I have posted a bit ago about having a falling out with my positive/neutral outlook on people in general. I have become very recluse, and although I hang out and talk to the friends I do have, I feel like I don't belong with them deep down.
I met my friends through a shared interest of the game deltarune. A game that promotes diversity and acceptance of others. Something that although a little juvenile, I find appealing due to the cozy nature of the characters and the game's community (the not crappy part anyhow).
I wish I could belong there, but I think I am too messed up to really have any genuine connection to people. Because of the experiences I went through, I have internalized feelings of racism and transphobia. I know it's terrible to feel that way towards certain people but I have to be honest with myself.
I thought maybe that I could be a part of something. I WANT to be supportive of others regardless of who they are. I WANT to be with others who genuinely care. I WANT to feel loved. But... I don't think I ever will. Because I view myself as an anomaly. An error. Marked. Someone who doesn't fit in this world yet here I am just going with the mundane motions to live.
So, should I just give up? I don't have a plan to ctb but rather give up in trying to be in a community? Accept that I am just not compatiable with others and leave the ones I have so that they can be rid of me and my near constant venting that I know they don't want to hear but encourage me to do it anyway.
I met my friends through a shared interest of the game deltarune. A game that promotes diversity and acceptance of others. Something that although a little juvenile, I find appealing due to the cozy nature of the characters and the game's community (the not crappy part anyhow).
I wish I could belong there, but I think I am too messed up to really have any genuine connection to people. Because of the experiences I went through, I have internalized feelings of racism and transphobia. I know it's terrible to feel that way towards certain people but I have to be honest with myself.
I thought maybe that I could be a part of something. I WANT to be supportive of others regardless of who they are. I WANT to be with others who genuinely care. I WANT to feel loved. But... I don't think I ever will. Because I view myself as an anomaly. An error. Marked. Someone who doesn't fit in this world yet here I am just going with the mundane motions to live.
So, should I just give up? I don't have a plan to ctb but rather give up in trying to be in a community? Accept that I am just not compatiable with others and leave the ones I have so that they can be rid of me and my near constant venting that I know they don't want to hear but encourage me to do it anyway.
