Venting disturbing topic warning

[ctbgurl]

My suicidal and homicidal thoughts consume me daily. I surround myself with negativity because I find comfort in it, and I am not looking for help anymore. In the past I tried to get help, but no matter what medication i'm on, all my brain does is tell me to hurt other people and then myself. It's exhausting having your mind wonder to this state so often, and it sometimes keeps me up at night. I've become desensitized and i've forgotten my morals, (if I even ever had them.) I grew up in a horrific family, my mother treated me horribly as hers did to her and my father was the same. I couldn't find comfort in anyone but my sister, but as I grew older I began to secretly despise her due to me being compared to her by my parents throughout my life. It's not an excuse for the thoughts I have and things I want to do, but it's a little background on why I am the way I am. I hear strange noises in my mind all the time that make me feel even more disassociated from normality, and they've only gotten louder and worse as i've gotten older. I have nothing, no meaning other than to hurt myself and other people. This is just one of the many reasons I want to CTB, mostly a main reason. I have no value for myself or anyone around me.

 

[Shivali]

No one is worthless

 

[jodes2]

You deserve to feel better. Don't let your thoughts define you. With the right help you can improve things. Don't let things get worse! What you are experiencing is not your fault and that you don't have to go through this alone. It's not uncommon for people who have experienced trauma and abuse to struggle with their mental health. It's also important to understand that your thoughts do not define you and that seeking help is a sign of strength. Therapy could really help. You don't need to live like this. You deserve a fulfilling life

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to put up with. Existing certainly can be torture, and it's beyond horrific how people bring life into this world just to treat them so badly. No wonder so many people wish to die when people cause so much harm.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you really want help for your PD, you can't just give up because nothing has worked up until now. You need to seek out a new doctor and tell them what hasn't worked and see if they can find something that does.