Venting Do I really have nothing to live for?

[anonymouswebuser]

A question I was asked terrified me
"What's the one thing in your life that makes it more tolerable/keeps you going a bit in your everyday life?"
Some of my former classmates were discussing this
Some said "My mom, My boyfriend, A hobby, etc"
I didn't really put much though into it, I was just scrolling on my phone but one of them nudged me and asked me the same question
I remained silent, I couldn't find anything at all, I never asked this question to myself
I couldn't even find anything silly such as a show or a hobby that comforts me.
I've been asking this question to myself for the past week
I have a horrible relationship with my family, I don't have a partner,I don't have people I can confidently label as my friends anymore, I hate how my art turns out and drawing overall is just a stressful experience for me rather than relaxing and it's the only hobby I have, I don't get attached to any particular show, I don't have any actual dreams or a dream job I'd work hard for after college and therapy is doing nothing to help me.
I just keep going for no reason, I was always hesitant about considering CTB because I told myself there's probably something I have in my life that I'll be hesitant to abandon
but there's nothing really, I'm just holding back for nothing
There are 2 other reasons why I haven't considered CTB which are:

1. I'm just a coward and I'm terrified of the existence of an afterlife
2. I don't have the resources or the place AT ALL

But the reason I cared about the most was the existence of something that makes my day a little better that I wouldn't like to leave just yet but I never actually thought to myself what the hell is that one thing that I don't want to leave

 

[getoutgirl]

When anhedonia and depression kick in usually there is little you find worth it at that moment. To me the one thing that kept me going for a while was the fact that, at least rationally, I wanted to Want things. Or those things I didn't have at the moment I knew that if I had them I could probably stick around for them. Be it good friends or a partner or a hobby I'd be passionate about, a future to aspire to... the things I'd like in life
When you have nothing I don't think it's best to think in terms of what would you be hesitant to abandon, but rather what would you need or like to have that's out there.
Getting that tho, even figuring that, and in that state? hard as hell. So is staying in that limbo. Sucks and I'm sorry <3