M.O.N
Member
- Aug 9, 2023
- 62
hi all, I came across this site while doing research on the SN method. this may be lengthy, so I apologize in advance.
my best friend recently ended her life using that method, something that caught me completely by surprise. we initially met each other through a mutual friend but as we got to know each other, we realized how similar our lives had been and how many complicated feelings we shared about our lives, our families, and the world in general and became very close. we were both suicidal, had been for the majority of our lives for different reasons. years of knowing each other and experiencing and re-experiencing pain both old and new brought us to a suicide pact. we both knew that suicide was the only option for us due to severe mental health issues and untreatable trauma that made everyday life hell for both of us. we agreed that we'd give every day our all, whatever that meant for us, and when the day came that one of us came to the other and said "I want to do it now", we would. she owned a shotgun and our plan was simple: she'd blow my brains out first (since I've never owned or used a gun) then her own.
but like I said , that didn't happen and instead I received a call from another of our mutual friends telling me that her corpse had been found in her bed. I was shocked, confused, angry, and hurt. both because of the sudden loss and because of the broken promise. I later received a letter she'd written to me explaining that she'd reached her breaking point weeks ago and didn't have it in her to live another day. in the letter, she apologized for breaking our promise but said that she couldn't find it in herself to end my life too because I'd seemed happier and she didn't want to take away my opportunity to live a happy life, or to find healing. in reality, I'd just been using again and was finding peace in that since I'd been reaching the same point she had but didn't want to bring it up to her because she'd seemed more relaxed and less afraid of everything. (ha ha)
while many questions had been answered, I was still confused as to why she used SN, how she knew to use it, and what the process of her death was like (was it painful? was it slow? could she have stopped it if she wanted to?) and I found my way here. I was reading the SN guide (might be the wrong word to use, srry if so) and realized that the reason this site looked so familiar is because she'd sent me a few screencaps of funny comments people had made on here in the months leading to her death. I've been lurking for a few days now and I want to say, knowing that she had this community when she left has brought me a peace about the entire situation I never thought I'd feel. I feel as if finding this was a gift from her in a way, and I can only imagine how much of a gift this site and all of you were to her during a time where she must have felt so alone.
as of now, I'm actively working to secure all of the supplies I need to go via SN. no luck yet, but the search has just started. I'm planning to go on her birthday, which gives me just under a year to get my affairs in order and complete my death plans in hopes that it will minimize the work my family will have to do when I'm gone, as well as complete notes for my family and friends, and give my belongings to the appropriate people.
since she's been gone, I've felt like nobody understands me, like I'm truly alone, like I deserve it for not being honest with her about how I was feeling. like maybe I'd left her alone too. in the short time I've been lurking, I've never felt so seen by anyone since her. I feel like everything I've ever felt or thought has been spilled through the hearts of other users on here and it's amazing. I'm not sure how involved she was in the community, or for how long she was, but I hope to get to know you all and, in a way, get to know her even though she's not here. thanks to anyone who reads this, sorry if this is too long or oversharing, but finding this site feels like a miracle.
Much love to everyone here x
my best friend recently ended her life using that method, something that caught me completely by surprise. we initially met each other through a mutual friend but as we got to know each other, we realized how similar our lives had been and how many complicated feelings we shared about our lives, our families, and the world in general and became very close. we were both suicidal, had been for the majority of our lives for different reasons. years of knowing each other and experiencing and re-experiencing pain both old and new brought us to a suicide pact. we both knew that suicide was the only option for us due to severe mental health issues and untreatable trauma that made everyday life hell for both of us. we agreed that we'd give every day our all, whatever that meant for us, and when the day came that one of us came to the other and said "I want to do it now", we would. she owned a shotgun and our plan was simple: she'd blow my brains out first (since I've never owned or used a gun) then her own.
but like I said , that didn't happen and instead I received a call from another of our mutual friends telling me that her corpse had been found in her bed. I was shocked, confused, angry, and hurt. both because of the sudden loss and because of the broken promise. I later received a letter she'd written to me explaining that she'd reached her breaking point weeks ago and didn't have it in her to live another day. in the letter, she apologized for breaking our promise but said that she couldn't find it in herself to end my life too because I'd seemed happier and she didn't want to take away my opportunity to live a happy life, or to find healing. in reality, I'd just been using again and was finding peace in that since I'd been reaching the same point she had but didn't want to bring it up to her because she'd seemed more relaxed and less afraid of everything. (ha ha)
while many questions had been answered, I was still confused as to why she used SN, how she knew to use it, and what the process of her death was like (was it painful? was it slow? could she have stopped it if she wanted to?) and I found my way here. I was reading the SN guide (might be the wrong word to use, srry if so) and realized that the reason this site looked so familiar is because she'd sent me a few screencaps of funny comments people had made on here in the months leading to her death. I've been lurking for a few days now and I want to say, knowing that she had this community when she left has brought me a peace about the entire situation I never thought I'd feel. I feel as if finding this was a gift from her in a way, and I can only imagine how much of a gift this site and all of you were to her during a time where she must have felt so alone.
as of now, I'm actively working to secure all of the supplies I need to go via SN. no luck yet, but the search has just started. I'm planning to go on her birthday, which gives me just under a year to get my affairs in order and complete my death plans in hopes that it will minimize the work my family will have to do when I'm gone, as well as complete notes for my family and friends, and give my belongings to the appropriate people.
since she's been gone, I've felt like nobody understands me, like I'm truly alone, like I deserve it for not being honest with her about how I was feeling. like maybe I'd left her alone too. in the short time I've been lurking, I've never felt so seen by anyone since her. I feel like everything I've ever felt or thought has been spilled through the hearts of other users on here and it's amazing. I'm not sure how involved she was in the community, or for how long she was, but I hope to get to know you all and, in a way, get to know her even though she's not here. thanks to anyone who reads this, sorry if this is too long or oversharing, but finding this site feels like a miracle.
Much love to everyone here x
I'd be happy to listen 
