Disability & Suicidal Ideation

[Unwr!tten]

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm so tired of working so hard, I'm just tired.

Backstory: So I'm Visually Impaired— nearly completely blind. I have been my whole life and among other things, I have severe ADHD, PTSD, OCD, Trauma, Anxiety, Depression and am very suicidal and all of this I got because I grew up in a very poor home, where I was very neglected and my mother was on drugs. I've had to work so hard all my life to have anything remotely good and even now, I'm working two jobs— about 70 hours a week and I help my sister take care of her severely disabled child and It's so much and I do very little other than work and take care of my niece and I'm always so tired.

So, I live in the United States and being disabled, I was on Medicaid for my whole life because I have a lot of care that needs to happen with me that private insurance wouldn't pay for, like my mental health, taking care of my gallstones, my extensive eye care, etc…

Well, recently, I was told that because I work two jobs and I "Make so much money", I don't qualify for Medicaid anymore and in fact, I'm not even considered disabled by the government because I'm not receiving social security. Now, when they took away my social security, I was okay with it— I was working two jobs and though bills are tight, I was getting by. However, being told recently that not only do they not see me as disabled, but because of this I will no longer be getting insurance, it was a massive blow and because of it, I feel myself spiraling.

I hate taking government hand outs, I hate complaining that I'm not getting something because I'm that disabled person that wants to be normal, that wants to be treated like everyone else, but my insurance was something I NEEDED, I cannot afford to pay for private insurance and have all the copays that come along with it. I will not be able to pay other bills and I'm so stressed and tired and my soul hurts so much.

My whole life I've had to work so hard and it feels like every time I finally get to a point where I'm like, " Okay, I'm okay— this is okay." It feels like immediately after, I'm thrown a curve ball and I'm so tired of climbing and climbing, just to be shoved back down and the rug pulled out from under me. My whole life has been so rough, so traumatizing and I want to live, I don't want to die. I want to be happy, but if my whole life has been this and if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like, then I don't want any part in it.

I just want to go to sleep and stop existing.

I'm so tired.

 

[freonix]

i'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, and in one of the countries with the worst healthcare infrastructure nonetheless. you deserve(d) much more help and support through your childhood and right now than you received, it makes me really angry reading about the mistreatment you got. i can't offer much advice about the practical issues you're facing as i'm not familiar with how things work in the states but i hope that, somehow, things work out for you in the end.

as a fellow disabled person, i get that feeling of existential exhaustion too - i want to move on in the world, but the world doesn't seem to want to let me. i can only hope that both of us find the freedom and peace we need in the future.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer this much all through no fault of their own, I understand why you would feel so incredibly tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Unwr!tten]

Thank you guys, your support means so much to me.

I'm so tired but right now, I'm honestly only living for my niece and my two best friends, but I think eventually, I will be able to leave this world. I just ordered my SN and I can't wait to just… have it. I think knowing it's there and knowing I have a way out will be so helpful to me.