating emotion, but your head urges you to ctb. Do you have a similar conflict? I guess you have to work out which is stronger, what you think or what you feel.
I spend a lot of time with my internal conflict but in the end it's usually my emotions that win.

Thank you for your response. I am just incredibly confused with myself. Both of these feelings are emotional to me, which makes it very difficult for me to fight.

Every single day. I really want to CTB but my heart isn't letting me because of the hope of my true love coming back to me.

It's so painful, I feel like I'm stuck and I can't get out. I want to have love in my life too, I want him back in my life, more than anything. I hope you can fight these suicidal thoughts and urges and live a wonderful life with your fiance. I understand how you feel, I really do. Please know that I'm always here if you ever need to talk.

Thank you kindly. It is a hard battle to fight alone. I am frustrated with my thoughts..

I will keep that in mind. x

Hey friend, your message resonates deeply in me and I feel you.
I can relate to that polarised position of wanting to be better guy and getting on the straight and narrow, sticking it to 'the man' and coming up a new and improved me, but also wanting to toss myself on the scrap heap, like an old photo that is just irrelevant to life these days.
Im sorry there is such pain and conflict in you, I sincerely hope that you can find some light in this darkness and that what draws you to the bus stop can be eclipsed and eliminated by the good that could come in your life (and I hope that in venting your spleen here, it is a step in the right direction for you).
I wish you peace and light on you path friend.
DBD

Your comment means a lot to me. In no way do you come off as a dead beat dad... Lol. x

I am hoping I can win this and live for my future, but in the mean time, I am struggling immensely and the way people have been treating me does not help at all.

 

[NotMeant2B]

Uh, I don't know if it's the same as you, since I would ctb regardless of whether I happen to find "happiness" or not; but I have constant urges to feel loved, cared for, caressed, receive attention, being a priority to someone and all of that. I would always fight those urges, and I know that, if someone ever wanted to get close to me, I would never allowed them, and would rather remain alone.

I know that my mind, being dominated by the biological part of my brain, would insist on looking for a deeper human connection, but I won't allow it. And it's painful, I would lose my mind everytime, but I won't let it win. I know I'm being stubborn, but I have my reasons, I don't care if they are stupid or not, it's my decision.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thank you for your response. I am just incredibly confused with myself. Both of these feelings are emotional to me, which makes it very difficult for me to fight.


Thank you kindly. It is a hard battle to fight alone. I am frustrated with my thoughts..

I will keep that in mind. x

Ah I see, conflicting emotions. Really tough to deal with. I believe that in most cases, each of us already knows deep down how we really feel, it's just hard to know it because of all the other emotional noise. Thinking about it adds to the noise and makes it even worse. And sometimes there is no answer, the only option is to accept the conflicting emotions somehow.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Uh, I don't know if it's the same as you, since I would ctb regardless of whether I happen to find "happiness" or not; but I have constant urges to feel loved, cared for, caressed, receive attention, being a priority to someone and all of that. I would always fight those urges, and I know that, if someone ever wanted to get close to me, I would never allowed them, and would rather remain alone.

I know that my mind, being dominated by the biological part of my brain, would insist on looking for a deeper human connection, but I won't allow it. And it's painful, I would lose my mind everytime, but I won't let it win. I know I'm being stubborn, but I have my reasons, I don't care if they are stupid or not, it's my decision.

It's not stupid. I completely understand. You are entitled to feel the way you do and to respond to your feelings the way you see fit. If someone judges you for that, they are not worth your breath. x

 

[shevawc]

Lately I've been fighting hard with my own mind. I want to CTB so badly, but I also want to live and have a future with my fiance.

It hurts. I don't know what to do.. I want to live and be in love, but my head urges me to end my life... Any support would do right now..


~ H

Hello, well although I feel that maybe a stranger on the Internet cannot be sympathetic towards your feelings, I completely understand you. My head just won't shut up. It is constantly on fire. I feel the same. I want to CTB but on the other hand I want to have a nice future with my girlfriend. You can read about my mental problems here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/hello-im-a-new-member-and-here-is-my-story.35715/ maybe you feel more understanded.

My understanding is that you are not still ready to CTB so I would say stay and fight and see how things turn out. It may be a good trip you never know.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Ah I see, conflicting emotions. Really tough to deal with. I believe that in most cases, each of us already knows deep down how we really feel, it's just hard to know it because of all the other emotional noise. Thinking about it adds to the noise and makes it even worse. And sometimes there is no answer, the only option is to accept the conflicting emotions somehow.

I believe that over time I will come to a more solid decision rather than floating around in limbo, confused and scared.

 

[Abaigh]

Yep always. Sometimes my mind creates this screaming in my thoughts just to stop the fighting.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Constantly. Mostly paranoia and giving up on what I truly want to fight for and keep. Every day is a struggle, but, am still here, so, I guess it is not my time just yet.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I believe that over time I will come to a more solid decision rather than floating around in limbo, confused and scared.

If you have the time to wait, then yes, I agree. I was actually trying to find a way to express that properly but you beat me to it.
I know it can sound like like a cop out soundbite, but I think most of the time we subconsciously already know the answers, we just need the patience to trust our concious minds to catch up eventually.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

If you have the time to wait, then yes, I agree. I was actually trying to find a way to express that properly but you beat me to it.
I know it can sound like like a cop out soundbite, but I think most of the time we subconsciously already know the answers, we just need the patience to trust our concious minds to catch up eventually.

I agree with this statement. If I do end up going, I promised the forum a goodbye thread, but I am trying hard to stick around.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I agree with this statement. If I do end up going, I promised the forum a goodbye thread, but I am trying hard to stick around.

I hope things resolve for you and I hope ideally that you do manage to stick around.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Holy cow I fight with my thoughts all the time! Sometimes I hear voices and I fight with those too. Sometimes they fight with each other. It's crazy up in this head of mine.

You are not alone in this. Feel free to start a PM with me because I get this. It's like a battlefield in your head. It's so tough and confusing. Both sides are pulling you in different directions they start to tear you in half. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Holy cow I fight with my thoughts all the time! Sometimes I hear voices and I fight with those too. Sometimes they fight with each other. It's crazy up in this head of mine.

You are not alone in this. Feel free to start a PM with me because I get this. It's like a battlefield in your head. It's so tough and confusing. Both sides are pulling you in different directions they start to tear you in half. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to

Thanks so much! Yes, this is exactly how it feels.. So unpleasant... I will have to take you up on your offer.. Sending PM... x

 

[whereispeace]

Yup. I'm constantly at war with myself, going over things in my head until it drives me crazy. My mind is a prison, and somehow I need to escape...soon.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Yup. I'm constantly at war with myself, going over things in my head until it drives me crazy. My mind is a prison, and somehow I need to escape...soon.

I totally understand how you're feeling. If you ever need someone to chat with, I'd be happy to. Much love. xo