Venting Do you ever feel like you are destined to CTB?

[CTB72]

Ok, well I've been on and off this site for a few years now. I keep trying to sort things out and hoping I'll be happy and able to continue my life. But I just keep going around in circles and the underlying depression and other issues just don't go away.
For example (a pretty minor one at that, but it all adds up!), I was looking to rent a bigger house so I'm able to give my son his own room when he comes to stay. I had my eye on the perfect house that had been available for a couple of months. Started trying to sort finances out and even selling my car to get extra cash. But the day I rang to book a viewing I was told it had just been rented! Its like the world just gives you the finger and tells you to go CTB it will never work out for you!
I'm just so sick of trying now and I've had SN and Meto ready for quite a while. Never been opened, just sat hidden away waiting for the day when its all too much. I think the day is fast approaching as I've really had enough and want it to stop!
Sorry for the rant, I know we all have issues

 

[Life_and_Death]

without going into, yes. if god exists (which i believe we are all our own god but if its the "normal god") im fairly confident he's the one bullying me into kms.
that was really unfair of them to rent it out underneath you like that

 

[evolutionerror]

I don't really believe in destiny, but I believe I my life will end by my own hands. If destiny or fate actually exist then it just re-affirms my belief that nothing we do here matters.

 

[drainganggggg]

ever since my first suicidal thoughts in 7th grade, i always knew in the back of my mind that i would ctb. unless i get into an accident or get murdered before i can attempt, i know with almost 100% certainly that i will ctb

 

[makethepainstop]

ever since my first suicidal thoughts in 7th grade, i always knew in the back of my mind that i would ctb. unless i get into an accident or get murdered before i can attempt, i know with almost 100% certainly that i will ctb

Me too, I just know I will and it will be soon. I just can't struggle much longer

 

[drainganggggg]

Me too, I just know I will and it will be soon. I just can't struggle much longer

i wish my attempt would be sooner. i want to try to finish school at least so when i ctb i don't have a bunch of people i hated acting like i was their friend. hopefully i'll exit sometime next year

 

[universe]

To answer your question, I always thought I was going to CTB one day and today I come to believe that it is my destiny. Could it have been otherwise? When I remake the film of my whole life, I wonder if another outcome would really be possible. I come to the conclusion that no.
When I was little, I wanted to take a break from life. I always wanted to die young and thought that I was going to die of a suicide, that it would be the cause of my death. Also, the statement "life is worth living" always seemed like nonsense to me, something wrong, I never understood what life was worth.

Courage in your difficulties.

 

[jodes2]

Even if it's 40 years from now I'm pretty sure I'll CTB

 

[StreetSweeper]

yep

 

[flightless bird]

I do.

 

[Felix007]

Ever since 8th grade ive pretty much "known" that if things dont turn around before im 30 that ill ctb, well im almost 26 now and they have never been so bad before..

 

[PressEnterToExit]

I'm tormented since I was a child so maybe yes.. I think some of us have a destiny. I used to think that I would never grow older, and that's what will happen.
No matter what I do I can't change things. If you look at history many people didn't have any other better choice than suicide. It's so strange that your best goal can be dying. But that's our goal.

 

[FuneralCry]

For such a long time I've always known that ctb is the right and the best thing for me, I would rather exit this life at a time of my own choosing rather than dying at a time out of my control anyway.
But yes, suicide will always be the most rational option for me because I despise life and I view it as just being unnecessary and endless suffering and problems that will continue to repeat. It's also so tedious. I have no interest in ageing, life as a concept is so useless, as humans all we have to look forward to is old age where we will deteriorate. None of this could ever be worth it no matter what and there is nothing here for me in this world, I've always found the thought of non existence to be incredibly comforting. I wish for permanent and dreamless sleep and to be finally free from everything.

 

[nopride86]

Yes, I've never wanted to reach this age and I'm somewhat shocked that I have (not in a good way). The truth is, I've been aware of what the second half of life brings and I really don't think I will mesh well with it. I'm not cut out for decades of suffering and making even more consolations until I'm left with nothing but dementia and regret.
Maybe I understood reality at too young of an age, I was probably 8 or 9 when I started to feel this way. But I also figured that something would have taken me by now and it hasn't….it's hard to even have a "final destination" moment when you're a hermit. So now it's up to me and by my own hand, which is somehow even harder because I fear physical pain and method failure over all else. If I could just get rid of that type of SI, I'd be gone immediately.

 

[willitpass]

i've believed since around 12 that one day i will die by suicide. even when i'm in a recovery phase i still have that feeling. i always made it my plan to never make it to 18, the thought of making it to adulthood was horrible to me. well it's a little late for that, and no other birthday feel significant to me anymore… i suppose if i make it to 30 that would be unfortunate. anyhow, that feeling is still very much there even after 3 failed attempts. part of my gut is telling me that this next attempt will be the end, part of me feels invincible considering all of the unlikely things i have survived

 

[cemetorium]

Yes. If I don't commit suicide it will be because I died from an accident or an illness.

 

[lifeisadream]

To ctb definitely isn't a new thing for me. It's been swimming around in my head for years now. Cutting is the only slight & temporary relief I get until I hop on that bus to what I hope will be eternal peace.

 

[peaches]

Ok, well I've been on and off this site for a few years now. I keep trying to sort things out and hoping I'll be happy and able to continue my life. But I just keep going around in circles and the underlying depression and other issues just don't go away.
For example (a pretty minor one at that, but it all adds up!), I was looking to rent a bigger house so I'm able to give my son his own room when he comes to stay. I had my eye on the perfect house that had been available for a couple of months. Started trying to sort finances out and even selling my car to get extra cash. But the day I rang to book a viewing I was told it had just been rented! Its like the world just gives you the finger and tells you to go CTB it will never work out for you!
I'm just so sick of trying now and I've had SN and Meto ready for quite a while. Never been opened, just sat hidden away waiting for the day when its all too much. I think the day is fast approaching as I've really had enough and want it to stop!
Sorry for the rant, I know we all have issues

Hi,
Yes, I have felt like I had to ctb since I was a teenager.
It's overwhelming.
My best to you.

 

[RUPA]

Always, all the time since mid teens I felt I'm not cut out for life and living a life is just too tiring. Since mid teens, I never understood why people marry and further create troubles since handling yourself and your life is already too much a task. I thought inviting someone else in your life is quite irresponsible imprudent cuz you didn't even do your own soul searching, you don't even know what/who you are and why blindly and by instinct desire intimate relationship with another human being in your life. At 13, I thought that if I can't find life purposes, it is meaningless, pointless to go on living and therefore I should die and said that to my friend and she was freaked out, I just recall. Now, I don't necessarily think human life should have purposes, rather, human life is supposed to be like life of any other animals, plants, or even just like natural phenomenon. just as it is. but the reality is vast majority of human beings are living unconsciously subconsciously like zombies indulged in temporary material pleasures and getting enlightened awakened like Buddha, or Eckhart Tolle etc is not easy

 

[lifeORdeath]

Not until.this last year and few months. I never would have imagined I could have f my life up so bad and go crazy in the process. Anxiety and fear and grief and regret are a mf. It makes me hate myself and not want to exist. For this I may be destined after all. To end it

 

[BlackWednesday]

Yes I think it's inevitable. It's just a question of when and how

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

Everyday now, that or I can luck out and be randomly chosen by some murderer