Do you also feel like you're not human?

[lamy2006]

I haven't read No Longer Human but maybe I should before I ctb. Author killed himself in his late 30s. The spiritual self-destruction seems similar to mine, just more articulate.

I'm currently reading this. I sort of relate, but I'm not very far through it.

 

[v0id]

i've always felt inhuman, i think. even as a child. i just didn't know how to explain it back then, but it's not like i can explain it any better now. i can't even understand it myself. i can see how life can be beautiful as i see how other people live theirs but i just can't seem to grasp it for my own. i feel like i lack some certain spark that makes humans human. it's like there's a secret bubble people are in, and i am not a part of it—as if i'm meant to be an observer of life, not someone included in it. even when i'm with people, i observe myself from a viewpoint. how i act and perform and how calculated my words and acts are. i don't know why i did that.

in the happy moments, i can also be happy. not as someone who is experiencing the same happiness as them but as a watcher from faraway. like someone who watches their favorite characters enjoying themselves on a television screen.

 

[yellowraincoat225]

This is why I wished that I could be friends with a clone of me as, at this point what it takes for somebody to fully understand me is for them to be a clone of me

No way, I feel that exact same way. No matter how many friendships/relationships I have, I think no one will ever come close to understanding me. It also comes from a place of loneliness and fear, fear that I'll never find someone who I truly resonate with.

I see couples on social media (I know it's not an accurate representation, but it sure feels like it) who seem to understand each other completely, and I will never have that.

I don't know if it makes me narcissistic, I don't think I'm better than everyone else, just different in a way that only I, myself, can understand. There are the deepest, twisted parts of myself that I would never share with anyone besides myself, but I also think there's "good" parts of me that no one will ever see because they will never be intimately in tune enough with me for me to show them.

I won't find them in this life, and what's the point in pursuing relationships with people if we can never understand each other...Maybe there's something wrong with how I view love, because I don't think I truly love anyone, I might say it, but I don't even know if it's genuine, and that makes me feel like an outsider, and to the theme of this thread, like I'm inhuman.