Venting Do you ever feel like you haven't suffered enough

[mydeadflowers]

Despite my mental health issues, I feel like I have a very privileged life considering how I have a very supportive family, access to higher education, and a relatively decent part-time job in order to pay for education, food, and anything extraneous. It's true that I'm very lonely, but that's because of my tendency to isolate, so there's no one to blame but myself. I do have terrible gender dysphoria, it's difficult to look at politics without wanting to hang myself, but it's all in my head at the end of the day. I don't ever feel like I have the right to talk about how terrible I feel whenever I know people who have gone through so much worse, because at the end of the day everything I feel is all in my head. I feel like my issues are absolutely nothing compared to the problems many face in the real world, I don't understand why someone as ill as me was born with good opportunities. I hate that it constantly feels like I'm never able to reach my full potential due to my mental health. It could be that my poor mental state is a result of specific events that occurred within my life, and I've certainly tried confronting however I feel about these events directly to the absolute best of my ability, but I feel absolutely nothing in particular towards anything that could have resulted in me becoming who I am today. The only thing I feel is the desire to punish myself for my inability to do better as a person. The only thing preventing me from doing the absolute worst I possibly can to myself right now is the fact that I finally have goals in regards to academics and a career, and the fact that I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone in my life or cause any grief.

I can't tell if I want to become less of a nuisance, if I want pity, or both. I whine and self sabotage in hopes of being cared for, but I also feel like I'm being looked down upon when people in my life reach their hands out to me. I dislike everything I feel since it's all so jumbled up, I miss being able to hurt myself more. Perhaps I've become more of an adult, perhaps I've been making progress, but I constantly feel like I'm close to throwing everything away. I wish I was normal.

 

[Persik]

You compare yourself to others. It's not good. Of course, there are those who suffer more than us, but our feelings are just our feelings and we need to live them to the maximum, without forbidding ourselves to be sad or happy, despite the fact that others have no reason to be sad or happy. We are us, no matter how you look at it. Try not to rush anywhere, but ask yourself questions and answer them honestly: do I want self-pity? Try this feeling and evaluate it honestly. Maybe you'll come to the conclusion that you just need love? Or maybe you'll come to a conclusion that will surprise you. The main thing is honesty, it is the cornerstone.
Uh, it's written very haphazardly. I'm sorry, I just want to sleep.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

It's precisely because of what I've had and accomplished that I feel I've suffered more than enough: life feels like a half-measure, a glass ceiling, a twisted wish turned into a frustrating reality. Yes, I had a good family, but I was bullied to the point of trauma all my childhood and most of my adolescence; I have good friends, but they live far away and are almost always busy with their work or their couples; I live a comfortable life by my country's standards, but I had to work for everything I achieved, academic or professional handouts; I'm told I'm brilliant at what I do, but good work is scarce and other jobs pay terribly. I was this close to having the life I dreamed of...and it all came crashing down when she left, reopening past wounds, reinforcing the trauma, making me feel absolutely hopeless after all these years of suffering and effort and getting back up to fight only to be back on the floor.

"Oh, but you're looking at only the negatives in life", well, that's learned hopelessness to you, it's what a lifetime of trauma sprinkled with privilege gets you. Shitty as it may sound I have friends who had less and achieved "less", but they're happy: they have jobs they're satisfied with and almost all of them have someone special in their lives. I have a fucking pound of sodium nitrate under the bed. I'm sorry, back on track. This is something I used to tell people so they stop judging those with mental health issues, maybe it'll help you: "Picture a princess who's never suffered an entire day in her life, if one day they sleep with a pea under their pillow then they can rightfully call that the worst tragedy in their life." Suffering is relative. Pain is relative. Sometimes I wish I hadn't been given wings or the ability to fly high because it only made the fall worse...

 

[mydeadflowers]

You compare yourself to others. It's not good. Of course, there are those who suffer more than us, but our feelings are just our feelings and we need to live them to the maximum, without forbidding ourselves to be sad or happy, despite the fact that others have no reason to be sad or happy. We are us, no matter how you look at it. Try not to rush anywhere, but ask yourself questions and answer them honestly: do I want self-pity? Try this feeling and evaluate it honestly. Maybe you'll come to the conclusion that you just need love? Or maybe you'll come to a conclusion that will surprise you. The main thing is honesty, it is the cornerstone.
Uh, it's written very haphazardly. I'm sorry, I just want to sleep.

No need to apologize, I appreciate your reply. I suppose my biggest problem is that I don't know how to stop comparing myself to others. Having been treated as though I'm incompetent consistently throughout my life has probably contributed to me being very critical of myself, but it's gotten to a point where I don't know how to grow out of that. I don't socialize often anymore and I've grown too anxious to do so because of my self-esteem. I'm just sort of in a weird state of wanting to stop suffering since there seems to be hope of a happier life, but very unhealthy habits of mine that I engage with due to my mental health make me feel like that hope is a pipe dream. I'd like to treat myself better, but recovery is a slow process and I don't know how to accept that.

Not sure what to do, but I'll keep asking myself questions. Hope you slept well, and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

 

[Persik]

No need to apologize, I appreciate your reply. I suppose my biggest problem is that I don't know how to stop comparing myself to others. Having been treated as though I'm incompetent consistently throughout my life has probably contributed to me being very critical of myself, but it's gotten to a point where I don't know how to grow out of that. I don't socialize often anymore and I've grown too anxious to do so because of my self-esteem. I'm just sort of in a weird state of wanting to stop suffering since there seems to be hope of a happier life, but very unhealthy habits of mine that I engage with due to my mental health make me feel like that hope is a pipe dream. I'd like to treat myself better, but recovery is a slow process and I don't know how to accept that.

Not sure what to do, but I'll keep asking myself questions. Hope you slept well, and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Hi. Have you been to a psychologist? They're working on something like what you have. Self-denial is a fairly common thing today, unfortunately.
Oh, thank you, I hope you're feeling well and slept well)