Do I deserve to live after my past?

[RaincloudSayori]

Hello again everyone,

I've been struggling with a level of regret these past two years because of so many mistakes that I've made and so many people that I've hurt. If you saw my other post, you will know that I had put up a social wall and almost totally isolated myself. That isolation is beginning to cause my regrets to eat up at me and pose a question: do I really deserve the life I've been given?

Up until a few months ago, I was manipulative, a liar, and I hurt a close friend via backstabbing. I has defended someone blindly for something that I should have condemned them for because I felt a sexual attraction to them. There are so many dark parts of my that I've pushed hard to fix and correct. I've gone to therapy to try and fix my manipulative tendencies (it's a lot better now, still a bit to go) and I have sincere apologies to those I had wronged in the past. With a few exceptions, I was forgiven by most yet they still want to keep a distance away from me.

Is my past too dark and awful for me to go on trying to enjoy life now? Everytime I laugh or enjoy something now, a voice in my head reminds me "think of what you did to them, you don't deserve happiness". I feel guilt for feeling happy because of how disgusting of a person that I am, and I don't know if I should be allowed to keep living my life, happy or not. I've been given a lot of academic opportunities for college, but it feels undeserved and unearned. What should I do…?

 

[CentreMid]

Well, before I continue, I'm very sorry that you're feeling like this. Shame and guilt aren't very pleasant, that's for sure. That being said, I'm very glad that you are able to recognize the harm you've caused to others. I'm also glad that you intend to fix said tendencies and are working towards doing so. Many people can't do that. Anywho, we all have our faults and chapters we'd prefer not to publish. Nobody's perfect after all, myself included.

That being said, there is no right or wrong reason for wanting to die. If you feel like you don't deserve to continue living because of your past, then that's valid.

Best of luck, and take care.

 

[storeboughtisfine]

making ammends doesnt always mean reconnecting. sometimes we hurt people too badly for them to want reconnection. we have to live with that. unfortunately that's just the way it is. the fact you're owning up to your past, taking accountability, and trying to fix it means you're moving towards becoming a better version of yourself. some people may never forgive you. and that's on them, not on you. you have the opportunity to start progress towards being better, and you have to do it for you.

now YOU have to forgive YOU.

i wish you much luck on your journey. thinking of you.

 

[Valky]

100% agreeing with @storeboughtisfine. Couldn't have said it better.

I wish you all the best, you got this <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do- however that is- don't feel guilty for the moments you are happy. You clearly do feel remorse for how you believe you behaved. You obviously regret it. Constantly regretting it won't change it though. It happened- it's done. I guess the most important thing is to not repeat the behaviour and to try and make ammends if you possbly can.

 

[RaincloudSayori]

The guilt is extremely strong today, I have a feeling that today is high risk for me to cbt thankfully. I hope this is it.

 

[storeboughtisfine]

The guilt is extremely strong today, I have a feeling that today is high risk for me to cbt thankfully. I hope this is it.

Stay safe.

 

[peachchildtenshi]

hey, im in a bit of a situation like yours, I was manipulative and abusive, its been years since but to this day I still could not forgive myself and lately I have also isolated myself from close ones. No matter how many times I tried to forget about it, leave it aside, I would always be reminded of my mistakes and the amount of things I could have done better. I absolutely loathe myself and I dont deserve happiness .
I hope you go through it with ease, and slowly try to forgive yourself.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Hello again everyone,

I've been struggling with a level of regret these past two years because of so many mistakes that I've made and so many people that I've hurt. If you saw my other post, you will know that I had put up a social wall and almost totally isolated myself. That isolation is beginning to cause my regrets to eat up at me and pose a question: do I really deserve the life I've been given?

Up until a few months ago, I was manipulative, a liar, and I hurt a close friend via backstabbing. I has defended someone blindly for something that I should have condemned them for because I felt a sexual attraction to them. There are so many dark parts of my that I've pushed hard to fix and correct. I've gone to therapy to try and fix my manipulative tendencies (it's a lot better now, still a bit to go) and I have sincere apologies to those I had wronged in the past. With a few exceptions, I was forgiven by most yet they still want to keep a distance away from me.

Is my past too dark and awful for me to go on trying to enjoy life now? Everytime I laugh or enjoy something now, a voice in my head reminds me "think of what you did to them, you don't deserve happiness". I feel guilt for feeling happy because of how disgusting of a person that I am, and I don't know if I should be allowed to keep living my life, happy or not. I've been given a lot of academic opportunities for college, but it feels undeserved and unearned. What should I do…?

I've also done terrible things in the past. I choose to believe everyone deserves a second chance, if they do a few things: see it was wrong, have regret for doing it, and taking action to atone (if that is possible, sometimes the situation warrants leaving those people their space from us so they can heal and have a better life). I would add one more thing too: if you want to deserve it, you have to be willing to do that yourself. We can't expect treatment we aren't willing to give to others ourselves.

From what you said, it sounds to me like you are doing those first few things I mentioned. That just leaves the question about that last thing. Are you capable of giving others a second chance who are doing those things I talked about? If not yet, is that something you can do you think? Because if so, then I think you should forgive yourself.

This is especially true if someone you hurt and knows you did have expressed they forgive you. This site is all about respect for individual autonomy. If their choice with their own is to forgive you and you respect them, then it's all the more reason to consider forgiving yourself.

I may be missing context and don't know you as thoroughly as you or the people in your personal life do, but with everything you did say here you strike me as a decent person. You cate about what you did and trying to do better. That's beautiful and commendable. I'd encourage you to try looking at it that way too. Don't do what I say, just consider my perspective and make up your mind for yourself. But you give me a great vibe and I bet that's what those people in your personal life see too. The you that you were doesn't have to invalidate the you who exists now. If you respect the former, then I think respecting the latter makes sense too. You are a coin with two sides that way, so try to see both sides and not disregard either. Make your own decision from there. Sending you love.

 

[Jezzibell]

I am the same to a great degree but I've done worse. I hate myself. I've been late diagnosed with adhd and it sort of explains my risk taking impulsivity. I know right from wrong but I have no regard for consequences. I'm such a coward that instead of owning up I will ctb. I've always had a death wish. In my late teens I was obsessed with dying. I'm obsessed with it now but it has to work.

If you are happy. Rejoice. Grab every moment because being happiness is the greatest challenge. And usually its fleeting. Acknowledge your behaviour and just commit to making a change for the better.

 

[miu]

making ammends doesnt always mean reconnecting. sometimes we hurt people too badly for them to want reconnection. we have to live with that. unfortunately that's just the way it is. the fact you're owning up to your past, taking accountability, and trying to fix it means you're moving towards becoming a better version of yourself. some people may never forgive you. and that's on them, not on you. you have the opportunity to start progress towards being better, and you have to do it for you.

now YOU have to forgive YOU.

i wish you much luck on your journey. thinking of you.

i resonate with this a lot, you put this so beautifully. acknowledging your past for what it is is more difficult than most people might realize, but sometimes all we can do is - well, try to move forward.

 

[Abdullah]

Hello again everyone,

I've been struggling with a level of regret these past two years because of so many mistakes that I've made and so many people that I've hurt. If you saw my other post, you will know that I had put up a social wall and almost totally isolated myself. That isolation is beginning to cause my regrets to eat up at me and pose a question: do I really deserve the life I've been given?

Up until a few months ago, I was manipulative, a liar, and I hurt a close friend via backstabbing. I has defended someone blindly for something that I should have condemned them for because I felt a sexual attraction to them. There are so many dark parts of my that I've pushed hard to fix and correct. I've gone to therapy to try and fix my manipulative tendencies (it's a lot better now, still a bit to go) and I have sincere apologies to those I had wronged in the past. With a few exceptions, I was forgiven by most yet they still want to keep a distance away from me.

Is my past too dark and awful for me to go on trying to enjoy life now? Everytime I laugh or enjoy something now, a voice in my head reminds me "think of what you did to them, you don't deserve happiness". I feel guilt for feeling happy because of how disgusting of a person that I am, and I don't know if I should be allowed to keep living my life, happy or not. I've been given a lot of academic opportunities for college, but it feels undeserved and unearned. What should I do…?

First off, it's great that you have the self-awareness to see the error of your ways but maybe you're being too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, that's fine. Nobody is perfect. I too feel like you the way I hurt my ex who was my soul-mate. I also hurt my family yet they forgave me but I feel like I don't deserve their forgiveness for what I said and done to them.

If you have academic opportunities, I would say take them. You never know who you'll meet in the future. The right person can change your outlook in life. It's perfectly natural for people to distance themselves after being hurt as they say, "once bitten, twice shy". You may never have the opportunity to fully make amends. You think Judas could have looked Jesus in the face and apologise for his betrayal? I don't know the extent of what you have done to these people but you just have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life like I have to live with mine.

When I CTB, this guilt would partially be my motive. Just don't let it prevent you from living your life. You have a choice either you go on living or you find a way to end it all. I'm not here to influence your choice on the matter. It's your life, you choose.

 

[HyperdimensionLoser]

Dude I feel the same way too. I've been a huge sack of shit to the people I've known back then and the people I know now. I've always had this perspective that people can change for the better, but if I haven't improved at all in the past 10 years then what the hell is the point?

It looks like you've been able to make an effort to change and grow as a person though so don't give up hope yet!

 

[RaincloudSayori]

I ended up not going yesterday and having a relatively good day. Also I was reading through everyone's messages and I feel really touched that people are willing to give me grace even though they don't know me. Thank you to everyone who said something kind in this post, I love you all a lot. <3

making ammends doesnt always mean reconnecting. sometimes we hurt people too badly for them to want reconnection. we have to live with that. unfortunately that's just the way it is. the fact you're owning up to your past, taking accountability, and trying to fix it means you're moving towards becoming a better version of yourself. some people may never forgive you. and that's on them, not on you. you have the opportunity to start progress towards being better, and you have to do it for you.

now YOU have to forgive YOU.

i wish you much luck on your journey. thinking of you

Thank you for saying something so sweet ^^

I am the same to a great degree but I've done worse. I hate myself. I've been late diagnosed with adhd and it sort of explains my risk taking impulsivity. I know right from wrong but I have no regard for consequences. I'm such a coward that instead of owning up I will ctb. I've always had a death wish. In my late teens I was obsessed with dying. I'm obsessed with it now but it has to work.

If you are happy. Rejoice. Grab every moment because being happiness is the greatest challenge. And usually its fleeting. Acknowledge your behaviour and just commit to making a change for the better.

I'll try to do this, thank you

I've also done terrible things in the past. I choose to believe everyone deserves a second chance, if they do a few things: see it was wrong, have regret for doing it, and taking action to atone (if that is possible, sometimes the situation warrants leaving those people their space from us so they can heal and have a better life). I would add one more thing too: if you want to deserve it, you have to be willing to do that yourself. We can't expect treatment we aren't willing to give to others ourselves.

From what you said, it sounds to me like you are doing those first few things I mentioned. That just leaves the question about that last thing. Are you capable of giving others a second chance who are doing those things I talked about? If not yet, is that something you can do you think? Because if so, then I think you should forgive yourself.

This is especially true if someone you hurt and knows you did have expressed they forgive you. This site is all about respect for individual autonomy. If their choice with their own is to forgive you and you respect them, then it's all the more reason to consider forgiving yourself.

I may be missing context and don't know you as thoroughly as you or the people in your personal life do, but with everything you did say here you strike me as a decent person. You cate about what you did and trying to do better. That's beautiful and commendable. I'd encourage you to try looking at it that way too. Don't do what I say, just consider my perspective and make up your mind for yourself. But you give me a great vibe and I bet that's what those people in your personal life see too. The you that you were doesn't have to invalidate the you who exists now. If you respect the former, then I think respecting the latter makes sense too. You are a coin with two sides that way, so try to see both sides and not disregard either. Make your own decision from there. Sending you love.

I am willing to forgive others who have wronged me because I believe that if they ask for forgiveness, then they absolutely deserve to be forgiven. It's just so hard doing it to myself and being willing to just move on from how awful I was.

 

[RaincloudSayori]

hey, im in a bit of a situation like yours, I was manipulative and abusive, its been years since but to this day I still could not forgive myself and lately I have also isolated myself from close ones. No matter how many times I tried to forget about it, leave it aside, I would always be reminded of my mistakes and the amount of things I could have done better. I absolutely loathe myself and I dont deserve happiness .
I hope you go through it with ease, and slowly try to forgive yourself.

I'll try my best for the sake of my parents because I know that I make them sad and scared because of how strong my self hatred is. Thank you for the kind wishes ^^

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I am the same to a great degree but I've done worse. I hate myself. I've been late diagnosed with adhd and it sort of explains my risk taking impulsivity. I know right from wrong but I have no regard for consequences. I'm such a coward that instead of owning up I will ctb. I've always had a death wish. In my late teens I was obsessed with dying. I'm obsessed with it now but it has to work.

If you are happy. Rejoice. Grab every moment because being happiness is the greatest challenge. And usually its fleeting. Acknowledge your behaviour and just commit to making a change for the better.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'm not in that place of self-loathing now, but have been countless times so I know how fucking oppressive that feeling is. I'm sure you deserve better than you think you do though. If there's anything you need to vent about or want a different perspective on you need only ask. Can't promise I can change anything for you for sure, but I can listen and care and we can go from there, if you want anyway. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Jezzibell]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'm not in that place of self-loathing now, but have been countless times so I know how fucking oppressive that feeling is. I'm sure you deserve better than you think you do though. If there's anything you need to vent about or want a different perspective on you need only ask. Can't promise I can change anything for you for sure, but I can listen and care and we can go from there, if you want anyway. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you. I really do appreciate your kindness and offer of support

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Thank you. I really do appreciate your kindness and offer of support

You're welcome. I'm sorry I didn't say something even sooner to you; I've seen other posts you've made and have posted and wanted to. I just wanted to find the right words first, I like to take time to make sure I'm organizing my thoughts properly. And even if life in general is miserable for you right now I hope you are finding what moments of peace in the middle of all that you can. Easier said than done to find those I know, but still something hopefully. You seem like a thoughtful person from everything I've seen so far so I've no doubt you deserve that.

 

[hellispink]

If they have forgiven you and you are actively trying to be a better person and so are them, then you can try to move forward. As long as now you work on yourself and be responsible from now on. You have the choice to be better if you want to. So start from there

 

[RaincloudSayori]

I'm thinking about college coming up in a few months, and I'm terrified that I'm not mature enough simply by looking at the various class options that I have to pick from. Part of me just wants to give up, throw away my admission to my college and fade into obscurity. I dunno what to do anymore, how is everyone else so prepared for this?