Discussion Do (or did) your suicidal thoughts ever worry you?

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe this is going to seem a weird question. I know it's kind of pointless too. I'm honestly just wasting time while I wait to be rejected from recent job applications (lol.)

What is (or was) your feelings towards your suicidal thoughts? So- for me, the memory is kind of vague... I was 10 when I first had them. Horrible things had happened prior to that age but up until then, I suppose I had felt enough love and support to cope with them.

It was actually quite a weird feeling that I suddenly realised that I was SO unhappy that I really just wanted out. At the same time though- I'd been brought up to think that suicide was 'wrong' and worse- that suicides went to hell. So, at the same time- the thought kind of frightened me because I thought it was this taboo thing.

I guess I then just had these thoughts so many times that they began to feel normal. To the point now- that I can't imagine living without them. For me at least- I'm not 'tormented' by these thoughts. I'm 'tormented' by the frustration and fear that I can't act on them.

They're not something I have any intention of fighting because they feel logical to me and I suppose have become a part of my deeply cynical and pessimistic character.

How about you though? Has your initial reaction to these thoughts changed as you have lived with them? Maybe you've never been 'worried' by them? Maybe they've always felt logical? Maybe you are actually afraid of them or, deeply troubled by them? Maybe they don't feel like 'you' speaking at all? I'm just curious really...

 

[No longer suicidal😁]

I have never felt worried concerning my desire to CTB. Just like you, I only feel the frustration of not being able to act on them, not out of fear, but due to the lack of accessible peaceful methods. I know I will do it at the end. Me rotting away inside my room while people my age are moving from one milestone to another is something I can't bare with. I'm already preparing for my CTB, I really can't wait to not be.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, it makes sense to be constantly thinking about suicide as it's the most rational thing to wish to prevent unnecessary suffering and problems that are an inevitable consequence of existing. I simply despise being in this world, I see it as being a tedious burden having the ability to be aware of all this. Even when I was very young I found the thought of death to be comforting and I envied those who died. There's no value to being trapped here and delaying our inevitable fate could never be beneficial so of course I wish for suicide. I don't want to suffer in any way and I see life itself as being the true problem as after all there are no disadvantages to being dead but there are an unlimited amount of things wrong with continuing to exist.

I think instead the worrying thing is how the subject of suicide is still so stigmatised and how people are denied method options to free themselves from this horrific world. This will just mean that people will inevitably suffer more and that is so awful to me. Having thoughts of suicide is just having awareness of this world. I don't get how anyone can want to exist in a world where there is unlimited potential to be tortured, I see that as being something to avoid at all costs. It's irrational to want to suffer.

 

[Unending]

For quite some time, I've found myself going back and forth from the overly logical "It's just survival instinct, I'll get over it!" type mindset to a more emotional "I don't want to die but have no other options," type of mindset at random intervals.

My suicidal thoughts worry me during the latter mindset because it makes me think that something I'd like to have had work out will be cut short with no other visible options.

On the contrary, When I'm thinking about things from the former mindset, my suicidal thoughts mainly just scare me because I feel like the more I experience them and don't act on them, the more likely it is that I'll just be trapped here for the full sentence.

 

[Wannagonow]

Initially, eons ago, I treated my suicidal thoughts a bit differently than today. It was like a safety net inside my head. When that uncontrollable depression would hit (I'm bipolar), I'd make a plan to ctb and think obsessively about it. Knowing I had a plan got me thru those episodes of depression. As I've gotten older, simply having the idea (or plan) doesn't work for me anymore. I've made serious attempts along the way. All that taught me was you don't want to try and fail. So now there is more urgency in my thoughts. Maybe now I'm a little worried about the process in a way I never was. Thoughts of ctb consume me. I'm much closer to leaving this world than I was when I was younger. I appreciate your post. It really made me stop and think.

 

[SamTam33]

I'm in the "Those thoughts never worried me" camp. Suicide for me is just as normal as church is for others.

The only way I can explain my original thoughts on the topic (when I was very young) is that I saw suicide as this option hidden behind a door that no one ever opened or looked inside. I watched as people passed by the door as if it didn't exist.

But I knew what I wanted was behind that effin' door.

The thoughts have always felt logical. In the same way that some kids know what they want to be when they grow up, I've always known that I wanted to die.

It has never changed. It never will.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

well... i guess if were going all the way back, i grew up in a disgusting hoarders household with an emotionally abusive father and an absent mother
so when i was younger, around like 12 yeah, i legitimately thought either my dad was going to have to die- or i was, for anything to change
buuut then i fell into dating my best friend at the time, and
feels cliche to say someone 'saved your life' but she really did, and even after things ended- and i lost her as a friend after, too- the confidence and whatever else it gave my lasted until after high school
it helped my dad was almost permanently out of my life after high school started

mostly the suicidal thoughts were gone until after i had my first job around 2015-ish
2017 i made another really great friend and it was like a year of coming to her streams every single day she was live, hanging out and playing games and shit
i know how that sounds but we really were friends, hung out outside of the stream and shit and even at one point when my processor died she sent me a whole new one and motherboard just to help out, so
i consider her one of the best friends i ever had
but by that point my depression was starting to get bad again, she didnt know how to handle that and eventually just got new friends
losing her was one of the first times i remember having thoughts of suicidal since theyd gone away when i was a kid

and yeah, the thoughts *did* worry me, but i was too scared to really admit it to anyone
i think i started therapy around 2018 for the first time because i knew how bad the depression was, but my memory is bad as for exactly when
i got a lot worse around that time
but 2019 is when i met my ex and we kinda trauma bonded over it, she was the first person i really opened up to about those thoughts, but it was like i was in denial they were real and present, i still acted like it was only really a problem when i was a kid

things ended with my ex the end of that year and 2020 is when my suicidal thought started getting worse, i quit therapy after having some awful experiences with my previous therapist there- the same guy whos brilliant solution to not missing my ex anymore was to blame her and hate her instead lmao
honestly i felt extremely guilty for not treating her the best, i developed a cutting habit to cope with the guilt, but eventually the guilt aspect faded out and it just started being a way to cope with emotions
2021 was when the thoughts got the worst and it *really* started worrying me, so i got a doctor and was working with him, being honest about the self harm and shit too for the most part but still not being totally honest about the suicidal thoughts
between then and mid-2022 i must have tried a dozen different meds, wound up having to go to the ER twice because of it and quit cold-turkey twice because i was so frustrated by none of the pills working- this second time was the last and i havent seen my doctor in a quarter of the year probably
i also started up therapy again around the time i got my doctor but things havent really been going great
ive tried to be as honest as possible without winding up institutionalized for it... every time he asks me if im safe, i tell him if i were capable of it i probably would have already at *least* tried, but the fear of pain or messing up prevents me from ever even getting far enough to plan
and thats true, but
i havent told him yet just how badly i wish i was capable of it haha
it still feels like my life gets worse every year and yet im no closer to ending things than i was a year ago so

to make a tl;dr. at some point yeah the thoughts *really* worried me and i tried everything i could to get better, but ive spent the last 3-4 years thinking about it a lot and... it doesnt so much worry me any more as much as not being able to go through with it does
now im more scared ill have to suffer for the rest of my life rather than taking the so-called 'easy way out' and ending the suffering prematurely

i still dont know if ill ever be capable of it
im too much of a coward haha
but one thing is for sure, there isnt anything left in my life to live for, nobody and nothing to fight for
and nobody left to care, so
i guess im just waiting for things to get bad enough that i feel like i have no other choice and i finally make an attempt
or therapy and meds wind up working and i get to a point i can get a job, move out of this awful household (its the same awful trailed i lived in when i was 12, actually) and start working on myself so that i can finally stop being alone- or at least constantly feeling like i am
finally start feeling like my existence matters to someone

but to say the latter doesnt feel possible would be an understatement

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Only that I'll be still having to deal with them 30 years down the line.

 

[escaped]

I've had suicidal thoughts since maybe 5th grade. They scared my parents when I told them how I was feeling. So naturally I felt as if I needed to fear them.

As an adult now, they bring me nothing but comfort. It's like my brain is protecting me from pain by finding a way out. Selfish but whatever

 

[twitchymouse]

honestly, yeah. it still scares me a lot of the time.
I just know so many people who dont think about ctb ever.
for me, its so often i usually dont even realize im thinking about it. sometimes my more gore-ridden thoughts really get to me and make me anxious.
ever since I've been on antidepressants they've caused me a lot less panic, but i think i have the thoughts more.

 

[WitheringBird02]

Yes they worry me always reason being I don't want to live but i don't want to die either. And they worry me cuz i have tried before but luckily failed and since I tried before i always think that if i did it once i could do it again if things get more than i could handle that's why.

 

[itsallpointless]

Nope. Now I am sure I need to do it

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

Sometimes?

After a stretch of time without having them it can be a bit unsettling for them to pop up again.