Discussion Do you consider your reason(s) for wanting to CTB solvable?

[Rounded Agony]

Whether or not others agree, whether or not the way to solve things is within your grasp, I'm wondering how folks see their situation. I feel like this could go a lot of ways and I'm very curious.

For me...it's hard to say. There are some circumstantial factors that are fairly realistically changeable (isolation, lack of sense of purpose in life), and I think, if they were otherwise, I might be able to better manage the things that I don't see as changeable (physical health issues, inherent cruelty of existence). Or maybe, at this point, I wouldn't. Hard to say.

I could go into more detail but I have elsewhere and am more wanting to see others' perspectives.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

There's also the question of whether it's worth the effort. I've lived long enough to see the truth in the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same". I know suicidal ideation will never leave me.

 

[atonofdespair24]

I think mine are solvable, completely. I know they will always be in the back of my mind when I'm past them though. I also do not want to put it in the effort that much either to be honest. I'm very tired, been suffering for too long, and am at the point where it physically hurts. Very tired of telling myself to wait for better days. Those better days never come for a lot of people, but they have so much hope. Bless them.

"the more things change, the more they stay the same"

Yup.

 

[Zegers]

Health at rock bottom, mired in the black hole of loneliness, emptiness, no purpose, mind fooged by depression and anxiety... I don't think a financial analyst would forecast a good prospect.

 

[Idoe.know]

I absolutely see my reasons being solvable...for others. I think the things I face could be taken on by those who think clearly, have more opportunities available to them, and/or have more strength or hope for the future.

 

[imcurious]

I think my reasons are objectively solvable, as in, the things that I find problematic in my life could be put to an end. But I wonder if they would completely absolve me from suicidal ideation. I used to think, if I fix X about myself, I will be happy. And I did at one point and I'm still not happy. I used to think my family home was a toxic environment and that when I move away to college, I will be happy. I moved to campus last year and I have never felt more out of place. I used to blame my loneliness for my desire to CTB so I decided if I got a romantic partner, I will be happy. I have explored two decently-fulfilling relationships since then and none of them brought me happiness in the long run. In fact, I am just as empty, if not more after all this time.

I've experienced major depression all my life. It's like new reasons sprout as I get older. Now I blame my brain. Like you, I am not sure how to navigate that.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think my reasons are objectively solvable, as in, the things that I find problematic in my life could be put to an end. But I wonder if they would completely absolve me from suicidal ideation. I used to think, if I fix X about myself, I will be happy. And I did at one point and I'm still not happy. I used to think my family home was a toxic environment and that when I move away to college, I will be happy. I moved to campus last year and I have never felt more out of place. I used to blame my loneliness for my desire to CTB so I decided if I got a romantic partner, I will be happy. I have explored two decently-fulfilling relationships since then and none of them brought me happiness in the long run. In fact, I am just as empty, if not more after all this time.

I've experienced major depression all my life. It's like new reasons sprout as I get older. Now I blame my brain. Like you, I am not sure how to navigate that.

Have you tried things like ketamine? I know so-called endogenous depression as you seem to have described is very frustrating. But it seems like you are still in college so perhaps when you graduate and start posts college life things might improve?

I think my reasons are objectively solvable, as in, the things that I find problematic in my life could be put to an end. But I wonder if they would completely absolve me from suicidal ideation. I used to think, if I fix X about myself, I will be happy. And I did at one point and I'm still not happy. I used to think my family home was a toxic environment and that when I move away to college, I will be happy. I moved to campus last year and I have never felt more out of place. I used to blame my loneliness for my desire to CTB so I decided if I got a romantic partner, I will be happy. I have explored two decently-fulfilling relationships since then and none of them brought me happiness in the long run. In fact, I am just as empty, if not more after all this time.

I've experienced major depression all my life. It's like new reasons sprout as I get older. Now I blame my brain. Like you, I am not sure how to navigate that.

Have you tried things like ketamine? I know so-called endogenous depression as you seem to have described is very frustrating. But it seems like you are still in college so perhaps when you graduate and start posts college life things might improve?

 

[whatstheporpoise15]

My brain is totally fried from almost 20 years of psychiatric drugs (since childhood). Every time I've tried to pick myself up and make some progress in life, I face setback after setback. I'm tired of fighting. I wasn't meant to have a good life and now I'm ready to get rid of my suffering.

 

[imcurious]

Have you tried things like ketamine? I know so-called endogenous depression as you seem to have described is very frustrating. But it seems like you are still in college so perhaps when you graduate and start posts college life things might improve?

I've heard of ketamine just never tried. I'm wary of the dissociative trips and whether or not that would produce even more detachment from my surroundings. Because I've never been evaluated by a psych nor have I ever taken antidepressants, I think I'd be prescribed an SSRI first before I can get my hands on anything more intense.

I'm still terrified of taking antidepressants, though. Not all, but most people tell me they're experienced a dulled emotional state and as someone who already has a dulled baseline, that is just scary. All I want is to feel. I've been going through terrible memory loss lately too. I also hope things look up after college lol

 

[western_heart]

I answered not sure. I am trying to find out if I can change my circumstances enough for living to be worth it. Parts of me are certain that death is what we want but if our life is free of certain pains, we can endure. Ketamine has kept me from killing myself so far, at this point it's a matter of can my mental health improve enough so I can get another job before I get fired for not doing the one I have.

 

[Foresight]

No, it's physical issues that will only get worse and psychological issues deeper than I can reach at this point. I've tried very hard.

I think a lot of people wouldn't have made it as long as I did in my shoes. I'm actually proud of how long I've tried. I wanted to go knowing I tried all I could.

I think a feeling of hopelessness is very common for suicide. It's a key factor for most of us.

 

[Astral Storm]

Not really. It's not because of personal reasons. My problem is with the nature of life. I never wanted to see these horrible amounts of cruelty and violence which keeps repeating itself for billions of years. Life is simply never worth it for me.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Some of my reasons could be solvable. Just a bit uncertain on how.
The physical reason is unfortunately not fixable/curable.
And I have no idea if there is a way to fix the mental and emotional reasons.
So I'd have to choose all three

 

[Mofreeko]

My problems would be solvable by a normal person. I have a distinct inability to form and maintain relationships and this had lead to my emotional and social skills to be severely underdeveloped. The only emotion I seem to be able to summon in a strong way is anger, but that usually only happens at work. The rest of the time I'm just kind of numb. I've missed out on my childhood, teen years and twenties by having basically zero friends. For whatever reason I was never bullied, just straight up ignored by everyone. In fact the only time I've ever had people be mean to me in school is when I'd approach them and try to talk to them. It's like I was born out of phase with the rest of the world and I'm only able to observe everyone else. I used to feel lonely but now I don't really feel much of anything. I'm going to ctb soon because the effort of working a job just isn't worth it to support this pathetic existence anymore.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I've heard of ketamine just never tried. I'm wary of the dissociative trips and whether or not that would produce even more detachment from my surroundings. Because I've never been evaluated by a psych nor have I ever taken antidepressants, I think I'd be prescribed an SSRI first before I can get my hands on anything more intense.

I'm still terrified of taking antidepressants, though. Not all, but most people tell me they're experienced a dulled emotional state and as someone who already has a dulled baseline, that is just scary. All I want is to feel. I've been going through terrible memory loss lately too. I also hope things look up after college lol

I guess I assumed you had really tried medications to no avail but you haven't tried one. Which I understand your reluctance about. There are positive and negatibe and anecdotes about any drug. Maybe just seeing a doctor to suss things out would be a good idea? Not trying to sell you on anything; hate the idea of you missing out on potential relief.

 

[FuneralCry]

My reason for wanting ctb is that I could never see life as being worth living no matter what. To me life is just endless suffering and misery and I see no point to enduring life when instead I could be peacefully not existing. The thing that I have a problem with is life itself and the only way to solve that would be to permanently cease to exist.

 

[Flying Away]

Yes but I know they won't be

 

[Hope:-)]

Please be wary of beginning taking medication. Medication ruined my life for 16 years, and is the reason I am ctb. Not worth it. x
And no, my problems are not solvable.

 

[whatstheporpoise15]

Please be wary of beginning taking medication. Medication ruined my life for 16 years, and is the reason I am ctb. Not worth it. x
And no, my problems are not solvable.

Same. No one ever warned me (or my parents, when I was young) about the physical and mental side effects that can come with meds. It's only recently that I realized why I've felt so sick and tired the last several years.

 

[LowLevelChimp]

I have multiple problems that range from chronic illness and health problems that I'm currently in the diagnostic and testing phase to mental health issues that are debilitating at times to the almost unimportant of being unemployable with a criminal record and a failing college degree.

So no I don't believe that my problems are ever going to be fixable, but I'm trying to work through them.

I had a poor ctb attempt a couple of weeks back but my plans are on hold until I get some medical test results back as with luck it could be taken out of my hands. I used the think that I hated life but it seems that life might hate me.

 

[narval]

Short answer: yes
Long answer: No, as I believe I will never fully recover from my mental flaws, BUT given the right circumstances, perhaps i live to be old.

 

[Obliviate]

No, the world will always be shitty. Humans will always be disgusting. I cannot stand to see and experience racism, sexism, abuse, rape, hate crimes, corruption, animal abuse.......It always seems like bad people have all the luck, money, power while the good people suffer. No justice in this world and it will only get worse.

 

[freevoid]

No, the world will always be shitty. Humans will always be disgusting. I cannot stand to see and experience racism, sexism, abuse, rape, hate crimes, corruption, animal abuse.......It always seems like bad people have all the luck, money, power while the good people suffer. No justice in this world and it will only get worse.

This.

Even if my multiple chronic illnesses and my lifelong mental illness were suddenly cured, it wouldn't fix the illness of humans, of this world, of this reality.

This reality just ain't it.

 

[Snatsbats]

Being an average male isnt fixable.

 

[Pcgamer1]

My problems are only fixable if I can afford housing. Problem is that in the USA money is more important than human life

 

[want2dienow]

It's too late. The things that happen in past before now is in the past. Sadly FK.

 

[Zegers]

Being an average male isnt fixable.

What do you mean?

 

[heartisbroken]

I absolutely see my reasons being solvable...for others. I think the things I face could be taken on by those who think clearly, have more opportunities available to them, and/or have more strength or hope for the future.

Came here to 100% agree with this. For me, the main problem is myself, which caused all my problems, and at the end of the day I can't change the essence of who I am as a person. With the right support my reasons are absolutely solvable, but I just don't have the tools or the motivation to do it by myself. Almost makes it more frustrating, knowing that hope is there, but just out of reach. Sometimes I wish I could just resign myself to my fate of eternal misery and learn to be comfortable with that.

 

[Leiden]

Nothing in my life is solvable at this point and even if it was, it would eventually not be. None of us get by unscathed, even if it takes a little longer to happen for some. Eventually in everyone's live there will be unbearable suffering. I would never of chosen to be in this life and I hope I don't have much longer left in it.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm not sure, I think about this a lot. Even if I somehow managed to get where I want to be, I have my trauma and emotional issues to still deal with, and that's mostly due to how I've been treated by other people; friends, family, partners…I don't have any control over other people hurting me.

Even when I feel like I'm noticing the red flags or standing up for myself, I still get hurt. I guess the only way to combat this would to isolate myself from everyone, but that's not much better. I'm not sure I have a place here, and I've felt like this since I was a kid. I don't think I can change this.