I struggle with extreme self-loathing. I just hate me so much. I have internalized so much pain. My brain is more like a torture chamber.
I feel like the things therapy says does not help at all. A part of me thinks I deserve this pain because I am so horrible. But that's irrational because I am victim of child abuse. I think I am pretty traumatized.
It is like I am in a really bad shape like all the fucking time. And then on top of that I torture myself because I am an intllectual fraud. I hate myself because I am not intelligent enough. I hate myself because I am so obsessed with intelligence. I changed all my hobbies to gain more knowledge. But I am not smart enough to gain real knowledge. I mostly read texts from the media. Sometimes journals. And I realize. The more I read about a topic, the less confidence do I have to have a strong opinion on it. But if I don't produce output I feel even more worthless. Real knowledge would be knowing double blind studies on topics, reading scientifical papers about p-values, variables, mediators and stuff like that. But I get exhausted of that pretty quickly. And I hate statistics.
Acceptance and self-foregiveness would be important.
It is insane how bad my condition is. I have so much free-time and I have the full time job to self-loath me. But college was even worse. I am a prisoner. And I am beyond the point to hate my parents for abusing me. Time cannot be reversed. But bro I certainly don't have a guilty conscience that my dad is in a clinic because I cannot work. I am not the perpetrator in this instance. And people who pretend otherwise can go fuck themselves. I think my sister will play this cynical game.
I cannot understand how people can actually like themselves. Liking myself feels surreal. Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Honestly, treating myself feels stupid because my flaws are so obvious. This obsession with intelligence is disgusting. But here is a paradox. Would it be dumb or smart to embrace my pathologies? Pro side: I actually could start to like me. But isn't my insecurity about intelligence just something to compensate my low self-esteem? Do I actually feel better when I fully embrace it or will I just feel more like a fraud? Con: When I reject my pathologies. I will hate my quirks that define my personality. I cannot change the way I function. I will disclaim the person I actually am. And never live in peace with myself. But haven't I already lost the war?
I wonder whether love could heal me. Someone who accepts me the way I am. My friends love me in this way but it does not change me much. I did not mind though when the woman I was in a sort of relationship called me to be sometimes stupid. I was pretty happy in that time period. Sadly, it collapsed so quickly.
I feel like the things therapy says does not help at all. A part of me thinks I deserve this pain because I am so horrible. But that's irrational because I am victim of child abuse. I think I am pretty traumatized.
It is like I am in a really bad shape like all the fucking time. And then on top of that I torture myself because I am an intllectual fraud. I hate myself because I am not intelligent enough. I hate myself because I am so obsessed with intelligence. I changed all my hobbies to gain more knowledge. But I am not smart enough to gain real knowledge. I mostly read texts from the media. Sometimes journals. And I realize. The more I read about a topic, the less confidence do I have to have a strong opinion on it. But if I don't produce output I feel even more worthless. Real knowledge would be knowing double blind studies on topics, reading scientifical papers about p-values, variables, mediators and stuff like that. But I get exhausted of that pretty quickly. And I hate statistics.
Acceptance and self-foregiveness would be important.
It is insane how bad my condition is. I have so much free-time and I have the full time job to self-loath me. But college was even worse. I am a prisoner. And I am beyond the point to hate my parents for abusing me. Time cannot be reversed. But bro I certainly don't have a guilty conscience that my dad is in a clinic because I cannot work. I am not the perpetrator in this instance. And people who pretend otherwise can go fuck themselves. I think my sister will play this cynical game.
I cannot understand how people can actually like themselves. Liking myself feels surreal. Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. Honestly, treating myself feels stupid because my flaws are so obvious. This obsession with intelligence is disgusting. But here is a paradox. Would it be dumb or smart to embrace my pathologies? Pro side: I actually could start to like me. But isn't my insecurity about intelligence just something to compensate my low self-esteem? Do I actually feel better when I fully embrace it or will I just feel more like a fraud? Con: When I reject my pathologies. I will hate my quirks that define my personality. I cannot change the way I function. I will disclaim the person I actually am. And never live in peace with myself. But haven't I already lost the war?
I wonder whether love could heal me. Someone who accepts me the way I am. My friends love me in this way but it does not change me much. I did not mind though when the woman I was in a sort of relationship called me to be sometimes stupid. I was pretty happy in that time period. Sadly, it collapsed so quickly.
