Dilemma.....

[avoid_slow_death]

Ok...so....I have a bit of a problem here. Seems like people at work are really concerned about me lately. So is my ex and so are my father, sister and friends. Everyone seems to think I am about to kill myself any day now. Not that they are wrong, they're not. But that presents a problem.....

You see, I FIRMLY believe if you truly care about someone, you are willing to go that extra mile so you don't hurt them or you are just trying to make them happy. Anyone can say they "care", but actions speak louder than words.

Therein lies the dilemma. I know if I suddenly just die out of the blue it will really mess up s few people's lives. Mainly my Dad and my ex. Might even kill my Dad as he is in very poor health as is.

So, what do I do in this situation? I cannot bear the thought of my final act being a big "fuck you" to everyone, but, conversely, I truly cannot keep going. Life has literally destroyed my biggest dream and no, I cannot do it over again. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. So, yeah, that's my problem and I have no fucking idea what to do.....

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Why do you want to die now instead of a year from now? Have you been suicidal for a long time without wavering?

 

[Tackingintothewind]

No one can tell you what to do. Most people are in this position - my family are the only reason I'm still here. You just have to decide whose pain is more intolerable for you, yours or theirs.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Why do you want to die now instead of a year from now? Have you been suicidal for a long time without wavering?

Why now? Because my life has been a living HELL for the past 35 years. As for how long I have been consistently suicidal? Wow...with the exception of a few years, (2017, 18 and 19,) since I was 11, so yeah, 35 years.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

What was better about those three years?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

What was better about those three years?

I was with someone whom, for lack of a better term, was genuinely The One. Nobody in my life understood me better and we had fun literally doing anything. Housecleaning, going to Wal Mart, even just sitting around doing nothing was fun for us because we just loved one another's company that much.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Ah the one thing I can never understand.

Can you not do most of these things with friends or family?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Ah the one thing I can never understand.

Can you not do most of these things with friends or family?

Definitely not the same. I'm not what you would call a "normal" person in any way. Sure, most people like me and care for me, but, I am an odd character on a long term basis and I have known very few people I can be comfortable with enough to relax and just not only be myself, but be outgoing with too. Plus, I just always wanted to be with someone exactly like her since I was like 13.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Are you also autistic?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

No. Likely ADHD, but not sure. I don't do doctors. At all.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Not a substitute for diagnosis but

Online Assessment for Adult Autism | Clinical Partners

Take our online assessment to explore whether you're experiencing common behaviours and thoughts associated with adult autism. Learn more today.

www.clinical-partners.co.uk

ADHD Test Online | Clinical Partners

Take an online ADHD test to see if you're showing the common symptoms of ADHD. Gain clarity and consider seeking further medical advice today.

www.clinical-partners.co.uk

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Ok...so....I have a bit of a problem here. Seems like people at work are really concerned about me lately. So is my ex and so are my father, sister and friends. Everyone seems to think I am about to kill myself any day now. Not that they are wrong, they're not. But that presents a problem.....

You see, I FIRMLY believe if you truly care about someone, you are willing to go that extra mile so you don't hurt them or you are just trying to make them happy. Anyone can say they "care", but actions speak louder than words.

Therein lies the dilemma. I know if I suddenly just die out of the blue it will really mess up s few people's lives. Mainly my Dad and my ex. Might even kill my Dad as he is in very poor health as is.

So, what do I do in this situation? I cannot bear the thought of my final act being a big "fuck you" to everyone, but, conversely, I truly cannot keep going. Life has literally destroyed my biggest dream and no, I cannot do it over again. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity. So, yeah, that's my problem and I have no fucking idea what to do.....

Ok but are you planning on getting a bus ticket I'm confused man? Because you can have the ticket, and I'll be myself by saying, and the destination doesn't change. Life might but look, your time here can only waiver, the end doesn't so look at it like this, we are all holding our tickets anyway, you just want to punch it sooner. Savour how you must.
Peace.

Not a substitute for diagnosis but

Online Assessment for Adult Autism | Clinical Partners

Take our online assessment to explore whether you're experiencing common behaviours and thoughts associated with adult autism. Learn more today.

www.clinical-partners.co.uk

ADHD Test Online | Clinical Partners

Take an online ADHD test to see if you're showing the common symptoms of ADHD. Gain clarity and consider seeking further medical advice today.

www.clinical-partners.co.uk

Great evaluation.. naaaat.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Ok but are you planning on getting a bus ticket I'm confused man? Because you can have the ticket, and I'll be myself by saying, and the destination doesn't change. Life might but look, your time here can only waiver, the end doesn't so look at it like this, we are all holding our tickets anyway, you just want to punch it sooner. Savour how you must.
Peace.

Great evaluation.

Yeah, I definitely plan on catching that bus. For me, going on with life at this point is simply just more trouble than its worth. I have nothing I want or want to do anymore and I find myself thinking of nothing but dying all the time lately. I rarely eat, I sleep a few hours a night and I have completely isolated myself from almost all social interactions because I simply do not enjoy anyone's company anymore. I simply don't want to wake up anymore. Not worth it.

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Yeah, I definitely plan on catching that bus. For me, going on with life at this point is simply just more trouble than its worth. I have nothing I want or want to do anymore and I find myself thinking of nothing but dying all the time lately. I rarely eat, I sleep a few hours a night and I have completely isolated myself from almost all social interactions because I simply do not enjoy anyone's company anymore. I simply don't want to wake up anymore. Not worth it.

Same. <<< Makes me miss when I was like 15 XD

I'm staring into the void a bit, doing my last critical thinking, doing my last letter you know. I know I'm just back peddling till I'm done. Till I've sifted enough. And weighed things up properly.

But the only thing stopping me is that really, that I just need to sort a few things.

Can you get on the bus if you wished? Good method etc

Peace.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Can you get on the bus if you wished? Good method etc

Yeah, I have things roughly planned out and most of the materials I need. Just need to pick up a few more things and decide where I want my final moments on Earth to be. Want it to be someplace remote, yet peaceful.

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

May I ask le mothod of practicé?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

SN

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Oh no way so you can pretty much set your deal to fold any minute then... Anything worth staying in for? You said you felt peeps were a tad aware for you... Do you feel the sentiment behind you CTB won't be a good one? That's how I feel at times, I won't leave the right message.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Yeah, its going to upset a lot of people. Going to really mess up a few of them too. God....it sounds so awful when I say it out loud. I HATE being so compassionate. Its a lot harder to fight than survival instinct....

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Well I am where I am because of people, so I have two notes. A scathing one. And a nice one. I'm here feeling positive and negative about my last words, but will only delete one before I go. It's made me realise that actually, I'm not to blame for all the stress that has brought me to this time in my life.

I think I should probably be compassionate, but it is OUR lives, not thiers. No magic wand. ://

 

[WornOutLife]

Most of us are experiencing the same dilemma.
Unfortunately, I think the pain, sadness and suffering for those who love you is inevitable.
If I ctb, my dad could have a heart-attack or stroke. I would literally ruin his life.

However, what's the other choice? Live until he dies? That could be 30 more years...

I'm doing my best to live but damn, I don't know if I'll be able to do it...

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I think I should probably be compassionate, but it is OUR lives, not thiers. No magic wand. ://

Oh, I agree 100% However, when you are very close to someone, be it a relative, friend, lover, or whatnot, you BECOME a part of them and they you. Therefore, by killing yourself you are also killing a part of them. And not just metaphorically either. It comes down to the question of how much are you willing to sacrifice to end your suffering....

Most of us are experiencing the same dilemma.
Unfortunately, I think the pain, sadness and suffering for those who love you is inevitable.
If I ctb, my dad could have a heart-attack or stroke. I would literally ruin his life.

However, what's the other choice? Live until he dies? That could be 30 more years...

I'm doing my best to live but damn, I don't know if I'll be able to do it...

Yeah, as I stated in my above reply, its a huge dilemma that has no easy answer. Only equally brutal choices. Life is fucked even when you reject it. It still torments you....

 

[BigNarkoleptic]

Y

Oh, I agree 100% However, when you are very close to someone, be it a relative, friend, lover, or whatnot, you BECOME a part of them and they you. Therefore, by killing yourself you are also killing a part of them. And not just metaphorically either. It comes down to the question of how much are you willing to sacrifice to end your suffering....

Yeah, as I stated in my above reply, its a huge dilemma that has no easy answer. Only equally brutal choices. Life is fucked even when you reject it. It still torments you....

Each I read somewhere that shared consciousness is a real thing, with someone very close. I think leaving something behind is important, I wouldn't know where to begin with what that something would be.