I feel like I hate every person around me. And it's not easy having to live around them.
I hate their ideas. I hate their meaningless small talk, gossip about trivialities, their stupid ambitions, I hate the fact that they think they need a purpose. I hate their houses, cars, doctors, trips, restaurants, the stupid ways they find to numb themselves. I hate the fact that they only think you have value based on what you can provide them with. What is purpose anyway? I don't have one, not in the way they accept it. I'm incapable of fitting in, and that's neither beautiful nor romantic, because I don't like the person they project onto me, the simplistic version they see when they look at me. I hate it so much.
hate is a strong feeling... i've felt it several times through life but, honestly, nowadays...
it sorta grew into apathy, i feel
when you seriously begin to consider CTB for real, planning etc, theres a chance you might stop giving as much of a fuck about people, society etc
all thats been on my mind lately is, how am i spending my last days? coz my date is due in acouple months from now so...
do i have the time, patience or care to even bother?
i get the feeling... its just, im trying to have the most meaningful/enjoyable time that i can for now, but again, perspective changes when your mind is set
i feel this SO much. wouldn't say i'm a true misanthrope, but my baseline for any stranger is always pure hate and distrust, until they "prove" to me they're kind/"worth keeping around", which is usually like 1 out of every 1000 for me.
i've trying to trying to rewrite my brain to stop be so absurdist, and at least let it be nihilistic, so i'm not so crushingly lonely all the time, but it's hard. therapy sucks. dysphoria/dysmorphia/mental illness makes it all nearly impossible, but it does make me feel better momentarily when someone does let me in, though it's only a matter of how long until i scare them away, and it's back to square one. you're defs not alone.
also used to be like that, n everytime i let someone new into my life, n either scarem the hell away or burn bridges, i tell myself for fucks sake, it the last time
i do enjoy my time alone, wont deny. live by myself, spending my remaining time at home.
but, sometimes i still feel like interacting, i guess, at least with like-minded individuals such as in here.
they say im bipolar n borderline, w ADHD n cronic depression
therapy sucks for me, simply bcoz they cant fix the root of the problem, which isnt me, its this fucking world.
therapists are just there to leech off your money, play their role in the pharma industry, n try to squeeze you out of every dime for as long as they can
but yeah... letting people in
i mean, i used to avoid that in the past but, since im set on my goals, who cares?
if we're ever gona find anybody to share any true thoughts n feeings about any of this, its probly here