Venting Do you ever feel like you deserve a painful death?

[SanguineShark]

I was described as a masochist by my psychologist a few times, and that's very very true. I hate myself and often do things either consciously or subconsciously to hurt myself or keep myself in pain, both physically, psychologically, emotionally and even sometimes sexually. My years of suffering caused me to see this depressed, awful state as a comfortable one because it's now familiar. Do I romanticize suffering and pain? Yes. It's what I'm used to and that's my unhealthy coping mechanism. I'm stuck in a downward spiral where my broken mental state causes me to suffer and then I start enjoying that suffering, prolonging it and causing me to be stuck in this pit of despair.
Sometimes I feel like my last moments should be painful, at least that's what I think I deserve, a pathetic and worthless shadow of a human.
I'm suffering from Stockholm syndrome with myself, I'm my own worst abuser.

 

[edu0z]

yeah

 

[Meimi18]

Yeah
It's too bad I'm scared of pain lol

 

[BlackMoon]

Rarely but it happens. Most of the times I want a painful death, it's more because my feelings are so hard and sharp I just want the most violent and fast ways to end myself.

 

[sserafim]

No, I think I deserve a peaceful one. My whole life has been constant pain (mainly due to neurodivergence), and I think I deserve some peace.

 

[Inuyasha]

Yes, I am a piece of shit

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I think I deserve a peaceful one. My whole life has been constant pain (mainly due to neurodivergence), and I think I deserve some peace.

Literally same here. I was going to say that I wanted a peaceful death too because I think I deserve some peace. Also same here with the neurodivergent part too. My life has been hell because of my atrocious neurotype

 

[february in alaska]

My years of suffering caused me to see this depressed, awful state as a comfortable one because it's now familiar. Do I romanticize suffering and pain? Yes. It's what I'm used to and that's my unhealthy coping mechanism. I'm stuck in a downward spiral where my broken mental state causes me to suffer and then I start enjoying that suffering, prolonging it and causing me to be stuck in this pit of despair.

I can relate to this all too much. Depression can be so comfortable. The path of least resistance, something I don't particularly feel like fighting

And it's so SO easy to aestheticize your mental illness these days (which objectively I think is a terrible thing, but as someone who has given up and doesn't give a shit about the ethical implications of it) so I definitely tend to romanticize suffering and SH and all of it too

I only like familiar pain, is the thing. So if it was reliable to CTB via cutting or something, I think I could do it. It's the fear of the unknown and probably a healthy dose of SI keeping me from choosing an intentionally painful method.

Do I deserve one? Probably. Am I going to try to make my death painful? Hell no

 

[SanguineShark]

I can relate to this all too much. Depression can be so comfortable. The path of least resistance, something I don't particularly feel like fighting

And it's so SO easy to aestheticize your mental illness these days (which objectively I think is a terrible thing, but as someone who has given up and doesn't give a shit about the ethical implications of it) so I definitely tend to romanticize suffering and SH and all of it too

I only like familiar pain, is the thing. So if it was reliable to CTB via cutting or something, I think I could do it. It's the fear of the unknown and probably a healthy dose of SI keeping me from choosing an intentionally painful method.

Do I deserve one? Probably. Am I going to try to make my death painful? Hell no

I get it, I don't think my state is healthy at all, but I still cope with memes idk
I can't help myself, so why not just enjoy the bad side? I just kinda gave up, that's how I live so I can at least make it more comfortable
Not saying anyone here should do so as well, just venting my personal feelings

 

[stage4johnny]

Good fuck no!!! I want to die easily,no pain!

 

[steppenwolf]

No I don't feel like I deserve a painful death. Not even for all my sins.

I like you.

 

[MythicalGriff]

Yeah man, there's a part of me that wants a quiet, easy death, somewhere I could just go to sleep and not wake up (but I'm not really interested in pills and meds and stuff) but there's an even bigger part of me that hates myself and wants me to suffer. Like sometimes I wish someone would just kidnap me and torture me either until I give up and beg for him to kill me, or I grow a thicker skin and come out of it stronger (unrealistic i know but let me dream). I just wish I was strong enough to ctb, but I'm afraid of hurting the people I love.

 

[TiredOfFailure]

Yeah, at times I feel like just setting myself on fire, maybe my sins will be cleansed just before my last breath. My self-hatred is strong but somehow I'm not masochistic, if someone were to cause me physical harm I'd be like "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and pulverize their head or at least try to.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

Yes I do. I am going to cut before CTBing so I can feel the pain. I am too much of a pussy to do especially painful methods though like stabbing myself.