Sometimes yes, and I actually think it got worse when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It just couldn't happen in the worst possible time, I was finally feeling good enough to take care of my depression and my ADHD, and sudenly boom! You got a chronic illnes that will make even more useless and will make you feel like more of a failure! It was like the final nail in the coffin of the the idea "I will never be okay" whenever I try to solve one problem my own brain will inmidiatly conjure up another, so it just leaves me thinking: what the hell is the fucking point to continue to live? I'll never be happy.
What's worst is that, even thought during my childhood my parents were abusive, they did a complete 180° when they discovered I was cutting and after that they been keeping really close tabs with my health, either mentally or in anyother way. So right now they are paying for my doctors my medications and love-bombing me any chance they get, eventhought sometimes their masks slips and they complain or yell at me about how expensive my medicines are, or they take me to my doctors apointments with a really bad mood. Still, the effort and the love is there. Except that I feel like a paracite, a leach that's sucking onto everyone's finances, energy and wellbeing. Me and my panick attacks have already destroyed the relationships between my family members to the point none of us (I have also two siblings) stand to be in the same room let alone actually talk with one another. And now my ilness will just ruin them financialy and for what? nothing, is not like I could ever be cured.
So I just trap myself in thought of "I should be dead" "I'm just a burden" "I can never do anything right" becasue, at least in my opinion is true. Sometimes I fantasize about being able of getting better, of getting my ass up and start being productive, and working hard and making something out of my miserable existence. But just when I convince myself that everything is possible I would get another flare up and lie in bed and sleep fro 10 hours before deciding to do the bare minimum to not get kicked out of my collegue. I still kinda have hopes and dreams, but I've convinced myself that I have to die because success is not an option for me, is either death or killing everyone around me with my toxic parasitic traits.
