Venting Do you ever feel guilty about "wasting" your life?

[def4lt]

I recently learned that I am a rainbow baby, my mother had miscarried a child before having me. I've always felt guilty for being depressed and suicidal, making my family worry, but ever since I learned this, I can't help but feel like I'm living a life that wasn't supposed to be given to me. It makes me feel even worse for being the way I am. I wonder how the baby before me would be like if I was the one who died and not them. I wonder if they would have the same afflictions I have. I wonder if they would be a happy, healthy child my parents wanted, instead of me in contrast.

My situation is really hyperspecific, I feel, but does anyone else have a similar feeling of wasting their lives?

 

[Darkover]

does the universe feel guilty when a kid dies of cancer and lays waste to his or her life?

the answer is no because the universe is not even aware that the kid died

the universe is the biggest waste there is, so I wouldn't worry about wasting your life away

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No. If you think about it, in the end, we're all wasting our lives anyway. We aren't here for a big purpose... in the end we're only here to waste time. Why should I feel guilty over something that will happen on its own regardless of what we do?

 

[Red Moon]

Yeah somewhat but that time would have passed and wasted on something else, I just don't care about society.

I do regret wasting my youth though.

 

[crystal_meth97]

According to society, I'm wasting my life. But I don't give a fuck about it and I don't feel guilty. What I'm trying to do is minimize my suffering while I'm still alive. I'm lucky to earn money quite easily and with little effort. I'm not doing much in addition to work. I never wanted a family, children, and I definitely don't want a relationship. I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have here until it's going to be time to CTB.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to. I still feel maybe a similar sort of 'survivors guilt' to you because my Mum was diagnosed with cancer at the same time as finding out she was pregnant. So, she delayed having chemo and died three years later. My Dad says it wouldn't have saved her if she'd had it earlier. It was already too late. Logically, I know it's not my fault. Any more than it is yours. The doctors seemed crap for my parents and ultimately, it was their choice. I still hate the idea though because it sounds like she loved life. It feels such a waste that I got life and I really just want to get rid of it and she lost hers early.

Really though, most of my guilt has become resentment recently. I resent having this life. I resent being told I have to be a success or live a good life because it's what my dead family members would have wanted. I resent the pressures we all have placed on us without any choice.

I wonder if my parents even thought of the scenario that had every possibility of happening. That she would indeed die young and leave everyone. I'm sick of the responsibility of carrying all that. I suppose suicide is so appealing because it hopefully means the end of all that. There's even a big part of me that doesn't even want to go to heaven- even if there is one- if it means the disappointment from family members continues there.

 

[Forveleth]

All the time. By society's measurements, I am quite successful, but I've spent my life making others happy at the expense of making myself miserable. I could have been happy and I could have done so much more with my life. So yeah, I feel like such a waste.

 

[Meteora]

In my opinion, you are free to do with your life whatever you want. I understand the burden of being the one who survived or compensated for a miscarriage.
Maybe your parents unconciously made you feel "responsible" because they were afraid to lose you, too.
But you have no resposibility for what happened before you were even conceived.

I never felt like I waste my life, to be honest. Maybe because I was so unwanted. Sometimes it feels like every survived minute is a victory.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I don't really feel guilty about it. I do, however, feel kind of "bad" for all the teachers that had to put up with me, the students I annoyed, the people who tried helping me with school work, the "friends" that spent time with me because they pitied me, and everyone else I annoyed.

 

[manta]

Maybe not guilt... but I always feel a discomfort sometimes when I realize that I am 22 years old with no major accomplishments or direction. It's scary.

 

[Zanmato]

Sometimes, I do.
I don' know if it's because of what "society might think", or because I'd like to do... More.
Maybe, both.

For society, I guess because I still have no directions, or else.
I think they focus more on that.

For me personally... well, I'm not doing anything special.
Sometimes, I'd like to change, but it's so hard.

 

[FadingDawn]

Tbh I don't think there's much to feel guilty about. I just feel miserable and dissapointed about it

 

[def4lt]

Sometimes, I do.
I don' know if it's because of what "society might think", or because I'd like to do... More.
Maybe, both.

For society, I guess because I still have no directions, or else.
I think they focus more on that.

For me personally... well, I'm not doing anything special.
Sometimes, I'd like to change, but it's so hard.

I get that. It honestly feels like a mix of societal pressure, since we are often told that life is a precious gift, and just wanting to be able to live my own life. When I do try and change something, I only get so far before falling back down to where I was before, sometimes worse. I hope that you have more success with change than I have.

 

[sserafim]

I don't feel guilty about anything. Why should I?

According to society, I'm wasting my life. But I don't give a fuck about it and I don't feel guilty. What I'm trying to do is minimize my suffering while I'm still alive. I'm lucky to earn money quite easily and with little effort. I'm not doing much in addition to work. I never wanted a family, children, and I definitely don't want a relationship. I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have here until it's going to be time to CTB.

Same, but I don't work. I'm a NEET. I don't understand why people feel like they have an obligation to society. People always say that the world doesn't owe you anything, so why do they think that they owe the world something?

I get that. It honestly feels like a mix of societal pressure, since we are often told that life is a precious gift, and just wanting to be able to live my own life. When I do try and change something, I only get so far before falling back down to where I was before, sometimes worse. I hope that you have more success with change than I have.

I honestly think that most people, especially those on this website, are oversocialized

"Psychologists use the term "socialization" to designate the process by which children are trained to think and act as society demands. A person is said to be well socialized if he believes in and obeys the moral code of his society and fits in well as a functioning part of that society.

The moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel and act in a completely moral way. For example, we are not supposed to hate anyone, yet almost everyone hates somebody at some time or other, whether he admits it to himself or not. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality have a non-moral origin. We use the term "oversocialized" to describe such people.

Oversocialization can lead to low self-esteem, a sense of powerlessness, defeatism, guilt, etc. One of the most important means by which our society socializes children is by making them feel ashamed of behavior or speech that is contrary to society's expectations. If this is overdone, or if a particular child is especially susceptible to such feelings, he ends by feeling ashamed of HIMSELF. Moreover the thought and the behavior of the oversocialized person are more restricted by society's expectations than are those of the lightly socialized person. The majority of people engage in a significant amount of naughty behavior. They lie, they commit petty thefts, they break traffic laws, they goof off at work, they hate someone, they say spiteful things or they use some underhanded trick to get ahead of the other guy. The oversocialized person cannot do these things, or if he does do them he generates in himself a sense of shame and self-hatred. The oversocialized person cannot even experience, without guilt, thoughts or feelings that are contrary to the accepted morality; he cannot think "unclean" thoughts. And socialization is not just a matter of morality; we are socialized to conform to many norms of behavior that do not fall under the heading of morality. Thus the oversocialized person is kept on a psychological leash and spends his life running on rails that society has laid down for him. In many oversocialized people this results in a sense of constraint and powerlessness that can be a severe hardship. We suggest that oversocialization is among the more serious cruelties that human beings inflict on one another."

 

[rozeske]

There are a lot of things that I blame for my end but never myself. I have done the best i can despite all that happened to me. Don't judge yourself for things you have no control over.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I recently learned that I am a rainbow baby, my mother had miscarried a child before having me. I've always felt guilty for being depressed and suicidal, making my family worry, but ever since I learned this, I can't help but feel like I'm living a life that wasn't supposed to be given to me. It makes me feel even worse for being the way I am. I wonder how the baby before me would be like if I was the one who died and not them. I wonder if they would have the same afflictions I have. I wonder if they would be a happy, healthy child my parents wanted, instead of me in contrast.

My situation is really hyperspecific, I feel, but does anyone else have a similar feeling of wasting their lives?

Yeah, I told my mom I'm sorry I didn't end in a miscarriage and she could have just had the (miscarried) baby before me.

I don't feel guilty about anything. Why should I?

Same, but I don't work. I'm a NEET. I don't understand why people feel like they have an obligation to society. People always say that the world doesn't owe you anything, so why do they think that they owe the world something?

I honestly think that most people, especially those on this website, are oversocialized

"Psychologists use the term "socialization" to designate the process by which children are trained to think and act as society demands. A person is said to be well socialized if he believes in and obeys the moral code of his society and fits in well as a functioning part of that society.

The moral code of our society is so demanding that no one can think, feel and act in a completely moral way. For example, we are not supposed to hate anyone, yet almost everyone hates somebody at some time or other, whether he admits it to himself or not. Some people are so highly socialized that the attempt to think, feel and act morally imposes a severe burden on them. In order to avoid feelings of guilt, they continually have to deceive themselves about their own motives and find moral explanations for feelings and actions that in reality have a non-moral origin. We use the term "oversocialized" to describe such people.

Oversocialization can lead to low self-esteem, a sense of powerlessness, defeatism, guilt, etc. One of the most important means by which our society socializes children is by making them feel ashamed of behavior or speech that is contrary to society's expectations. If this is overdone, or if a particular child is especially susceptible to such feelings, he ends by feeling ashamed of HIMSELF. Moreover the thought and the behavior of the oversocialized person are more restricted by society's expectations than are those of the lightly socialized person. The majority of people engage in a significant amount of naughty behavior. They lie, they commit petty thefts, they break traffic laws, they goof off at work, they hate someone, they say spiteful things or they use some underhanded trick to get ahead of the other guy. The oversocialized person cannot do these things, or if he does do them he generates in himself a sense of shame and self-hatred. The oversocialized person cannot even experience, without guilt, thoughts or feelings that are contrary to the accepted morality; he cannot think "unclean" thoughts. And socialization is not just a matter of morality; we are socialized to conform to many norms of behavior that do not fall under the heading of morality. Thus the oversocialized person is kept on a psychological leash and spends his life running on rails that society has laid down for him. In many oversocialized people this results in a sense of constraint and powerlessness that can be a severe hardship. We suggest that oversocialization is among the more serious cruelties that human beings inflict on one another."

I wonder if you can be 'oversocialozed' if you've lived in mostly isolation your entire life?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case existence was never a desirable state in the first place, I find existing pointless it wasn't something of value that could be "wasted". I don't see any benefit in being conscious and aware, rather I wish I never existed at all and see it as better to not exist no matter what, existing truly is just meaningless suffering that I see as best avoided.

 

[sserafim]

I wonder if you can be 'oversocialozed' if you've lived in mostly isolation your entire life?

I haven't lived in mostly isolation for my entire life. I went to school and college and then started living in isolation after I graduated college. I never enjoyed talking to or being around people though. Rather, I was forced to. This might be a hot take, but I enjoyed lockdown because I finally didn't need to interact with people anymore. I think that lockdown is a factor in why I'm a NEET right now: I realized that I enjoy isolation.

I also wonder that. Maybe those people are less immune to societal/social conditioning?

 

[Dark Window]

Nah. I deal with the life I've gotten.

Could I have tried harder? Maybe? But tbh the way I feel still feels like such a mystery to me that I sympathise with myself because random symptoms have been thrust upoin me for no apparent reason and all I know how to do is manage, I have never had a formal diagnosis.

I'm doing what I believe is the best I can with what I have.

 

[4am]

the only thing i'm wasting is a time that i could have been peacefully spending in a non-existence instead of being here