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noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,563
The guy in my self-help group is together with a borderline woman. This guy is very intelligent. Way more intelligent than me. I could not follow his reasoning completely.
His relationship seems to work fine and I wanted to know how to set the boundaries texting with the borderline woman. (I was scared she could manipulate me.-> but I did not articulate that). Turns out he sees it completely differently/the opposite way. He said the question is sort of offensive. He is way smarter than me. I am not sure which implications were offensive. I think defining her over the diagnosis was offensive. He said he and his girlfriend don't talk about diagnoses. Asking the question was sort of rude.

I am actually using her a tool. I think this is what he wanted to allude to. And this could be true. We both seem to enjoy the texting a lot. It is very intense for both of us. The last time I hugged her she smiled and was so happy that we text together. However, it seems obvious I am using her as a substitution for a girlfriend. Borderline people seemingly lack a self-identity and adapt to the other person. This is why relationships with them can be overwhelmingly beautiful. This is actually what I feel like. It is very relieving to text with her. I am so fucking desperate. But it is mostly about my own needs. Don't get me wrong. Here I am not sure. Actually I try to help her. I ask her how she is doing and all of that. I treat her good. But he is sort of true that she is sort of a tool. She adapts to my needs. She is the person I dream about. But that's not because she wants that instead she only wants to please me. It is pathological of her.

Often when I talk to smarter people I learn that I am pretty flawed. I cried heavily because of that conversation. I feel bad. (and stupid). It reminded me of the talk with the STEM professor. I wanted to learn more about myself I wanted to find a way to live. But smarter people than me often perceive me badly. They speak out nasty truths I am seemingly not aware of. I wanted that this STEM professors saves me. And instead he perceived me presumptuous and annoying. I did not tell him that 2 therapists gave me up. He thought my desperation was only delusional. At least I swallowed the truth I did not want he feels bad because of me.

Maybe my punishment for being on this website is that I will kill myself eventually. So many people call us monsters. Maybe I have deserved it to kill myself. There are certainly bad apples who prey on someone saying something like that. And personally I don't seem to be an inherent evil person. But maybe I speckled/stained myself with guilt/blood being member on here for such a long time. (I never encouraged someone, I never send sources and I never helped someone in dying.) I ask myself the question whether I might be in a simulation and deserve all of the pain. (might be a pathological thought). But how did I deserve all the child abuse since the age of 5. But is this an excuse for my current actions? Wouldn't the world be better without me? I tried to post a lot on recovery and tried to speak out againt some pro-death members. But I don't know. I think the question of guilt should not influence my decision to kill myself. It would be a self-fulfiling prophecy in some way. If all members of SaSu thought that way they would all kill themselves. And this would not be good. In my opinion suicide forums with the current laws have a legitimacy. Maybe I am too stupid to intervene in this discussion. Maybe I should have stayed out of it.

I have the feeling my life approaches its end. I have a guilty conscience towards my loves one's. I am not sure whether I should burden them with that. But I seem to break sooner or later. I am thinking about killing myself in October.
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

I was wrong
Sep 19, 2023
948
I'm not going to pretend I understand borderline or am an expert, but could she never have a relationship without being a tool? That's what it sounds like based on what you've said, because any person interested in her she will try to please. Doesn't it seem unfair to preclude her from any relationship?
 
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noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,563
I'm not going to pretend I understand borderline or am an expert, but could she never have a relationship without being a tool? That's what it sounds like based on what you've said, because any person interested in her she will try to please. Doesn't it seem unfair to preclude her from any relationship?
That's sort of true. Thanks for this reply it calms me down.

And to the people who are angry on me. What is your suggestion? She likes our exchange. She wants our exchange. Shall I still stop texting with her? I consider that. I don't want to use her as a tool. But it is sort of true that when this adaptation is pathological (almost?) all of her social contacts are structured that way.

I have the feeling either we have to find a healthy way to maintain that friendship or it is better to end it. Currently there is harmony. But I have the feeling I am way too much of a wreck and already way too dependent on her so that it stays that way.

I tend to end this friendship. Or to lessen the frequency of our contact a lot. Better suggestions are highly welcome.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
19,952
Don't bother. Not because she's borderline, but because you should accept no substitutions. Even a real girlfriend's benefits may eventually fade or lose their potency so how long do you expect a proxy of a girlfriend to actually last?
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
7,950
To be honest, I think all friendships and non familial relationships are in part about using one another as tools. Otherwise, we'd like everyone equally the same. We don't though. We have people we click more with than others. Probably because they fill more of our needs, we fill theirs or, we both fill one another's. I don't think it's something you should feel guilty for. It sounds like it's a mutual appreciation at the moment- that's fine. That's friendship. What would be more questionable is if you did feel like you were just using her and intended to dump her. Or, you were leading her on to get something you wanted. It doesn't sound like that though.

Maybe the guy you mentioned thinks he's too smart to be manipulated by someone and I suppose none of us like to believe we are using someone. I think most people in a relationship like to think they have something genuine and special.
 
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NumbItAll

NumbItAll

expendable
May 20, 2018
1,032
In my opinion the psychiatric label does not matter at all. I would look at her as a woman/friend, not a borderline woman. As long as she is a mutual participant I don't really see the problem? It sounds like you are both happy to have each other -- take yes for an answer.