Discussion Do you/ Did you fight your suicidal thoughts?

[Forever Sleep]

I'm just curious really. Maybe this one is more for the recovery section- but- do you- or, did you ever fight/ try to stop your suicidal thoughts? If so- why and does it/ did it help?

For me, I was 10 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I remember I was actually initially quite frightened by them because I had been taught that suicide was wrong- morally/religiously. It really didn't take that long to get over those qualms though and for a very long time, ideation has been a regular part of my thinking.

That's what I find so odd when pro-lifers describe these thoughts as 'disturbing' or 'distressing'. I suppose I don't fight them because I don't find them disturbing or distressing. Quite the opposite- the idea of quitting early if it all became too much has always been a comfort to me. (The frustration of not feeling able to do it is something else of course.)

How about you? Have you made any effort to stop your CTB thoughts? Were you trying to recover and did it work for a while? Do you even experience your CTB thoughts as intrusive/distressing?

 

[tiredangelgirl]

I definitely tried to fight these feelings for over 2 years consistently now. when I was a kid I had very early signs of anxiety and depression. been in and out of therapies and hospitals since I was 21 when I got diagnosed with bipolar.

i'm still in therapy, I work out at the gym several times a week, I eat clean vegan, do yoga, take my meds etc etc. literally constantly trying to feel good and distract myself from these thoughts.

what frustrates me is that i've done everything in my power to "recover" and get rid of these feelings. I wouldn't say it's distressing but it's definitely sad. i've been happy before and I know how wonderful it is and I wish I could feel that way all the time. one of the last times I was hospitalized I came out feeling so motivated for months. I think I was just very gentle and kind to myself. but the feelings keep coming back, and the depression manifests as pain and soreness in my body. my anxiety attacks started frequenting again and now I will just start crying and shaking out of nowhere.

I feel like I don't necessarily have the same thoughts on suicide as a lot of people on this site. I do think life can be beautiful and it's a gift, and it's damn worth a shot but also the world is a scary, fucked place. I understand why anyone, even with a seemingly perfect life, would want to ctb.

but this is the longest i've gone with these feelings nonstop and i've accepted that im a highly functional suicidal person (most of the time high functioning- not always.) im worried these sad, low feelings will NEVER go away and my mental health will feel like this forever and that's why I want to ctb

 

[endless_pain]

I definitely tried to fight these feelings for over 2 years consistently now. when I was a kid I had very early signs of anxiety and depression. been in and out of therapies and hospitals since I was 21 when I got diagnosed with bipolar.

i'm still in therapy, I work out at the gym several times a week, I eat clean vegan, do yoga, take my meds etc etc. literally constantly trying to feel good and distract myself from these thoughts.

what frustrates me is that i've done everything in my power to "recover" and get rid of these feelings. I wouldn't say it's distressing but it's definitely sad. i've been happy before and I know how wonderful it is and I wish I could feel that way all the time. one of the last times I was hospitalized I came out feeling so motivated for months. I think I was just very gentle and kind to myself. but the feelings keep coming back, and the depression manifests as pain and soreness in my body. my anxiety attacks started frequenting again and now I will just start crying and shaking out of nowhere.

I feel like I don't necessarily have the same thoughts on suicide as a lot of people on this site. I do think life can be beautiful and it's a gift, and it's damn worth a shot but also the world is a scary, fucked place. I understand why anyone, even with a seemingly perfect life, would want to ctb.

but this is the longest i've gone with these feelings nonstop and i've accepted that im a highly functional suicidal person (most of the time high functioning- not always.) im worried these sad, low feelings will NEVER go away and my mental health will feel like this forever and that's why I want to ctb

What caused your suicidal feelings to come if you were happy before if I could ask?

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I used to but don't anymore. I stopped fighting them when I lost my ex who I was living for and actively fighting them but when I lost my only reason to keep going I wanted to die.

It's been a long time since then but I'm still not over it, I've just accepted that was my last try at living and I can confidently say living is not for me. It's actually really peaceful knowing I'm not "weird" or "mentally unwell" for having these thoughts and desires. It's no longer a constant inner battle, it isn't "suicidal thoughts" - they're my thoughts - apart of me.

Feel free to ask questions if you want to, I don't mind answering any if you're curious.

 

[FrostedHoax]

Come to think of it, I don't think I ever actually did. I kinda just let them go their course and get worse and worse until I got to where I am now. I guess I did try to distract myself from them to keep them from overwhelming me and affecting my life too much since I'd just be even more miserable if I let them completely take over me. But if I didn't have to eat, work, or have any other normal needs I would probably just wallow in my misery all the time until I could finally take my exit out of this pathetic excuse of a life.

 

[timetodie24]

At first I did try to fight them because part of me wanted to live but I also wanted to escape how I was feeling. I still had stupid hopes and dreams for the future. I tried meds, therapies, helplines, crisis services etc. But overtime I just lost any hope for life at all, realised even if by some miracle I could be happy, I just don't actually want to be alive at all. There's nothing I want to do with my life, I have no goals or dreams, so feel like now there's nothing to fight for.

 

[AresCohere]

I tried to fight it for a while. I felt like I still had people who believed in me, I felt like my friends still cared, I felt like my family loved me. Recently, however, I have realized it's all fake. Everything is a facade and I was fooled for years into having hope.

Now I sit in limbo, not dead, but not really living either. Every waking moment is painful, every day is a long drag. I hate this, I hate all of this.

 

[charlotte_]

I've tried several times. And it did work for around some time last year. I was actually looking forward to this year, but well, here I am. There are still people who believe in me, things I can do and will be able to achieve if I just try harder. But I'm too tired of it all. I don't want to fight anymore. My life keeps going into a loop of endless suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I could never want to exist anyway. Preferring the sound of not existing isn't an "illness", I see it as being a logical response to having awareness of how existence isn't worth enduring. Thoughts of suicide are what makes sense to me, as I see no value in this pointless and futile existence where we are only destined to decay from age and suffer more in the process. Existing just isn't a desirable state at all to me, the problem lies in life itself.

 

[Valky]

If we hadn't fought them up until now we wouldn't be here..

 

[Forever Sleep]

If we hadn't fought them up until now we wouldn't be here..

Yeah- fair point!

 

[Valky]

I've tried several times. And it did work for around some time last year. I was actually looking forward to this year, but well, here I am. There are still people who believe in me, things I can do and will be able to achieve if I just try harder. But I'm too tired of it all. I don't want to fight anymore. My life keeps going into a loop of endless suffering.

If you reached that high before, I am sure that you will be able too again. Tho I understand, it is incredibly exhausting, wishing you all the best <3

Yeah- fair point!

but to answer your Question, yes, it was a hard and long fight, but here I am, alive :)

 

[chloramine]

They were always a relief for me. I did try to fight them for a period because of friends, but honestly that made everything so much worse and it was exhausting. Suicidal thoughts are one of my most helpful coping mechanisms for life and while they're not 'healthy' they do help me function.

 

[jorheslen428]

I tried to for a few years, but I always had the thought in the back of my mind that if someone I cared for was suffering this much (like my dog), I would put them down as an act of compassion. Now I just accept whatever thoughts come into my mind and I'm relieved that there is no longer a constant battle in my mind

 

[noname223]

I tried to find the best approach to them. I tried a lot of different coping mechanisms. Though I am suicidal now for almost a decade and they are very persistent and consistent. It gets pretty bad at the evening. This is why I come here to post about them. I cannot escape these thoughts but I can at least share my pain.

 

[outrider567]

No, no point in fighting it, can't think of one reason not to CTB

 

[Ambivalent1]

The fear fights for me

 

[sannoji]

mine are currently very passive, so for the years i've had them i usually fight them by just trying to ignore them. i attempted impulsively once and don't want to do that again before i'm ready so i guess i fight those impulses when they appear. long-term though i feel very at peace with those thoughts and i'll act on them once the time is right.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I have challenged my suicidal thoughts and have made them disappear for large chunks of time earlier in my life, but these last few years are the most persistent they've been. I've accepted I'll have these thoughts until I die.

I am making an effort to turn things around currently, but the feelings and thoughts of suicide are still present and feel it is still inevitable I'll one day end my life. The thoughts have become less distressing over time and now they're more of my coping mechanism.

 

[enviro400mmc]

Yeah I fight them pretty hard. I'm an ambitious person and would ideally like to be able to make the most out of life but in my case I kind of already feel like I have reached the point where making the most of it is just getting it over and done with..

For me the most distressing thing is the fact that at this rate I am never going to act on them and instead just let my suicidal thoughts let me rot into some kind of living corpse achieving nothing, just being a complete failure.

 

[parader]

i fight them everyday, i put my all into this
it's just hard af and i feel so tired, i don't even know what works or doesn't anymore
today was such a fucked up day i tried telling myself the exact opposite of what i really thought
if i thought "you're guilty of being harassed, you're worthless, you're a waste" i'd tell myself "i'm not guilty of the harassment i suffered, i hold value, i'm not a waste"
not sure if it worked at all, i just repeated this to myself over and over and over and got tired midway, slept and still feel like shit

 

[CentreMid]

I'm just curious really. Maybe this one is more for the recovery section- but- do you- or, did you ever fight/ try to stop your suicidal thoughts? If so- why and does it/ did it help?

For me, I was 10 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I remember I was actually initially quite frightened by them because I had been taught that suicide was wrong- morally/religiously. It really didn't take that long to get over those qualms though and for a very long time, ideation has been a regular part of my thinking.

That's what I find so odd when pro-lifers describe these thoughts as 'disturbing' or 'distressing'. I suppose I don't fight them because I don't find them disturbing or distressing. Quite the opposite- the idea of quitting early if it all became too much has always been a comfort to me. (The frustration of not feeling able to do it is something else of course.)

How about you? Have you made any effort to stop your CTB thoughts? Were you trying to recover and did it work for a while? Do you even experience your CTB thoughts as intrusive/distressing?

On a day-to-day basis, yes, for the sake of keeping my job and not having anyone worry about me. I try to put on a brave face so I don't get hospitalized and whatnot. But in the grand scheme of things, no. I've tried recovery multiple times, only to end up in the state I'm in, so I don't bother fighting it anymore. Suicide will be my way out one way or another.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

What caused your suicidal feelings to come if you were happy before if I could ask?

I think it's just my mental health tbh I have frequent panic attacks now, my body feels sore from being tensed up all the time, my anxiety has made me uncomfortable and awkward. I was always social and had a decent friend group but after moving 2 years ago my mental health plummeted and not being able to make friends here haven't helped :/

unfortunately what I think triggered it was a really abusive relationship with my ex. he's been long gone for 4 years now but def caused a lot of trauma. the panic attacks started happening after him because he had broken into my house multiple times (months after we broke up.) it's all fun and games until the trauma sets in

 

[Forever Sleep]

i fight them everyday, i put my all into this
it's just hard af and i feel so tired, i don't even know what works or doesn't anymore
today was such a fucked up day i tried telling myself the exact opposite of what i really thought
if i thought "you're guilty of being harassed, you're worthless, you're a waste" i'd tell myself "i'm not guilty of the harassment i suffered, i hold value, i'm not a waste"
not sure if it worked at all, i just repeated this to myself over and over and over and got tired midway, slept and still feel like shit

I'm so sorry. I often think of this- What would life be like if we didn't have to keep battling that inner voice? Life is so hard as it is but to also have a kind of demon sitting on your shoulder telling you how worthless you are and having to fight them off too- it's exausting.

For what it's worth- I'd say- I'm sure very little in your life is your fault. We end up as a product of our experiences. You certainly don't deserve to be harassed or mistreated.

I once went through that whole stage of reading self help books. One that Paul McKenna wrote made a very good point- that we listen to our inner voices hurling abuse at us- but- if someone were to come up to us and say it in the street- we likely wouldn't put up with it. I really hope you can quieten your inner voice.

 

[parader]

I'm so sorry. I often think of this- What would life be like if we didn't have to keep battling that inner voice? Life is so hard as it is but to also have a kind of demon sitting on your shoulder telling you how worthless you are and having to fight them off too- it's exausting.

For what it's worth- I'd say- I'm sure very little in your life is your fault. We end up as a product of our experiences. You certainly don't deserve to be harassed or mistreated.

I once went through that whole stage of reading self help books. One that Paul McKenna wrote made a very good point- that we listen to our inner voices hurling abuse at us- but- if someone were to come up to us and say it in the street- we likely wouldn't put up with it. I really hope you can quieten your inner voice.

thank you for saying this
our inner critics are so mean and sometimes so loud
i once read that debating with them might help if we argue their claims by being kind to ourselves, i thought it was a good idea to try, i'm a skilled debater
damn was i wrong, they left me speechless so quickly, it was such a disaster honestly
i'd say one nice little thing and they'd go on this relentless tirade of abuse
never doing that again

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I never fought my suicidal thoughts in any case because suicide is a legal option under certain life circumstances and that was always clear to me and these life circumstances are individual. Each one should be given the right and the legal option to cease this existence with no restrictions at any time once they may wish for that option.

There is no need to restrict it by law because especially SI and other personal circumstances cause enough trouble when it comes to the real action of doing CTB.

And alone this fact is horrible enough when one wants to cease existence and this world!!!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Nope. I am at peace with CTBing since i cannot have my ideal life. I do try to bargain for things to go right in order to delay my ctb a bit, but as it stands, i no longer have any incentive to put it off.

 

[chahan.trading]

I used to fight it for years. But now i kind of gave in, prepared everything that i need. Sodium Cyanide method, not the friendliest, but one of the most effective as they say.

 

[hellispink]

Yes. I fought for decades so many years. Until i accepted they will never go away. Life is not for everyone. Life is cruel and i am allow to leave it i dont have to convince myself or lie to myself. I will do what my heart tells its right when the time comes.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

Yes. Most days. It's a survival instinct I think.