So, I was working today and felt fatigued; didn't have much sleep. I came home early and I felt a choking anxiety as I thought about how close in time my ctb attempt is. The thought of what comes after, if there is anything still somewhat terrifies,
I was christian years ago, and the thought of hell always weighed on me. Not only for me, but wondering about people I knew who died. When I moved out of Christianity and became agnostic atheist, I went on a journey through philosophy. I personally found that one of the oddly unifying things about the great thinkers of our race, was their willingness to trust in what they understood.
I don't know what's coming. I don't know a lot of things. What I do know is I've grown fond of the mystical style of thought that Alan Watts popularized, atheism in the name of god. The idea that I don't have to make claims about god, god's nature, heaven or hell; that I can look at all the aspects of it presented by our history, and accept how marvelous and terrifying our reality could be. I don't have to force anything, I can just be, and choose to see a reality that brings me comfort.
In a simple way this is what a remind myself when I'm afraid. Of course it doesn't stop the fear one bit, but something about the freedom of knowing nothing is 100% certain, gives me something else to focus on. It's all possible but it doesn't matter, doesn't change the life I've lived, and if I'm wrong there will hardly be any time for regrets.