I just read a very eloquent vent about a welfare check/hospitalisation on here. And I was impressed. It reminded me of my story.
Before I elaborate an update. This really interesting autism/ADHS woman seems to have lost interest in me. I will send her a last message on Monday. It will be short, no goodbye message (too clingy/heavy) and it will be an easy message. I really enjoyed making jokes with her. My current favorite explanation: the texting and date with me took too much energy. I myself was pretty sleepy and exhausted after it. And I am not a single-mom, working half-time, studying half-time. I think I can close a chapter better if I have a good explanation why it happened. If she ignores my message I will have to move on. Dating is really tiring and frustrating.
Another story. I finance myself over money from my mom, dad and the government. My dad is going through a severe crisis and might lose his job. My aunt who I really really hate messaged there is something like an emergency meeting soon with my sister, her, my dad and me. It seems very likely I won't receive money anymore from my dad. Which is an issue. Legally I have a right for the money though. The more insane thing it seems like she wants that my dad comes in a care facilitiy. Which would cost a fortune. We certainly cannot pay for that. I am not sure whether she wants me to pay that. I can't and won't. But it seems like she wants me to spend more time with him. And probably care for him. This is a joke. I cannot even care for myself. I am reliant on the help of my mom. And my family knows that. I just ignored the emergency message. I think my dad wants a free pass from me to quit work. Which is ironic because he pressured me all the time to continue college. Even after I almost committed suicide because of the extremely bad impact on my mental health. I won't pressure him to keep going. But I fought way harder and way longer than him. I survived college 2,5 years and I was hanging by thread all the time. My aunt even made a cheeky comment that my university attendance wasn't even real. She can go fuck herself. She seemingly said to my sister that she will take the money from my dad from us. My aunt is a bitch. She also told me I should stop talking about negative stuff with my dad. Honestly, I think she is really incompetent and my dad doesn't make any progress under her guidance. My dad messages me all the time. With Good Morning! and Good Night! not more. I think he has a guilty conscience of what is coming. I won't go to the emergency meeting anway. This woman will only guilttrip me and pressure me. I could even imagine she wants me to sign a contract. I won't go there. I am not that stupid. And my sister is also stupid as fuck. From the beginnng I didn't want to have contact with my aunt. My aunt wasn't there for me the first 28 years of my life. And then suddenly when she realizes that will end up alone her interest in me sparks. I couldn't care less. I find her extremely dislikable. It made me feel sick to spend time with her, my dad and my sister. Not sure which excuse I will use. Maybe I will claim I was ill. She seemingly plans to come to my apartment to take me. LMAO. I hoped I could say I have a date on that day. But I think won't happen. I think going there or not won't change whether money will continue to come in. I don't feel obliged to give my dad money or to care for him. He pressured me all the time while I was in college. And I have to care for myself. I am overburdened with my own life. One of the last messages from my aunt was guilttripping me when did you see your dad the last time. And it was only a few days ago while she was absent for a way longer time. I won't go to this emergency meeting. They can communicate to me over my messenger. It is also obvious this is an ambush. Otherwise she could have told me the truth what the meeting was about. Maybe I will say I was physcially ill. Or that I am mentally unwell. Some of my relatives use this as an excuse to dodge the contact with us. I am not mad at them. Instead I just copy this strategy. Lol. I also didn't send my aunt a happy christmas or happy new year message. From time to time she texted me to lecture me on the Israel Palestine conflict. I just ignored her message sent them to my friends and together we made fun of her. A friend of mine told me. Before I sent him her message he always I was too harsh in my judgement of her. Now he changed his opinion and thinks I am not harsh enough. LMFO. My family fucking sucks.
I am sort of in a crisis mode. I am not sure whether I can survive without the help of my dad. But honestly I can't care for my dad. This would destabilize me massively. I will maybe text her the truth. That the last meeting in the clinic made my mental health worse. And that I have to look for myself. The same thing my dad has to do. There is no benefit to destabilize me. I went through so much abuse by my parents. I don't have a guilty conscience anyway.
To the title. In October 2025 I almost made a suicide attempt. I messaged my friends to say goodbye and they called the police. I am not really angry of them. I think a part of me was ambivalent. I didn't expect them to do that. My friends told me this situation was extremely stressful to them. One of them hesitated the other one just called the police. I am really not angry at them. A part of me was disappointed but actually if they didn't call the police they might could have been held accountable. Ironically my mom was really mad at the friend who called the police. I told her he just overreacted and the siuation was really not serious. Actually the SN was already dissolved and my mouth was already at the glass. I hesitated but if the police arrived 30 mintues later I might would have taken it already. The reanimation could have been really really nasty. And the impact of the clinic stay wasn't really lifechanging. During the clinic stay I thought I triggered a woman into committing suicide. Someone in the clinic killed themselves. But it turned to be a paranoid conclusion.
I can still remember it very vividly. I cried that day a lot and took benzos to calm me. I was going back and forth. Texting to my friends. I think I wanted to say goodbye to them. I am really bad at shutting my mouth. I rely so much on talking to them as a valve. I think it is very hard for me to quit the habit. The SN was dissvoled and then someone ringed very loudly and long at my door. I really didn't imagine it to be the police. I thought in this second it is quite ironic someone is ringing on the door. It is like in the movies when someone is on the edge of suicide. I thought it might be postman and I had to hide all my tears. Then I opened the door and I think 3-4 police men and a paramedic stood in front of my door. I was really stunned. One woman asked "How do you feel?" And my answer was "Betrayed." I obviously let them in. The also wrote this in my clinic report. That I was very cooperative. And I can only highly recommend that. I couldn't have delivered a show in the mood. There was no need to hide anything. I was caught red handed I was not even able to hide anything. I think if I took it and was unconscious that had to destroy the door which would have costed a lot. I was cooperative. I showed them the kitchen where I had the drink. One of the first reactions was: "You know you will get a severe fine for that." I think they perceived me as a very law-abiding citizen. And I told them no I acquired tihs substance legally. He made a google search and was pretty stunned that I just told him the truth. I am not fully sure whether it was 100% the truth though. I think you had to evaluate that very carefully. In some way it was also a bluff. And it worked I didn't get a fine. Myy mom never found out that I acquired a lethal substance. One police man said to the other police man "Well it seems like he doesn't lack medication". Because I have a lot of medication in my apartment. Ironically I saw this police man the next day in a police control when I was allowed for a short time to return to me home to get some clothes.
I am not fulyl sure whether she was a police woman or a paramedic. But one of the last questions was "Do you come with us voluntarily?" And my answer was "Yes, but it isn't like I had a choice." I knew this would have become really unpleasant if didn't come with them unvoluntarily. I would have been taken in handcuffs otherwise. It was the first time in my life I drove in a police car. I didn't have to go to a close psych warrd. I was really really scared to go there. A young woman once sort of molested me in there. Not severe but I have bad memories about my stay. I was really scared they force me to go there. I negotiated with the psychiatrist and because I was so cooperative I didn't have go there. I was allowed to go an open psych ward. It was a really horrible facility but still better than the close psych ward I was in. I am so glad I suvived all of that. I stayed 1 week. It was a complete nightmare. It disincentivized to plan suicide again because it made all my issues only worse. It was not really an escape. I am glad the impact on my family was narrowed.
Before I elaborate an update. This really interesting autism/ADHS woman seems to have lost interest in me. I will send her a last message on Monday. It will be short, no goodbye message (too clingy/heavy) and it will be an easy message. I really enjoyed making jokes with her. My current favorite explanation: the texting and date with me took too much energy. I myself was pretty sleepy and exhausted after it. And I am not a single-mom, working half-time, studying half-time. I think I can close a chapter better if I have a good explanation why it happened. If she ignores my message I will have to move on. Dating is really tiring and frustrating.
Another story. I finance myself over money from my mom, dad and the government. My dad is going through a severe crisis and might lose his job. My aunt who I really really hate messaged there is something like an emergency meeting soon with my sister, her, my dad and me. It seems very likely I won't receive money anymore from my dad. Which is an issue. Legally I have a right for the money though. The more insane thing it seems like she wants that my dad comes in a care facilitiy. Which would cost a fortune. We certainly cannot pay for that. I am not sure whether she wants me to pay that. I can't and won't. But it seems like she wants me to spend more time with him. And probably care for him. This is a joke. I cannot even care for myself. I am reliant on the help of my mom. And my family knows that. I just ignored the emergency message. I think my dad wants a free pass from me to quit work. Which is ironic because he pressured me all the time to continue college. Even after I almost committed suicide because of the extremely bad impact on my mental health. I won't pressure him to keep going. But I fought way harder and way longer than him. I survived college 2,5 years and I was hanging by thread all the time. My aunt even made a cheeky comment that my university attendance wasn't even real. She can go fuck herself. She seemingly said to my sister that she will take the money from my dad from us. My aunt is a bitch. She also told me I should stop talking about negative stuff with my dad. Honestly, I think she is really incompetent and my dad doesn't make any progress under her guidance. My dad messages me all the time. With Good Morning! and Good Night! not more. I think he has a guilty conscience of what is coming. I won't go to the emergency meeting anway. This woman will only guilttrip me and pressure me. I could even imagine she wants me to sign a contract. I won't go there. I am not that stupid. And my sister is also stupid as fuck. From the beginnng I didn't want to have contact with my aunt. My aunt wasn't there for me the first 28 years of my life. And then suddenly when she realizes that will end up alone her interest in me sparks. I couldn't care less. I find her extremely dislikable. It made me feel sick to spend time with her, my dad and my sister. Not sure which excuse I will use. Maybe I will claim I was ill. She seemingly plans to come to my apartment to take me. LMAO. I hoped I could say I have a date on that day. But I think won't happen. I think going there or not won't change whether money will continue to come in. I don't feel obliged to give my dad money or to care for him. He pressured me all the time while I was in college. And I have to care for myself. I am overburdened with my own life. One of the last messages from my aunt was guilttripping me when did you see your dad the last time. And it was only a few days ago while she was absent for a way longer time. I won't go to this emergency meeting. They can communicate to me over my messenger. It is also obvious this is an ambush. Otherwise she could have told me the truth what the meeting was about. Maybe I will say I was physcially ill. Or that I am mentally unwell. Some of my relatives use this as an excuse to dodge the contact with us. I am not mad at them. Instead I just copy this strategy. Lol. I also didn't send my aunt a happy christmas or happy new year message. From time to time she texted me to lecture me on the Israel Palestine conflict. I just ignored her message sent them to my friends and together we made fun of her. A friend of mine told me. Before I sent him her message he always I was too harsh in my judgement of her. Now he changed his opinion and thinks I am not harsh enough. LMFO. My family fucking sucks.
I am sort of in a crisis mode. I am not sure whether I can survive without the help of my dad. But honestly I can't care for my dad. This would destabilize me massively. I will maybe text her the truth. That the last meeting in the clinic made my mental health worse. And that I have to look for myself. The same thing my dad has to do. There is no benefit to destabilize me. I went through so much abuse by my parents. I don't have a guilty conscience anyway.
To the title. In October 2025 I almost made a suicide attempt. I messaged my friends to say goodbye and they called the police. I am not really angry of them. I think a part of me was ambivalent. I didn't expect them to do that. My friends told me this situation was extremely stressful to them. One of them hesitated the other one just called the police. I am really not angry at them. A part of me was disappointed but actually if they didn't call the police they might could have been held accountable. Ironically my mom was really mad at the friend who called the police. I told her he just overreacted and the siuation was really not serious. Actually the SN was already dissolved and my mouth was already at the glass. I hesitated but if the police arrived 30 mintues later I might would have taken it already. The reanimation could have been really really nasty. And the impact of the clinic stay wasn't really lifechanging. During the clinic stay I thought I triggered a woman into committing suicide. Someone in the clinic killed themselves. But it turned to be a paranoid conclusion.
I can still remember it very vividly. I cried that day a lot and took benzos to calm me. I was going back and forth. Texting to my friends. I think I wanted to say goodbye to them. I am really bad at shutting my mouth. I rely so much on talking to them as a valve. I think it is very hard for me to quit the habit. The SN was dissvoled and then someone ringed very loudly and long at my door. I really didn't imagine it to be the police. I thought in this second it is quite ironic someone is ringing on the door. It is like in the movies when someone is on the edge of suicide. I thought it might be postman and I had to hide all my tears. Then I opened the door and I think 3-4 police men and a paramedic stood in front of my door. I was really stunned. One woman asked "How do you feel?" And my answer was "Betrayed." I obviously let them in. The also wrote this in my clinic report. That I was very cooperative. And I can only highly recommend that. I couldn't have delivered a show in the mood. There was no need to hide anything. I was caught red handed I was not even able to hide anything. I think if I took it and was unconscious that had to destroy the door which would have costed a lot. I was cooperative. I showed them the kitchen where I had the drink. One of the first reactions was: "You know you will get a severe fine for that." I think they perceived me as a very law-abiding citizen. And I told them no I acquired tihs substance legally. He made a google search and was pretty stunned that I just told him the truth. I am not fully sure whether it was 100% the truth though. I think you had to evaluate that very carefully. In some way it was also a bluff. And it worked I didn't get a fine. Myy mom never found out that I acquired a lethal substance. One police man said to the other police man "Well it seems like he doesn't lack medication". Because I have a lot of medication in my apartment. Ironically I saw this police man the next day in a police control when I was allowed for a short time to return to me home to get some clothes.
I am not fulyl sure whether she was a police woman or a paramedic. But one of the last questions was "Do you come with us voluntarily?" And my answer was "Yes, but it isn't like I had a choice." I knew this would have become really unpleasant if didn't come with them unvoluntarily. I would have been taken in handcuffs otherwise. It was the first time in my life I drove in a police car. I didn't have to go to a close psych warrd. I was really really scared to go there. A young woman once sort of molested me in there. Not severe but I have bad memories about my stay. I was really scared they force me to go there. I negotiated with the psychiatrist and because I was so cooperative I didn't have go there. I was allowed to go an open psych ward. It was a really horrible facility but still better than the close psych ward I was in. I am so glad I suvived all of that. I stayed 1 week. It was a complete nightmare. It disincentivized to plan suicide again because it made all my issues only worse. It was not really an escape. I am glad the impact on my family was narrowed.
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